Is it Midlife Crisis, Walkaway Spouse or the End?

[25yearsmlc]

its been a while since i read DB, did i perhaps lose sight of what DBing is? i thought DBing was the 34 or 37 steps

those steps were a compilation Sandi summarized that were based on, mostly, an amalgam of DB principles, (with some specific behaviors thrown in.) They are not "Rules" per se.

There ARE 180s to counter the WAS's negatives, and there are also principles such as monitoring for results,

So if you are doing both^^ of those and not pleading or trying to convince your spouse to return, you're probably following the gist of the "rules', which are merely guidelines to help you implement DBing. They are not the DB principles so much as ways to implement the principles.

DB rests on the idea that you will do what works, which requires sufficient time testing a new behavior and monitoring for results. AND it rests on the fundamental premise that no matter what your situation is, GAL will help you detach AND will you be the most attractive confident version of yourself.

Not merely as a tactic to get a recon, but to become the best version of yourself, period. For you...

Make sense?



or am i confusing that with 180? and to reaffirm is 180 doing the things that she complained about?

over analyzling and confusing myself?

You are confusing yourself a bit. Have you read the DB books? They will resolve most confusion. As I said the "rules" Sandi wrote are not to conflict with DB principles but are methods to assist you in implementing those principles.

A 180 is first and foremost a behavior done to counter a negative image or belief that your WAS has, of you. For instance, if they complain that you are "always late", then you counter that negative image with a 180 (opposite). You become MR.PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time or early for everything..

You don't start doing the opposite, "just because".... You use a 180 first, to counter negatives with new positives.

What maybe confused you is that we also advise you to add a bit of mystery so your spouse does not assume they can predict everything you do. (Or that "you will never change".)

We don't want the WAS to believe you'll just be sitting there waiting for them on the shelf - for IF and WHEN they Might want to check your temperature... or feign interest.

So we ask that you assume an air of mystery, and that you GAL for real, to help you become your best self AND TO not be at their beck and call.

180s that are not specifically to counter a negative, but which are still a good idea, are things that just show change in you, a new interest in the world, and some 180s are just parts of your new GAL.

Sometimes a 180 is wearing cologne or new clothes, just to show change and interest in the outside world

another 180 is going to the museum instead of the pool hall, b/c you are trying to show that indeed, change is happening. So the WAS cannot say "you'll never change!"

Because you are changing, and it always, eventually, shows. NO need to point it out (then it looks like a "tactic" to get them back, not authentic change in you.)

Make sense?

Back to the earlier example, If you were already punctual, then the change is not needed and there's no 180 needed to counter a false accusation.

Not all of the WAS's complaints are valid OR are things you can or want to change. But choose wisely what hill to die on, by refusing to really look at the negative the spouse is complaining of. Some are real and valid, and some are real and metaphoric, okay?

Chances are there are some valid complaints you would like to change for yourself, anyhow. Start with those.

You want your spouse to see that their data about you is not true OR is not true, [u]now.

Hope I have not confused you more.

Keep posting

[/u]