i realize i didn't answer your question as to who the primary bread winner is. i make twice what she makes. i don't believe its an issue. its never been an issue for me
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
its been a while since i read DB, did i perhaps lose sight of what DBing is? i thought DBing was the 34 or 37 steps or am i confusing that with 180? and to reaffirm is 180 doing the things that she complained about? over analyzling and confusing myself?
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
I haven't read the whole of your sitch, but I would encourage you to work on you - for you - and not worry too much about what she thinks..
If you - I'm just plucking examples here - spent hours playing video games and ignorin your kids - change this because you want a better R with them. Not because you hope she will notice what a great father you are etc..
As time went on, it mattered far less what XH thought about things. And much more that I was creating a good life for myself, given his departure...
Of course, any WAS could then look back and wonder - why have things turned out so well for him/her when my life seems to have crumbled??
Best not to keep looking over your shoulder...have you read No More Mr Nice Guy??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
its been a while since i read DB, did i perhaps lose sight of what DBing is? i thought DBing was the 34 or 37 steps those steps were a compilation Sandi summarized that were based on, mostly, an amalgam of DB principles, (with some specific behaviors thrown in.) They are not "Rules" per se.
There ARE 180s to counter the WAS's negatives, and there are also principles such as monitoring for results,
So if you are doing both^^ of those and not pleading or trying to convince your spouse to return, you're probably following the gist of the "rules', which are merely guidelines to help you implement DBing. They are not the DB principles so much as ways to implement the principles. DB rests on the idea that you will do what works, which requires sufficient time testing a new behavior and monitoring for results. AND it rests on the fundamental premise that no matter what your situation is, GAL will help you detach AND will you be the most attractive confident version of yourself.
Not merely as a tactic to get a recon, but to become the best version of yourself, period. For you...
Make sense?
or am i confusing that with 180? and to reaffirm is 180 doing the things that she complained about?
over analyzling and confusing myself?
You are confusing yourself a bit. Have you read the DB books? They will resolve most confusion. As I said the "rules" Sandi wrote are not to conflict with DB principles but are methods to assist you in implementing those principles.
A 180 is first and foremost a behavior done to counter a negative image or belief that your WAS has, of you. For instance, if they complain that you are "always late", then you counter that negative image with a 180 (opposite). You become MR.PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time or early for everything..
You don't start doing the opposite, "just because".... You use a 180 first, to counter negatives with new positives.
What maybe confused you is that we also advise you to add a bit of mystery so your spouse does not assume they can predict everything you do. (Or that "you will never change".)
We don't want the WAS to believe you'll just be sitting there waiting for them on the shelf - for IF and WHEN they Might want to check your temperature... or feign interest.
So we ask that you assume an air of mystery, and that you GAL for real, to help you become your best self AND TO not be at their beck and call.
180s that are not specifically to counter a negative, but which are still a good idea, are things that just show change in you, a new interest in the world, and some 180s are just parts of your new GAL.
Sometimes a 180 is wearing cologne or new clothes, just to show change and interest in the outside world
another 180 is going to the museum instead of the pool hall, b/c you are trying to show that indeed, change is happening. So the WAS cannot say "you'll never change!"
Because you are changing, and it always, eventually, shows. NO need to point it out (then it looks like a "tactic" to get them back, not authentic change in you.)
Make sense?
Back to the earlier example, If you were already punctual, then the change is not needed and there's no 180 needed to counter a false accusation.
Not all of the WAS's complaints are valid OR are things you can or want to change. But choose wisely what hill to die on, by refusing to really look at the negative the spouse is complaining of. Some are real and valid, and some are real and metaphoric, okay?
Chances are there are some valid complaints you would like to change for yourself, anyhow. Start with those. You want your spouse to see that their data about you is not true OR is not true, [u]now.
Hope I have not confused you more.
Keep posting
[/u]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Detaching yourself from the actions of your spouse, is key for surviving this ordeal.
First, it helps you not spin, and to keep your sanity. It helps you to not take everything or action or word from your WAS, so personally. Which is a big challenge.
In addition to meditation & turning your pain over to God/the universe, etc.--I only know one way to really Detach...which is
to GAL. (I prefer doing both).
GAL forces us to push our comfort zones (and to meet new people who don't all know about the divorce so you can talk about other things in your life!)
It's the fastest way to help you detach.
Here is a piece on detachment that helped to simplify what it meant, for me.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally All that is said, not said, done and not done. Truly...
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. (So know your goals!)
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet their anger or indifference, with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Don't jump at every gesture that MAY be positive. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want, so I must pull back."
It is the natural acceptance of the reality that we alone are responsible for how we act.
-We cannot control another person, we only control how we respond to them.
-We alone are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
-We alone are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow our Spouse the freedom & space to be him/herself.
* Not reacting to our need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. (Not being co-dependent, too).
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy & independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail, and not feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling. Balance.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (= Balance, a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for, accept personal responsibility for their own actions, and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just checking in to say hello. Peace and 25 are giving you awesome advice. I hope as they have encouraged that you re read the books and focus on improving you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
so my wife is gone for another weekend. I'm all but convinced there's someone else. I'm going out with a friend tomorrow, which should be fun. however tonight i can't help reflect on whether things are simply too far gone. I know Ive got to change things. I recently got new copies of Divorce Busting and the Divorce Remedy, reading DR first. Most of the time I'm fine, and always around her. So bogged down at times when I sit and think about getting my dads estate settled, GAL, my ailing dog... and then I realize they're excuses and I need to take action
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
