I am looking at FF from every different angle. I understand certain things, I don't fault him for most, but I do fault him for some, and that makes me angry. but all my feelings aren't anger. While I am the parent and it is my responsibility to decide who I let into my child's life, he knew my hesitation and why I had it. If he was so sure of these deal breakers from the beginning and he expressed them to me, the meeting would have never ever happened. The dating would have ended as fast as it began. I am mad that he thought so little of our R which he made such a big deal out of and called serious, thought so little of me and my D to call it off on a decision made overnight via text. Something he is SO against. It was cowardly and disrespectful in my opinion. It certainly showed his age.
In the next breath if this is what he wants, its what he wants. I think he did gift me the chance to be with the one who knows what he wants and isn't afraid of it. I do hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope he makes the life he is so desperate for. I also hope he takes more caution if he decides to go down the single mom route yet again. I know I will take more caution myself.
I think I am good at forgiving and letting go because and moving on with my life because I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be here. I spent 9 years of my life with my exH like that. he didn't want to be here, yet he didn't want to be alone. I hung on for dear life. Many times I should have just let him go. The only reason why I regret not doing that was because I wouldn't have gotten my daughter.
Getting out of bed is hard most days. Not just because of what FF did. I mean, I legit miss him. He gave a presence in my life and my home that was missing for sometime. I think I just really miss that. It's not anger holding me down. It's the loss of someone who I wanted there for the right reasons. But I certainly never wanted him to stay for the wrong reasons.
Thank you Zues. I hope one day I wake up and I just feel good again. I am sure it will come. I think my birthday is making it harder. I'm your age, but when your boyfriend breaks up with you because you are too old..... the fact that 9 years sped by and I never had another child or got remarried as everyone loved to assure me I would..... well, it's a little bit of a kick in the gut. I am hoping after my birthday, things will brighten up.
