25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

I went to a DivorceCare support group at a church near my condo, last night.

2 things struck me (and yes I DO recommend these groups, Like DBers in person.)

Coincidentally Half men, half women and that wasn't what I expected. Lots of universal themes about the divorce process being so grueling, so much limbo/hell, the damage to the children, the alienation parents felt (not all men, either).

Several of the men talked about how much they miss their children. One in particular hit me hard.

He wasn't talking like a Disneyland dad, who only wants the fun things for the kids. And he wasn't whining about how high the CS is, or to make custody about lowering the CS.

No, he was talking about how much he misses just hanging out with his daughters. Driving them to the pool and watching them swim, then they get to hang out more and they chat and talk about their days... They are now the same age my daughters were when h first went on his Alaskan adventure.

I was so moved and touched. He just wanted TIME with his d's.

I felt tears in my eyes b/c honest to God I would give anything to have a h who wanted TIME with his d's when they were young, or even now...

(not on His schedule or to take them hunting or fishing in Alaska, b/c that's what HE LOVES to do and they are, you know...open to it...)

but he was not there when they needed him the most and it's time he cannot make up). And they remember...

The other day d19 asked h for food money for the summer - as she's working there in Boston. If she were at home, we'd pay and if she were taking classes, we'd pay.

H said something like HE is "tired of being used for money."

d19 said "well, what else would I 'use' him for? Deep talks? TIME together??"

I am crestfallen about the past - but yes, I'll refocus and look forward. It just touched me deeply.

SECONDLY, I wanted to share that the group was FUNNY and mostly well spoken and educated. Like they would be your friends in real life and it IS real life.

We went out for chili and beer later and there's a cookout this weekend. I think I'm going to go. I already have friends and family nearby but this would allow me to meet new people AND be able to discuss the divorce in a helpful way, but also transition into fun things.

I enjoyed them and they made me feel really welcome.

So yes Check those ("DivorceCare") groups out there b/c they seem a lot like DB but it's in person and there is a facilitator/ They also have a pro marriage component in case that is your goal. And they have had couples reconcile, but mostly it's for people in the throes of a sep or divorce. Just getting help through it.

So while They support reconciliation they also realize that most of the people there are already in the D process so they try to support you wherever you are.


WOMEN - there's a group called Women Institute of Financial Education (WIFE.org) that supports teaching women about finances after divorce. It comes through something else called 'SecondSaturday" which is for people going thru divorce and has lawyers and CPAs there to give presentation. It's free or nominal fee, and it's 3-4 hours with tax issues and other financial goals --- my "WIFE.org" class is thru them.

I hope this is okay with the admin to mention these resources as I'm not part of them and they all do talk about reconciliation, but they also talk about financial protection.

Divorce cost a LOT more money than I expected and probably more than h expected.
It costs me more than I thought it would, emotionally too.

My h betrayed me in every way a h can betray a wife, and he did it semi publicly.

I deserve so much better. It's not my job to say what h deserves but to keep the focus on myself and to remember and remind myself that I DESERVE BETTER THAN H GAVE

and that's all I need to know. No more movies of OW and h and how rich he will FINALLY be, but without me.

Just that a guy who could inflict this much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most, should not present himself as a victim. (It's "typical" but it's also WEIRD)

He should have been so grateful and loving and available, to those children, who gave him another chance to be present...so many times and so many times he was not there.

But some men are. And that's a good thing.

To those of you out there who want to RAISE your kids, not just show up every 3 weeks for a day getting ice cream, I salute you.

Some courts don't make it easy. And some stbxw's don't either.

Keep trying. Kids need to know you tried.

((( )))