25, I just realized I missed your last post, sorry! ... sometimes you make me think too hard :-) It's also lame that I still don't know how to do multiple quotes in one post. Oh well.
You talked about marrying our head and the heart, and I think ultimately *that* is the most important M of all. Hmmm, maybe THAT is the meaning of life? (Ever since Retrouvaille, I now speak and think in metaphors. It is constant source of laughter between us too. "How was your day?" "Bright yellow. Sunny and warm. Curious--like a new chick hatching." lol) I digress ... Clearly I am not a writer and I do very little writing for my job.
So head and heart--yes, the union is the real M goal--not the perfection but the delicate balance. Perhaps an authentic life is one where our decisions and core values (head) align with our feelings and emotions (heart). Instead of a war with one winner, they live in harmony. I am working on this way of life. I like the idea of them both shaping one another, but ultimately the head should have greater influence. In Biology, the Nature Vs Nurture argument, never has one answer because each constantly affects the other, and back and forth they go. There is even some evidence now that suggest that during sex we may even be exchanging DNA with our partner. That puts an entirely different spin on relationships, doesn't it?
Will my M survive? I would say "yes." However if it doesn't, I know without a doubt I will be fine and my life can still be great. I didn't know that before and I can see the unhealthy dynamics and codependency that existed. It is near impossible to see codependency when you are IN it. I like to think of these things as silver linings in my sitch. The more growth I find, the more I can see through the pain.
25, you talk about how things could have been different. I get a sense that you ponder what you could have done better. From my perspective (my very limited perspective), I wonder what your H could have done differently. As you know, you couldn't have really controlled that or even influenced it as much as you may have wanted to. That is what is so hard about this M stuff. Even if we are (as damn near close as we can be to) perfect, we still have zero control over the other person. You talk about "his underlying issues," which is really on him, isn't it? Not only to work through them, but to be willing to. Not everyone is. Maybe most are not, I don't know.
Did I take my H for granted? Absolutely. Again though, I was in this codependent M and couldn't see it clearly. When I met my H, he was such a breath of fresh air. I thought as we moved through life together and accomplished our goals that it would be enough. That things would slowly, and only, get better over time. That with each accomplishment--degrees, jobs, children, home purchase, and on and on, that life would just get better. I was ill prepared for all of the obstacles and hardships that came with it.
As life got more complicated over the years--because we lacked healthy coping mechs--the M kept taking one hit after the next. All we knew in terms of how to deal with things were what we saw or felt growing up. It wasn't enough! I didn't know it was even happening or that we were deteriorating. I thought our chosen union and feelings of love were enough. We were still together, still loving, still moving forward, etc, etc, that I couldn't see the foundation crumbling. Then the house fell down and it was too late.
So while I will never call his A and our separation a "blessing in disguise," because it has felt more like a curse, I will say that so much positive has come from it. The positive is that we have both chosen to look at ourselves deeply, to look at the M closely, and to do the hard work of rebuilding. If we blasted to the past 3-4 years go, the foundation was still unstable, even if the house didn't fall over. We could have lived in it, but that life didn't feel safe anymore. It wasn't enough. .... What was I talking about again ...
Oh yeah, so now I choose to be with him, and not because my vows say so. Not because I think it's the right thing, but because I like who he is becoming. I like myself more too. Again, more silver linings--they are there if you let yourself find them.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
