WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[25yearsmlc]

25, I just realized I missed your last post, sorry! ... sometimes you make me think too hard :-) It's also lame that I still don't know how to do multiple quotes in one post. Oh well.

You talked about marrying our head and the heart, and I think ultimately *that* is the most important M of all. Hmmm, maybe THAT is the meaning of life? (Ever since Retrouvaille, I now speak and think in metaphors. It is constant source of laughter between us too. "How was your day?" "Bright yellow. Sunny and warm. Curious--like a new chick hatching." lol) I digress ... Clearly I am not a writer and I do very little writing for my job.

I loved most of the Retrovaille metaphors, but some were...difficult.

So head and heart--yes, the union is the real M goal--not the perfection but the delicate balance. Perhaps an authentic life is one where our decisions and core values (head) align with our feelings and emotions (heart). Instead of a war with one winner, they live in harmony.

Good point. Living an authentic life is my goal. I think I'd prefer sharing it with someone, but maybe not. I've never lived alone in my life and there is something very valuable about this experience. It still feels like PTSD at times, but at other times It feels like a new beginning and a new me.

Hopefully a more authentic me.

I am working on this way of life. I like the idea of them both shaping one another, but ultimately the head should have greater influence. In Biology, the Nature Vs Nurture argument, never has one answer because each constantly affects the other, and back and forth they go. There is even some evidence now that suggest that during sex we may even be exchanging DNA with our partner. That puts an entirely different spin on relationships, doesn't it?

for some reason this^^ made me very sad. I think it's loss, and probably the OW images...

Will my M survive? I would say "yes." However if it doesn't, I know without a doubt I will be fine and my life can still be great. I didn't know that before and I can see the unhealthy dynamics and codependency that existed. It is near impossible to see codependency when you are IN it. I


agreed^^^

like to think of these things as silver linings in my sitch. The more growth I find, the more I can see through the pain.

25, you talk about how things could have been different. I get a sense that you ponder what you could have done better.

I could have insisted h get IC, I could have dug deeper with him about WHY he was able to leave us for so long and not ache. He claimed to miss us terribly, but yet...he still went. Seemed to think that his mistake was more about misjudging the business angle and not about the damage he did to the m or kids. I should have paid more attention to that and less to reconciling.

I did not throw anything in his face and I did not hold a grudge so I feel good about that. I don't know what else, but maybe I'll think of something.

From my perspective (my very limited perspective), I wonder what your H could have done differently.

^^^a hell of a lot

As you know, you couldn't have really controlled that or even influenced it as much as you may have wanted to. That is what is so hard about this M stuff. Even if we are (as damn near close as we can be to) perfect, we still have zero control over the other person.


You talk about "his underlying issues," which is really on him, isn't it? Not only to work through them, but to be willing to. Not everyone is. Maybe most are not, I don't know.


H was NOT willing (or able??) to look deep within, and face some lousy parts to him.
There was a lot of deceit going on back then, just as there was the past year.

One nasty part of this is when others use a diagnosis of whatever label, (narcissism comes up a lot with my friends and family, describing h)

it does not "vindicate" me nearly as much as I feel more idiotic and naive. Why on earth was the crap he gave me, enough?

Like a slot machine that pays out a few quarters every 40 times you insert a quarter, somehow that was enough for me? Like I had to keep playing or all the quarters would be lost forever.

And now to hear of his fb posts about how he has found the love of his life, (in 2-4 months, depending on when it began)

is obviously a slap in my face. And to our children, according to them.

But it troubles me most that h sounds as if he believes it! (Not sure)

Can it be true that I was his big obstacle to happiness? Well, I guess that would mean our d's were too, since h left the first time after our son graduated and missed 2 years of their lives.

No, I am smh now. The "So Happy NOW" - if true, then I guess h was not the family man he once was. The kids will never ever see him the same way and they will never feel close to him. That is just true.

Gosh, reading that^^ makes me sick. And sad for all of them. Blu, that's not my fault. I know...

But what if I had left earlier? Then what if I had met someone kind and loyal, 5 years ago? What type of m could I have modeled for my kids, then?

SIGH yes I am now officially ruminating and must stop.

I want to use the "don't look back, it's not where you're going" mantra for now.




Did I take my H for granted? Absolutely. Again though, I was in this codependent M and couldn't see it clearly. When I met my H, he was such a breath of fresh air. I thought as we moved through life together and accomplished our goals that it would be enough. That things would slowly, and only, get better over time. That with each accomplishment--degrees, jobs, children, home purchase, and on and on, that life would just get better. I was ill prepared for all of the obstacles and hardships that came with it.

we married while I was still in college, then h's veterinary school, my law school, his change of career into medical school, internship and residency AND 3 kids along the way...

just to have the brass ring and then h yanking it away like an idiot. Very unfair and at times, infuriating.

I cannot handle the anger I feel at times. It's too much. So I withdraw. But I so relate to what you wrote above...

As life got more complicated over the years--because we lacked healthy coping mechs--the M kept taking one hit after the next. All we knew in terms of how to deal with things were what we saw or felt growing up. It wasn't enough! I didn't know it was even happening or that we were deteriorating. I thought our chosen union and feelings of love were enough. We were still together, still loving, still moving forward, etc, etc, that I couldn't see the foundation crumbling. Then the house fell down and it was too late.

So while I will never call his A and our separation a "blessing in disguise," because it has felt more like a curse, I will say that so much positive has come from it. The positive is that we have both chosen to look at ourselves deeply, to look at the M closely, and to do the hard work of rebuilding. If we blasted to the past 3-4 years go, the foundation was still unstable, even if the house didn't fall over. We could have lived in it, but that life didn't feel safe anymore. It wasn't enough. .... What was I talking about again ...


Oh yeah, so now I choose to be with him, and not because my vows say so. Not because I think it's the right thing, but because I like who he is becoming. I like myself more too. Again, more silver linings--they are there if you let yourself find them.

Blu

I'm finding the silver linings alone. I have no choice, but even if I did, the years of lying to me and about me, would be too much for h to face and admit. Probably too much for me to deal with but I'm not sure.

He betrayed me in every way a h can, and he inflicted so much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most. When I ponder that, and am shocked, i realize I'm putting my rational spin on irrational behavior.

Blu, unlike your h, my h has had 2 chances and he blew each. This time he did it when I was so sick, and right as it was supposed to be "25's turn" to choose where to live. There was some long term cognitive dissonance going on there.

I still love who he once was. But that man is dead, I think. I fear (not sure) that it's mostly or all my ego that wants him to want back in.

And the more lousy he is with this divorce, the more I realize how little hope there is of that, b/c it's just way too much damage.

And a growing part of me says "wouldn't it be better to at least NOT have the tension that existed in the past 18 months (and periodically throughout the past decade)

than with h?" Being alone is better than wishing you were.

And another growing part of me thinks it will be nice to love someone again, someone who has my back and enjoys my company, and isn't always angling for their agenda and hiding seething resentments...

is that too much to ask?

Last night I went to a DivorceCare group and some men were talking about their custody battles. I was so moved by the men who were sad about not seeing their kids more.

I would give anything to have a h who missed his kids and ached for their company, like these guys.

maybe h does, but obviously not enough. And from what I hear about his interactions with our children, he lashes out at them when there is no affirmation of his choices, coming from them.

Idiot. How could I have loved a guy like that, for decades?