Divorced by 2016

[25yearsmlc]

I was momentarily offended by this:

I do seem to find a lot of women like you in the dating world

but wanted to absorb the rest of your message because I'm here trying to learn how not to be like whatever "a lot of women" might be doing wrong. And what better place than this to ask such vulnerable questions?!

So True.

Somehow 25 years ago I was a girl who would choose to be with and marry a guy who wasn't that into her, and push nicer guys away, because I was that uncomfortable with real feelings. My H's decision to leave me after 18 years of marriage prompted me to explore for the first time why I was like that, and how to do better for myself in life.


any answers to this? Not that you have to share them, but have you figured any of that out?

BTW, I'm going back to that workshop in Philadelphia in July. I think I told you about it, but it's called "Essential Experience" and you may want to check it out.

For me, it was like 2 years of therapy in one long weekend. (There's follow up support groups too, some online, so you can keep your work going without having to return there). Very profound, plus you get an action plan to DO so you make the changes you want and need. B/c it's "experiential" and not a lecture format , it's hard to rehearse or edit your responses. That was key for me.



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Avoiding hard conversations and complicated feelings is exactly why I let this guy halfway in 25 years ago, and it's easy to fall back in that pattern but I don't want to do that.

"this guy" , meaning the guy you just had the date with, or your h?


BUT - as you point out Don, this is just a first date, not even a relationship, and it doesn't need to be all or nothing. I don't need to push him away just because I don't want to pick out china patterns with him. I wish I could just have fun and not make everything so serious.

So can you say Why you cannot do ^^this (at least for now),

OR are you saying it's your goal?

Getting to know men outside the safety net of being married is very alien and complicated to me. I appreciate the candid feedback.

The safety net of marriage is one of the reasons I was able to have male friends at work.

So now I wonder why that has to change. Being authentic is pretty much mandatory for me and I want to keep that, and realize I am my safety net.

Make sense?

Adinva, maybe - maybe you are overcomplicating it.

I have 5 brothers and have had male friends for years. I'm used to male company, (and I really do like watching football.)

The attraction of having known or dated someone before, is obvious. So is the need for more care with their heart.

Your situation with this old friend, (flame?) is a bit unusual for 2 reasons. One is that you know you do have some things in common based on your past, and wasn't there chemistry at some point?

Second, you are questioning the reason you turned from him and towards your h, all those years ago. Your issues in your sandbox and you don't want that baggage to hurt you now. So this guy you saw is a bit of a test drive.

That's okay. In reality, ALL the people we meet and date are test drives until if and when we remarry.

And we are theirs. Seems to me that's okay.

Keep posting!