Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #4

[Woke_Up]

Journaling:

Last Friday I had lunch with an old friend. He was pretty adamant I just need to get out, and pretty much stop being such a pushover. He is also my mortgage advisor, so could help me with any future needs. He did point out that my W's occasional comments of her having the house are just a pipe dream as the mortgage company would not put the mortgage in her sole name, as she has no way of paying it. And while my name is on it, I am liable, if she did stop paying it.

We then bumped into his partner outside the office. His partner pulled even fewer punches. He used to be a family law barrister before he had a change of career.

We discussed the likelihood that my issues keep putting me in these situations - codependency, fixer, neediness, lack of boundaries. That I should not have tolerated any of the lack of respect, even to the point of throwing her out, and letting her call the police! He agreed I need to get out, but to be in control of the process. Get a good lawyer before I get a good counsellor, get all of the advice and options laid out, and the push the button if that's what I decide.

Do some introspection on why I let myself be treated this way. He remembered the bad times we had had in the early days of our R, and he had said then that her personality was formed in childhood and would be unlikely to change as an adult.

His bad news was that in the UK she would probably still get full custody and I would get contact, which could be as little as every other weekend and one night a week! I'll fight that tooth and nail, but he said with my current working arrangements and her being a SAHM, that it wasn't looking good. If we were actually married she would also probably get 100% of the house, but as we aren't, it may be slightly more favourable. To be honest, custody and contact is much more important to me than how much I get from the house.

The weekend was Ok. I was fairly busy, took D to ballet, played with her in the park, then took her with me when I did the supermarket shop while W did some other stuff. Did some work in the garden later. Sunday also OK. Had wax with W in the morning, and it was a lot more satisfactory than last time. Decided it was just sex, and nothing more, and got a bit more into it. Anyway, rest of the day was fine - shopping with D5, trip to the hardware store, bit of work around the house and garden.

Mostly civil with W although sometimes she is still snappy and rude for no reason. On Sunday she asked if I thought we should get the house on the market, so I said I guess so.

At other times she has still talked about her so called 'mind control' from OM and also that she just wants him to give up and move on, that surely he won't Persia for ever. I'm just interested in keeping him away from my kids if possible and ensuring he doesn't jeopardise their future by getting his claws into W once she has money from the house sale. Not sure I could actually prevent anything, just make sure W knows the risks of doing something stupid... she says she won't risk the kids future.

So this week has been friendly houseguest. Contact with W is sporadic. Sometimes texts during the day, sometimes not. Not much conversation at home, still quite often tense when there is. She still wants me to buy her stupidly expensive items for her birthday. Not planning on it.

Stil haven't done my last coaching session. Found it to be too formulaic. Will see how things progress. I'm searching for jobs closer to home. Trained on Tuesday, really good session. Reading every night with D5 before she goes to sleep. W pretty much abdicates once I get home. Sometimes she has cooked dinner for me to beat up, sometimes not. She is still obsessing about her appearance, her hair, dieting. I think I shall start eating on the way home, free up my time once D5 gone to bed, give more chance for some GAL or self improvement. I still want to be the man only a fool would leave, even if I end up not wanting her back. I'm getting better at identifying those areas I need to work on.