T = therapy? I didn't see it on the abbreviations list.
I agree, I'm not seeing much positive either and I'm still working on not being blinded by love or false promises and to see things for what they really are.
Trees,
I'm not a shrink, so I'm just speculating about things. But several comments you made have struck me as stuff you might want to look at in you. And since you are all you can control, that's where we all start.
10 years ago (11?) I came here with the idea that someone would show me how to change my h.
I didn't say it that way or even realize it, but that was really my goal. I didn't think I could or needed to work on ME
b/c h was the problem. In hindsight, of course he has issues and was not honest with me for much of the past decade (who knows about before then??)
his dishonesty and cognitive dissonance (in which I'm not even sure he knew he was distorting reality to fit his own narrative of being a victim)
and other stuff are what undermined our marriage. BUT I PLAYED A PART in all of this.
My children now tell me things they saw quite differently than I hoped. I thought they'd see my efforts as strong choices made by a committed partner. They say that at first they did,
But then they saw my boundaries crossed time & again and me not enforcing them.
That saw it not as strength, but as fear paralyzing me. There is more validity to their view than I care to admit.
I ignored huge red flags b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay.
Back to you...you talk of repeated betrayals and theft and cruelty early in the R, and then mention your love for him.
I have to ask, what's to love? And what was your childhood like?
Were there emotional deficits in it? Most childhoods had issues, to be clear. But sometimes big gaps in our emotional support can deeply affect us,
and Sometimes that makes it very hard for us to make boundaries and or to enforce them b/c we never saw that happen in our formative years.
You can break the cycle. History does not need to repeat itself.
I have seen people from very damaged backgrounds, make new paths for their own lives.
Then they model good strong family behavior for their children to see. And they create a new positive path for the following generations.
This is hard, I know. But it's not complicated. Your h & your m are not healthy for anyone.
Only YOU can change ^^ this. Do you see that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've been through that stage, where I thought he wanted to change and I was going to help him. 12 years ago, he started working some. He was still involved with drugs, so I said stayed away from him for a year. During this time, he decided he would go in the army (He recently said he was actually court ordered, who knows). While he was there, I was busy GAL. I wanted to be healed and whole before he got back so I would not be tempted to get back with him. He would write me letters and I would not respond. As time went on, he would write me more and more about how he wanted to man up and be a dad to our son and provide him a stable, Christian home. I did not give him a chance initially, but shortly before he came home, I gave him a chance and we started over. Dating like we had just met and letting him prove himself. He got a job and got a technical degree. My parents did not want me with him, but after 2.5 years, I thought he was truly a changed man. I was getting ready to move 3.5 hours away to finish my degree (I had a scholarship), but since we weren't married, I didn't want him to move in with me. We began to make plans to marry, but he canceled at the last minute and I discovered he was talking to a girl I went to school with and was having relationships over the phone. Felt like the last 3 years of my life was down the drain. I prepared to move on my own, but he asked a day before I left if he could go with me to look for jobs so he could be closer to our son. I reluctantly agreed (sigh) and he was decent to me and we got married 7 months later. As soon as we married, literally within a month, he started his meanness (to my face rather than behind my back) and divorce talk. And it's been miserable for the most part since. I thought he was changed and was going somewhere with his life, but hindsight is 20/20 now. I honestly do not know why I put up with all this except I was convinced it was better for my son to have his real dad in his life (I felt so strong about this), I was embarrassed to be an unwed mother (even though there was another guy I dated who wanted to marry me and wanted to be my sons dad), and well, I had very strong love emotions toward him.
As far as my childhood is concerned, I realized something a year ago. My parents stuck together through thick and thin. They fought a lot, they wanted to leave each other, but they stayed for me and my sister. They were both very committed to raising us, even though my mom was emotionally abusive. My dad could be manipulative at times, but we were very close. He worked a lot, but he was there for us every single day and was very loving and supportive. My dad would reference this instance after I was born that my mom had post partum depression and he was so scared to go to work at night that he was afraid my mom might hurt me, but he knew that in our state, the courts side with the mom most of the time and he knew he would not be able to be in mine and my sisters life if he would have left her. So he stayed. I found out after he passed away, that my mom tried to smother me and my dad walked in on her. He would always say she was in the corner of a dark room with me and he was scared to death. He never told me she tried to kill me. Even since his death, my aunt on my moms side tells me that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. (She's not the one who told me what actually happened).
When I was in elementary school, my mom also had a mental breakdown that she accused my dad of horrible things (things that had happened to her as a child, but my dad did not do.) She was diagnosed with major depression and after a year of therapy and medication, she was able to get back to her regular moody, verbally abusive self. I really think these examples of sticking through no matter what, plus my mom moved out of the house right (to another home a mile away) after my sister turned 18, but my parents remained together, though living separate, until my dad passed away. My mom even stole money from my dad and he was angry and would not stand for it, but he didn't leave her.
As far as what is there to love, I suppose I feel like love is more of an action than a feeling, all though, somehow... I have strong emotional attachments to him.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Heading to counseling today. Just finished reading Sandi's reflections and wondering how much can be applied to a WH. Man is he wayward.
I have really been spending a lot of time thinking. I realize that in a lot of ways, he does not seem good for me and the children. But its hard to come to a place where I agree the marriage should end and our lives completely change. The kids would no longer be homeschooled, their mother would work all the time, and their daddy would be off doing who knows what (believe it or not, he's more grounded when he's in the home with us. His actions are insane when he's left to his own devices). I guess my head gets cloudy with grief when I think about all this.
I read both books. In your case, maybe the Div Remedy would have more specifics but reading both cannot hurt.
You must accept a basic premise of DB, which says
You cannot change your h. You can only change yourself.
HOW do you want to change yourself? In what ways?
And What is your dilemma at the moment? What question are you asking? Is it HOW to divorce or whether you should D, or what?
Because a huge tenet underlying all of DB is that we cannot change our spouses,
you must Assume your h will not change. There is a lot of evidence that he won't.
Please Please don't make the same mistake I made, which was only to see things that validated my choice to stay.
Please do not pretend there are only downsides to a divorce.
To be clear, I am pro marriage. But not at all costs. From your descriptions & History, your h has never been good to you. Your m has never met your needs.
He is not good to you now. You have said your h is mentally ill, (& has a substance abuse problem?) and he cheats repeatedly.
So at best, he is emotionally abusive. Locks the kids in hotel rooms...and won't get help.
I see no reason to expect improvement from him.
(On the contrary, I would guess that he'll decline more. Factor THAT possibility in, and what your kids learn from this dynamic.
Homeschooling can be lovely but think about what ELSE they are learning...
my greatest regret in reconciling, is that my kids learned a lot about what NOT to do...
so I didn't end up with an improved h OR m
AND I did not end up with another man who could have modeled a healthy marriage for my kids.
Not to mention my own needs not being met, for a long time.
So if there is to be NO change in your h,
What then?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Heading to counseling today. Just finished reading Sandi's reflections and wondering how much can be applied to a WH. Man is he wayward.
well yes. Unfortunately your h has always cheated. (Ouch). And he Tells you about OW and how he "really loves" her...so cheating is a given with him. I mean, why wouldn't it be?
I have really been spending a lot of time thinking. I realize that in a lot of ways, he does not seem good for me and the children. other than financial reasons, how is he good for you or the kids? I'm sincerely asking. Not trying to rub salt in your wounds.
But its hard to come to a place where I agree the marriage should end and our lives completely change. Can you see any changes that you would like to make?
The kids would no longer be homeschooled, their mother would work all the time, interesting take on what would happen in a divorce. Maybe you'd get enough CS and could work part time or have family nearby to help or get decent childcare that actually adds to your kids' positives.
When I found a good childcare provider, I KEPT Her as long as possible and came to see her as an additional source of positive affirmation in my kids lives. They remain in touch with her, decades later. Like she's a grandma figure and totally unconditionally loves them.
Plus maybe your kids would see an empowered mother...
and their daddy would be off doing who knows what (believe it or not, he's more grounded when he's in the home with us. His actions are insane when he's left to his own devices). So you think he'd stay at home, improve and not leave again?
I guess my head gets cloudy with grief when I think about all this.
I understand this ^^ quite well. It can feel overwhelming. And it can be!
(I have been m 2/3 of my life).
So we divide it into manageable pieces and take one day at a time. Do one task.
Send in resumes for part time work or work we'd like. Get some IC. Figure out where your baggage comes from and where it belongs (we all have some).
Good for you getting T , btw.
Maybe see a L just for information not necessarily to retain. Knowledge is power.
Less feeling of being "trapped".
And keep posting.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm a veteran of the Army JAG Corps (lawyers) and h just retired from the Army Medical corps. There is no such thing as court ordered military service today.
There hasn't been anything remotely like that for decades. It's an all volunteer military and no one gets ordered to join. In fact, more than half of applicants for the military today, are rejected.
Whether for drug offenses, or they fail a urinalysis, or have a criminal record of some sort, or cannot pass the psychological tests or a physical test, or make weight,
most cannot get in.
Just fyi in case he says that again, it's not true.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And What is your dilemma at the moment? What question are you asking? Is it HOW to divorce or whether you should D, or what?
Because a huge tenet underlying all of DB is that we cannot change our spouses,
you must Assume your h will not change. There is a lot of evidence that he won't.
Sometimes I question if I should divorce. Most times lately, I realize it's for the best. So really, I think of how it will effect the kids. How devastated they would be. How their lives would change. How mine would change. Will I be able to find a good job? What if doing too much makes me sick again? Will I be able to make ends meet?
Please Please don't make the same mistake I made, which was only to see things that validated my choice to stay.
Needed to hear that!
Please do not pretend there are only downsides to a divorce.
To be clear, I am pro marriage. But not at all costs. From your descriptions & History, your h has never been good to you. Your m has never met your needs.
He is not good to you now. You have said your h is mentally ill, (& has a substance abuse problem?) and he cheats repeatedly.
He had a substance abuse problem before he went to the military. He has been free of that since early 2006. I think this has to do with why I've went a long way with him. I thought if he could leave something as tough as that behind, he could straighten up other areas of his life and stick with it.
So at best, he is emotionally abusive. Locks the kids in hotel rooms...and won't get help.
I see no reason to expect improvement from him.
(On the contrary, I would guess that he'll decline more. Factor THAT possibility in, and what your kids learn from this dynamic.
Homeschooling can be lovely but think about what ELSE they are learning...
my greatest regret in reconciling, is that my kids learned a lot about what NOT to do...
so I didn't end up with an improved h OR m
AND I did not end up with another man who could have modeled a healthy marriage for my kids.
Not to mention my own needs not being met, for a long time.
So if there is to be NO change in your h,
What then?
Food for thought, that's for sure. And I surely don't want to stick around and find out. I believe moving on is better for us. I guess I'm concurred about all the changes and I don't want it to cause depression or worse in my children. [/quote]
