Hello...can you hear me?

[Maybell]

So, GeorgiaBelle, I'm going to throw a few things out there and see how they land on you. Use as many grains of salt as seems right to you.

First, wrt being sure you're unattractive... I heard an idea a few months ago that resonated with me. FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real. I don't know how physically attractive you are, but I like you a LOT here on the boards. You're spunky and resourceful and however in the dumps I felt, you always said the right thing to bring me back up. Those qualities shine through and you can tell that's the case because people treat you nicely (like the CEO buying pizza on your last day). If you focus on how badly you feel about yourself, that will become the most noticeable thing about you.

I realize this may be a momentary rant but I hope it really is momentary. In the event it isn't, I want to remind you that I have never heard of anyone except your stupid ex treating you like an unattractive person. In fact, if I recall correctly, a year or two ago there was a pretty hot young thing after you...

WRT to the sexuality thing... I thought I wasn't that interested in sex too. But as it turns out, for me it is just tied VERY closely to how emotionally close I feel to the person I'm with. Is it possible that you haven't cut loose and enjoyed it so much because you have problems with trust or closeness with whoever you're with? I've only had one short-term sexual relationship in my life and it was AWFUL. Not because the sex itself was no good but because I felt so utterly uncomfortable. Sex with Mr. Fantastic was more effective but there were times when we'd finish up and I would feel used. My mind/heart didn't get where he was, but my body certainly did. My Guy now is not as effective in bed as Mr. F, but I really, really, really enjoy sex with him because it's a fun thing we do together. Like every other fun thing we do not in bed. It has changed everything about how I feel about sex.

Just food for thought.

I don't believe any of us envisioned blending families, raising kids alone, etc. I didn't and I get really raging mad at Mr. Fantastic for upending my life the way he did. And the whole point of getting married once is that you negotiate all the relationship struggles BEFORE the kids come along in order to have a nice stable home ready for them when they come along. It's like trying to tie your shoe while bouncing on a pogo stick when you're negotiating a new relationship with kids already in the picture. Do you let go of the pogo stick to tie your shoe? Or do you keep hopping and hope you don't trip on the trailing shoelace? We just do the best we can. It's daunting and I often want to just skip to the end. Which would be a pretty stupid thing to do.

Which brings me to my last point.

IT'S OK TO HAVE FUN. It's OK to be inebriated from time to time when you have something to celebrate. It's nobody's business what you look like when you've had a couple of cocktails and if you're worried about that then you'll always have a hard time being happy because we can't please all the people all the time. The best thing about being divorced? How much fun I've been having. Since being away from Mr. Fantastic, I've drunk less alcohol but eaten more ice cream; run in more 5Ks but worried about my figure less; enjoyed LOTS of experiences I always wanted to try and gotten more patient with my kids... I loved being married too. I was expert at homemaking. Now I'm not expert at my new career but I'm learning a lot more from it, and one of the things I've learned is how to tell the difference between my circus and someone else's circus.

HAVE FUN. Live like you deserve to have fun, because you work d@mn hard and you DO deserve to have fun! We only get this one life. Why worry if other people don't want to see you having fun? Don't shrink your world to accommodate imaginary people. Life didn't turn out the way we intended, and it's more complicated than we ever hoped for... but there's still a lot of amazing stuff out there.

That 180 from on top of the world to bottom of the barrel... that's normal. I am really happy in my life, but I still get RAGINGLY angry at Mr. Fantastic for forcing all this change and growth on me. I sit with it, acknowledge that and the grief I feel for all that I expected for myself, and sometimes I'll even cry or pray about it. But at some point the gratitude for all the parts that turned out better than they could have given how well I chose my husband returns. The 180 (or Wheel of Fortune) shifts again, and I find my happy place again. Has that happened for you?

I hope this doesn't sound too preachy or whatever. I get how you're feeling and I want you to remember or discover all the good that's out there for you.

((((((GeorgiaBelle)))))