What's up everybody. I stumbled onto this site during a google search and have looked around. I ordered 2 books, DB and DR, and am waiting delivery. I was curious to see if anyone has experienced what I have been going through.
A little back story: My wife and I have been separated for about 6 weeks with my wife wanting a divorce. I had kept a ebay business I started from her. She found out, I owned up. No the first time we have been through something along those lines. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 year ago and have had a rough time accepting the diagnosis. I went off my meds a few times during the past year which have led to conflicts with my wife.
Before that we had a relatively good marriage, probably not as good as I thought looking back. We showed love for each other in ways which the other person did not prefer (ie 5 Love languages). She had probably started to check out awhile before I had any clue anything was wrong.
We did go to marriage counseling for 2 months but it honestly felt like it was my own personal therapy session with my wife sitting next to me. I never felt we had a chance to work on things together. My wife shares the same thoughts except blames me for dominating the sessions. I never wanted to be featured but thats how it went.
Anyways, I'm very confused on how our separation has progressed. I feel I have started to work on myself and am starting to notice some changes especially in regards to listening and communication. I feel we are communicating better now than we have in a long time.We talk to each other daily by phone, text, and in person. We have two young children so I am over the house frequently. In fact, the only thing I feel has changed is where I sleep. We are still having sex, although not as frequently. In some instances, it was much more passionate. We have been going out together once per week (which is more frequently than when we were married.) we both agree we still love each other.
I receive a lot of mixed messages. Initially, it drove me nuts. I looked at each encounter separately and would extrapolate it to our future relationship. I've since stopped for my own health. I try not to mention our relationship. It seems to bring her to a place of anger and she always says she wants a divorce. Other times she will speak of the future with me in it, like getting a new house together. Are these just mind games? I do feel she tests me to see if I'll quit or back down. I'm not really sure what to believe or think.
We are still going to counseling. We have had one session since we were separated. My wife mentioned being angry with me because she feels the changes I am making, but said it was too late. I really want to do all I can to keep our family together. I just don't know left from right at this point.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hey there, sorry to hear that you're going through this. We've all been down a road, altho yours appears more sedated.
You need to get to the bottom of why she "still" wants a divorce. If you were an [censored], i can't see how thats any reason to want to leave a marriage with kids.
Some want-away-wives feel single again and are ready to mingle. You need to know what she's thinking, without getting into an argument.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Marriage counseling tonight. She confirms that she wants either a divorce or separation agreement because of not wanting to be on the line financially if I have another manic episode. Also said that she cannot trust me now to restart any relationship. I reiterated that I do not want a divorce. I want to rebuild our relationship. Marriage counselor really did not help and we all agreed to stop going.
On the car ride home she asked me to give her one good reason she should stay with me and risk getting hurt again. I explained that I believed our marriage and love has the ability to be stronger than ever if we are both willing to put in the hard work. She seemed to agree but thinks I should to be the one that does most of the work.
When we got back to the house, she asked if I wanted to sleep (no sex) with her tonight. I told her I needed to do some thinking and declined. I was hoping tonight would be a turning point towards reconciliation. Now I feel I'm about to begin a long journey. Thanks for listening
Your wife is not opening up. She's not willing to fight. There appears to be a long history for which she blames you and you blame yourself.
This is the longest journey that you will ever be on, but don't worry, it's called LIFE. Everyone is on it :-)
The best thing that you can do, is to let her live her life. DB'ing is about letting the other person be, whilst you deal with yourself. When things were at the worst with my ex-wayward-wife, my friend used to say "why don't you lock the door, i'd never let my wife out if she doesn't come home a respectable time". To which I said, "it is her life, i must live mine, i cannot be her, i cannot make her choices".
It's the hardest thing a man can ever do, to watch the love of his life walk away, to not be able to hear, i love you back. But it makes you a real man, a better man.
oh, and cry, cry as much as you can. There will come a day when there are no tears, that is when you know that you are healed.
and one last thing. most people recommend meds to help deal, i suggest that you take nothing. Take sick from work, lie to your friends if you must, but feel this. feel it all. It makes you feel alive.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Thanks. I appreciate your input. My books were delivered yesterday. Going to dive in and try to figure out what is what. I'll continue to update as things happen.
I'm going to call to set up the separation/divorce mediation today. We have a lot of other stuff going on that I haven't even brought up yet. We were in the process of moving South which has temporarily been put on hold but is something we both still want to do. At this point it looks like it will be separately. Thanks
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
and one last thing. most people recommend meds to help deal, i suggest that you take nothing. Take sick from work, lie to your friends if you must, but feel this. feel it all. It makes you feel alive.
Wow, I just could not let this go without a comment. Just because you are "sad" or upset, hurt, mad, etc., does not mean you need to go on medication. However, all of this could trigger a true depression and not getting treatment for depression is crazy. Just the comment or at least insinuating that anti-depressant meds keep you from feeling things screams a lack of knowledge. That's simply NOT how SSRI or similar meds work. They do not make you happy or keep you from feeling. That's more what booze, heroin and other drugs do. Taking those drugs are a huge problem. Taking anti-depressants, if needed, are not to be avoided by you or anyone here. A good doctor will decide if that is Needed or not. I'd just hate to have you or any other readers here feel that it's wrong to go on meds because DDJ or anyone else suggested that it was. If you have some medical knowledge or background DDJ that supports your comments, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise please be careful with suggesting people forgo proven medical treatments when they are indicated. Going on medication, if indicated, will not keep anyone from feeling but rather correct a chemical imbalance that may prevent them from healing and honestly sometimes living and functioning.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
