When you say that you can't stop yourself, you remind me of someone who is "addicted" to your h. The only way to kick the "addiction" is to either go cold turkey or in the cases of alcohol or drugs, seek professional help...but the addict has to be ready to do the hard work.
Coly, just like an addict, until you are ready to actually do the necessary work to detach and drop the rope, you will continue to spin and spin. You are the only person who can help you. You are the only one that can control what you do. We can sit here all day and point out what you need to do, but until you are ready to actually do something different, i.e., detach and drop that rope, nothing will change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
