Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Hey SKM and Blu, thanks so much for posting.

You are both right off course, I need to stop obsessing. I'm trying so hard to get on with my life and to a certain extent I am because I am doing things for me and D without even considering H. For example we have booked our holiday for after her exams without even giving him a second thought. Also I am starting to reconnect with a lot of my friends who I avoided for a while because I was not in a good place to socialise. I am feeling a little bit better.

Blu, please don't ever feel like you will upset me. Off course your 2x4's sting a bit but I guess that is what they are meant to do . I just dont know how to let go without being a real b!tch and that is what I am trying hard to avoid. Once that happens then all hell will break loose and I will be on a train which will destroy any relationship that me and my H ever had or could have in the future. That is why I am holding back so much.

I take your point about D although I feel that without me he would never have known her so yes I feel like he has left her too. He watched me go through the end of a terrible divorce from my first H and watched both me and D suffer. He told her on our wedding day in front of friends and family that he would be the father to her that she never had so yes I feel he has left her too.

She is a typical 16 year old and is not bothered about seeing him although I have never stopped her. I suspect his reason for asking us out to lunch is because that is the only way he will get to see her at the moment so maybe I am enabling that. I also realise I lean on her too much but mostly now I cry in my bedroom or when she is not around.

The thing that stops me from letting go completely is because I know he is just not himself. He just didn't get fed up or angry and upped and left. He said a lot of worrying things like he doesn't feel like himself, something just clicked etc and I know for a fact that there is no OW. So I don't know where this leaves me.

I think I am rambling a bit because I am finding it hard to put into words how I am feeling. Sometimes I want to scream because I don't get to have the life I thought I would have. I think most of the time I just function on autopilot because if I stop I don't think I will be able to start moving again. It's all such a mess in my head! So many conflicting thoughts buzz in and out every second of the day I am surprised I actually get any work done! BUT, I am feeling and coping much better then I did 6 months ago .

I am sorry Blu, I know you are probably very frustrated with me and I am frustrated with me too! Do you think he is cake eating by wanting to meet us for lunch? Should I have said no? I just see this as a bit of progress because a few moths ago he would never have asked me to do anything with him. Im soooo confused !!!