On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - nice to hear from you. I remember when your s had stomach aches. It's great to hear how well he has adjusted and that you recreated such a beautiful home out of all that wreckage.

Roist - good advice as always. And you summed it up well: tough position w/bad options. But then I think of others, like Mleigh, who have rebuilt out of the rubble.

Truth be told, this was a tough weekend for me. I did what I call stealth crying. Out of nowhere a thought hit me and tears just rolled down my face. It happened several times throughout the weekend. I think it was a new level of grieving brought on by seeing h chum it up w/loser MLC friend.

But I think I may have had my first hot flash too! At one point I felt like I was boiling from the inside out. And all I could think was: dear Lord, please prevent me from making a total fool of myself as I age. Please don't let me wear mini skirts, crop tops, a sideways ponytail and spikey heels to work all in an attempt to be 18 again. It finally passed mid-Monday. And with it came a wonderful return to calm. (Thankfully when it passed I was dressed age appropriately.)

As for MLC updates, there are several. H and I were discussing Something mundane. I asked a question, h got sooo mad and told me what he does with his days is none of my business! There's a classic MLC line. (The top secret topic of conversation: which bank location he prefers!). Later that night, s13 told him h he was using a lot of salad dressing. H snapped: everyone mind your OWN business!! (Guess condiment use is also top secret!)

He's been super cranky. It reminds me of the anger state. Only now, instead of walking on egg shells or trying to appease, I laugh, call him a cranky old goat and walk away. He gets zero of my energy on this front and that feels GREAT!

The other day we were out with the kids and stopped for pizza. We had to eat it in the car as we were in a hurry. I was not hungry. But h handed me a piece and in a very caring fashion, insisted I eat it. It would be a sweet scene if you didn't know that he also locks his bedroom door against me.

Somehow MLC friend's name came up and the kids asked who he was. I said "he is your dad's friend." H said "well, I wouldn't go that far." I let it sit in silence. It felt good to say it as I hate people thinking I am dumb. (Months ago h told me he had "righted my honor" with this guy as MLC friend had hit on me. And weeks ago h practically tripped over himself running over there to talk to MLC guy and he stayed there for 20 minutes gabbing away with this loser.)

H has been all over the map with aging. One minute he is lamenting he is so old. The next he is marveling at his youthfulness. He recently told us that there is a whole lot of stuff he realizes is not worth worrying about as you can't avoid it. For a long while he was very scared of terrorist attacks. And he said he finally realized it was a waste of time. I said: "yeah, there is SO much not worth worrying about--aging is the biggest one of all." He was silent. Due to his complete lack of self awareness, he probably thinks I am the one all worried about growing old and I've only now just realized it's useless to fret over it!

Here's a weird one. This weekend he asked us a to watch a movie in the living room. (I think he senses me drifting off.). H categorically asked me if I wanted to watch as well. I said yes, but my energy was low. (H had earlier just finished telling us was a marvel he was for his age and I just wanted to escape to upstairs where the mature people live: me and my teenagers! LOL!!) I said I would watch but needed to finish something quickly. Sons also went upstairs while I finished and get this! In a total huff h turned off the tv and ALL the lights! We asked him if he still wanted to watch and in a really whiny way he said everyone was low energy about it. (I thought of Mleigh who used to say her h acted like he could rent a family. That is how it feels.). Maybe this was an injured kid???

But then today he texted me saying he realized I do x every day and he can do that as it makes more sense. It's something out of my way that I've been doing since my new job. I guess after 5 months he finally woke up to it? I thanked him. It is a time saver for me.

He notices things about me now. He'll infrequently comment. Why are you eating so little tonight? How come you are cold when it is hot out?

I do think about saying something to him. It's not to affect change. It's so that if he ever wakes up he does remember I tried. I remember those moments from my depression. I don't know what angle to take. A) I am worried about you. You are in your room a lot and have been for 3 years. You listen to the same few songs. B) I don't think this can go in like this forever. It is not healthy for any of us to see this. C) a combo of A and B.

In the thick of my depression he tried talking to me. I thought he was nuts due to my skewed perception. But when I woke up I remembered him trying and I knew he was right about everything.