LiM: One Year into Piecing

[25yearsmlc]

Because of what I heard on the audio recorder and what I read in their FB messenger messages, I'm already horrifically aware of what acts were done between the two of them. So when we talk, I'm not asking questions about what they specifically did. I'm asking more about the how and why. I want to know what was going on in their heads while all this was going on.

Some people are helped by knowing all the details, others see it as "horrific awareness" (and I'm in that boat. I blocked h on fb). I don't want those internal films playing in my head. But that's me.

IF I were piecing again, before even discussing a recon (which comes before piecing) I would need to know that h learned why he did what he did.

That^^ would be mandatory before even any discussion of a recon were to happen.

H himself would have to learn something that HE wanted to change AND then that he worked to change. Otherwise it's pretty much a guarantee that the behavior will repeat.

In my case it took 10 years but here I am. H did not authentically change. He put a spin on things in his head that I chose not to explore fully. I allowed that b/c in the end, I suppose I did not want to know that I had made a mistake in reconciling and so I saw only things that validated my choice to stay.

Knowing details is an intensely personal choice, obviously. I think MWD touches on that in her book, a lot. And a good mc would make sure you really wanted to KNOW...and some do. I get that. And To each their own.


The reason is that I want to shine the light of day on the illicit acts. So long as all of that remains in her head, a sense of mystery and intrigue can remain. If I can get her to share all of that with me, then it loses its power. It loses its magic. Once its been spoken, its no longer a secret between just her and OM. I am now a part of it and I feel that in effect minimizes anything that she may still feel is "special" about what happened.

if this^^ helps YOU, then go for it.


I don't know if it actually works that what but that's my thought process behind it.

I'm intrigued by Retrouvaille and would be interested in doing it but I don't think that's in the cards for right now. Maybe in the future.

I think it's a great program (which, btw, does not require you to be Catholic or even Christian).

Even now, I see it as a great resource. It helped us and for a time, h saw his actions in a true light; and he felt and expressed remorse. It is for couples with their marriages in crisis, though. Not individuals.

And we did not keep in the program for follow up later - b/c of logistical issues, which now seem laughably silly.


Both my W and I went through a very intensive program call Pathways. I would highly recommend that to any person struggling with any sort of serious trauma or hurt in their life.

I've heard of Pathways. I thought it was aimed more at mental/behavioral health issues, which I guess do play a role in a lot of these marital crises. (I'm not criticizing it, btw. I think it sounds super helpful).

But if the WAS isn't seeking help, well, that's a big part of the problem isn't it?


In Trees case, I worry most about her personal safety and her kids.

Trees, your h is not well and he's not seeking treatment.

Your h has a pattern. And you cannot change HIS pattern.

The thing is, you have a pattern too. And you can change yours.

Keep your focus on that^^ and create a path forward that shows you a better way.