He is not a love avoidant. every other guy I dated was. yet, they loved the person who came during me or after me. He is not scared to love, but he wants to love the one who can give him all he desires.
I am thinking maybe I am just an abnormal or just as screwed up perhaps. I ATE UP that Valentines thing. It didn't scare me, it made me feel like I was on top of the world. When you are deprived of something so long and then it's right there in front of you, It's hard to run from instead of embrace it. It's like if I hadn't had ice cream in years and someone gave me this big beautiful huge sundae. I wouldn't run from it, I would gobble it up!
I really loved what we had until he became weird. And I did watch what he did. He showed me he cared for me until the end when he did what he did. I always watched his actions. I agree he is impulsive. He is searching for something and will just do what he's got to do to get him to his goal. All the more power to him, I guess.
I know he is going to date and probably soon. Which will stink, but I expect that. But if it's that girl, I will surely go even more nuts. So I pray I do not find out. Just like the constant rejection weakening me, this would be the second guy who moved onto someone I knew of and had feelings for prior to me. The others said " I don't want a relationship" and ended in a relationship with someone a week later. That stuff breaks you down too. Like the break up wasn't enough.
So, where does that all leave me? perhaps I chose poorly yet again. Perhaps it was another false relationship built upon dysfunctional tendencies. Maybe I am messed up as the rest of them.
Last night my dad and stepmom came for D9's 4th grade concert. We had dinner and then went to the school. My dad kept asking what is wrong. I am not myself, it is blantantly obvious. I am distracted and irritable and I can barely put a smile on my face. I pretended the best I could. I can't tell my dad how utterly depressed I am because I know how badly that will hurt him. My dad and stepmom did me a favor and were very kind to exH and OWW (they hate his guts) I asked because D9 watches and my dad noticed her watching the interactons. My dad made me promise that before he dies he could get one punch in. I said absolutely. ExFIL and GF of 10 years came. He popped the question last night to her. he was never legally divorced from exMIL, but exH said they recently did it uncontested. That poor woman lost out on so much by this not happening many many years ago. D9's concert was 60's themed and OWW showed up like she was in it or something wearing the weirdest outfit with her hair in pigtails. My friend and I were dying. So bittersweet watching my baby girl do her farewell concert and go to middle school.
We are getting D9 a passport and she needs pictures. I am taking her of course, and he calls me to tell me to call CVS and ask if we get them the same day. I asked him if his phone was broken. He tells me "I have to eat dinner and make war attacks on my game" What a loser. Then he wanted D9 to sleep over his sisters house his night on Thursday night. She freaked out about it, and said no, but I had a nice conversation with her and she agreed to it.
I have a lot to say lately, don't I? I am just trying to get through every day and I have been appreciative of everyone's words an insight. I just have to forget about him. I don't see him reaching out as a "friend" anytime soon. I am glad because I am no where near ready for that. Deep down part of me wants this one to be the one who said "Ginger, I made a mistake". For ego purposes solely. I will not even try to lie. There is a part that just years to hear "I miss you" even if nothing were ever to come of it. But this is obviously ridiculous and ego related and I am better off just letting it all go.
