W went to my lawyer's office on Friday and signed the agreement. Divorce should be final late July.
I'm of two minds. I'm "happy" that the things I was worried about aren't going to happen now. I'm not happy because W was crying her eyes out when she did it. I still also feel like a failure because our marriage failed.
W has been spewing. Telling me how much she hates me (and then telling me she doesn't). Telling me that the last few months when she has been looking at me with disgust and contempt, it was really sadness and longing (for me). D spent all weekend with her grandmother instead of W. According to MIL, it's because W didn't want to do ANYTHING at all.
I'm sad and angry. Sad for obvious reasons. I didn't want to move on, hoping that she would come back. At some point I stopped wanting that. One foot in front of the other. Angry because I'm being blamed. Angry because if what she's saying is true, I was supposed to read her mind to know that she just wanted her husband, and beat my head against the wall of rejection. Angry because it feels like W didn't want me until someone else did. Angry because I'm mad at myself.
Dating... wow. the date I went on was the best one I'd been on in my entire life. Chemistry. The kind of thing that only happens in movies. We practically kissed at dinner. We DID miss the entire movie because we were busy kissing. Four dates in two weeks. Each one better than the last. Incredible!
That ended last night. W's spewing got to me. I ended up spewing back. GF never wanted to be in the middle of a marriage. She bowed out. I could have made her stay, but then she wouldn't be her, and something beautiful would be gone from the world forever. I don't understand the relationship I had with her. But it was amazing. If we'd met a few months from now, at the right time, I can't even imagine how good my life would have ended up being.
Talked to W last night. I made her promise to get help. We'll see what happens. I still don't want her. If I went back, it would be to make HER happy and not ME happy. Maybe someday. I don't know.
