LT, In addition to looking for apartments may I suggest getting a separation agreement in place asap that outlines custody and support. You're going to want to protect yourself moving forward.
On another note, I know this isn't the outcome you were working towards but hopefully this get's you out of the limbo you've been stuck in for so long.
The healing for me really started when my XW moved out.
Good luck LT.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
Thank you Tryin. She seems very steadfast. I'm cycling through the same emotions of last year, just a bit more muted which is good.
Am I crazy for still loving my W, even after the past year?
I would literally do anything to save this M and my family, but it appears that is not enough. Choosing not to give up and I guess I'll go down swinging. Just wish she could see how bright the future is and how it can very easily involve all 3 of us together. I know the future for D and I is equally as bright, but all of this seems so unnecessary, though I do hear W's grievances.
Going to see a bunch of apartment communities tomorrow to have an idea of where D and I will live. Still unsure what to make of W wanting an apartment that's outside of Ds school district.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I'm so sorry to hear this LT. I do have to say again, however, that your best chance at saving this is to back off and just let her be. This is what she wants. Sometimes people need to be careful about what they hope for as they just might get it. That is your W.
True to form, however, she seems to think she is in control of all of this. I would not suggest going against any specifics just to go against them. However, if it's not what is best for you and D, you DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT. For example, she wants D to chose where she stays? Absolutely not. Have input, perhaps, but let a 9 year old decide adult things? No flipping way! I'd start with 50/50 and go from there. This does not go the way W wants it to just because she wants it to!
Who is going to pay for her apartment? Does she expect you to do that? Again, I'd go to court and get a temporary decree put in place. They will not force you to pay for 100% of HER apartment. That's not how it goes. If she wants out and wants on her own, she completely gets to make that decision. However, she cannot force you to pay for it so please don't!
In her "perfect world" she wants to decide and control everything. It's who she is. I mean, C'mon, a doctors office is "too small" for two parents? BS. That's just not the case and in fact many times it is both parents who attend. She doesn't get to control this - unless you let her.
As for her "being over the anger" again - BS. Did she take a magic pill or something? What happened to her living this way until D is 18? Remember that? It was only a few months ago that's what she had "decided" Now she decides something else and you should just go with it. Again, only if you think it is best.
Several here told you that they thought W would pull this - and they were right. This crap that "it just worked out that way" is just that - crap. This was her plan. You have to get back in the driver's seat here and put your man pants back on. Do what you think is best. Get the courts involved if you have to but DO NOT allow her to run the show while you pay for the tickets! That's what she wants. She will get an apartment, keep D, call all the shots and maybe sometime later think about getting a job???? NO FLIPPING WAY DUDE. NO WAY! Please take back your control here. Again she has asked for this. Give her what she wants and she may well not want it anymore. Plus, you'll be DBing like you should!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Wow, to me your W is lying. So don't believe anything she says. The point of the sale was to move to the new school district. Is that still the plan? Then you need to pick and apartment in that district since she didn't. Bottom line, let her go, take care of your needs and your Ds. You need a S agreement pronto.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
LT, In addition to looking for apartments may I suggest getting a separation agreement in place asap that outlines custody and support. You're going to want to protect yourself moving forward.
On another note, I know this isn't the outcome you were working towards but hopefully this get's you out of the limbo you've been stuck in for so long.
The healing for me really started when my XW moved out.
Good luck LT.
Betterman, I'm sorry, I missed this response last time I posted. I'm going to see my L today to discuss how this will work, but I agree, I think we need a S agreement in place that starts on the day that we split. Once we are S physically, I think we need to also be split financially as well. I think my W believes we will continue as we have for the remainder of the summer, just with her in one place and me in another. I appreciate the kind words my friend. It does seem like it would unlock this limbo and let us both get on with our lives, even if it [censored] to blow up the family unit.
I believe I've found an apartment. It's currently about 10 minutes from the place that W has applied for. I think that distance will give D and I the chance to build a life w/o W continuing w/ her controlling behavior. A friend pointed out that W wanting us to live in the same apartment complex was just an extension of her need to control everything. I'm actually getting pretty excited at the thought of D and I getting our own furniture, decorations, and stuff. I want this to be hers and my HOME, even if it is just until next spring. I'd like to see if I can work the finances to then buy a small house for us and get back to a "normal" life for her. We will see.
DonH, agree w/ everything you are saying. I'm discussing w/ the L today to see how we split everything prior to our late June closing. I'm working through all of the stuff I will need to make my apartment a home for D and I and I plan on being fully prepared for this. Felt like I was off balance for the past few days, but now that I'm getting a plan in place I feel more in balance. Amazing how much comfort comes from having a path to follow.
As for her "being over the anger" and "letting go of her control issues", I told this to my IC and he almost fell out of his chair. I'm in the same boat as you. whether this was her plan all along or she's just flailing around, it doesn't matter. I'm preparing like this is the split, so my L visit today will go a long way towards driving how I proceed from here. The apartment I got is large enough for all 3 of us, which i'll tell W, but I don't expect her to be coming w/ us. If she goes, then she does get what she wants, a complete split. At that point, I'm unsure this is repairable. Not a fan of her kicking me to the curb and not putting in any effort to save our family. guess i'll see how I feel if it ever comes to that point. Thank you my friend!
MV, yeah, I'm unsure if it's lying or if it's just her flip flopping back and forth. To be honest, I feel bad for her. Her brain seems like it's all over the place and that can't be easy for her. I really do hope she finds peace and happiness after all of this, but after the past year I know that only she can provide that for herself. no matter how much I smash my face against the wall, nothing I do will change her.
The plan all along has been the new school district. The apartment I've found is 1 mile from the school, has a bus stop for it at the front of it, and is very family friendly. Two thumbs up and D will be all set should we be forced to stay there longer than expected. Discussing S agreement w/ L today. Appreciate your insight as always brother!
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support. You've been by my side throughout all of this and I will eternally be grateful to all of you. We will see what the next month brings.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Feel like there's some closure now. Yesterday I had a 15 minute conversation with W. Listened and told her how I felt. Told her it was the last time I'd tell her I do not want this. Told her we'd never agree on the S but then I told her it's her decision and I respect her and whatever decision she makes.
Then I thanked her. I thanked her for showing me what issues I'd had last summer and helping me to become a stronger and better dad and man. I thanked her for helping me to get there. Then it was done. Now it's just taking all our stuff. Splitting it up. And moving on with life. She started pushing on defining this but I told her we needed to do it when we were less emotional. She continues to say that this is bc my D is telling W we so desperately need to be apart. W says D is miserable bc of the tension and bc of not knowing where we are moving.
Well, I spent all day with D yesterday, minus dinner (W and other S female friend took D and friend out). I asked D how everything was between us. She said good. I asked D if anything was bothering her. She said no. I asked D if anything around the move was upsetting her. She said no. D is now sitting here with her friend and myself on the couch before breakfast. Playing minecraft on the iPad and we are all laughing and talking. Does not seem like D is in a bad place right now.
W also said yesterday that I'd not changed over the past year and while I'd been nice to her over only the past two weeks, I was nothing but awful, threatening, and mean to her the past year. She only stayed bc I threatened her and forced her to stay. I've gone back and thought on this and don't believe that to be the case.
She said that she does not believe my "recent niceness" is genuine. I told her that I felt like she shunned and pushed me away the past year at every opportunity. That earlier this year I chose not to be stand offish anymore and decided I was just going to be myself. She said something about her understanding that I didn't understand how to express my feelings for her.
So with all that said , I'm very aware that W may be playing me. She seems to be spinning a story, at least with herself, about how he past year has been. Maybe it's perception. I feel like I've been her punching bag all last year and I stood there and took it and pushed back when appropriate. Maybe she viewed it all as obtainable and anger on my part. Who knows.
She pressed at the end of yesterday's conversation to let her keep D for the few weeks after we split to ease things on D. That's after she said that D would be ecstatic that we were splitting. I'm going to work to define everything before the physical split occurs. So, I'll hammer out those details this week. I'll hammer out with her what stays and goes in the house with each of us today. I'll sign my apartment lease, get the furniture we need and make that space into the warmest, most inviting home I can for D and I. And I'll keep busting my ass to makes Ds and my life awesome.
The other thing I'm 95% on is that when we physically split I'm done fighting for all 3 of us. W, at that point, is on her own. She's chosen her path. I'll respect her as the mother of my child and work with her to make Ds life awesome, but that's about all I'm willing to give. Maybe that part Is anger on my side, maybe it's ration. But if she is choosing to kick me to the curb then that's her choice to make, I've got mine to make as well.
So I'm done DBing to save my R at that point. I'll continuing DBing to make myself better though. I spent the last year DBing to save my family, but mainly I'm learning, to save myself. I feel great about my changes and I look forward to the future. Still in the emotional swings as this things grinds to an end but I see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I know that it's daylight and not a train speeding at me now.
Oh, and on a side note, w is sharing with D and friend that someone keeps trying to hack into her instagram account and she has no pictures on there. I'm assuming that's pointed at me bc w believes I'm "keeping tabs" on her. It just highlights how much less stress there will be when this thing settles. I will miss my W. I've loved her more than anything. I will miss my family. I thought I was our protector all these years, but in the end I could not hold the line. But I know fought for this thing and can live with myself, even in this failure.
Next few weeks should be interesting at least.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Sorry to hear that things haven't gone the way that you hoped. As for your W saying that you threatened and forced her to stay. She likely is lying to make herself feel justified in leaving. In my sitch my W made up lies about me. The good news is that her closest friends quickly knew they were lies and warned about them. As for you quitting DBing. I can honestly agree with your decision to do so. My philosophy is that I will fight for this marriage as long as your hear. But her leaving is considered abandonment to me, which means she should be 100% on her own. Glad to hear that your handling this quite well. I know that I would be freaking out on the inside.
Thanks Tread. Yeah, at the start of mine, when I showed my W I would not roll over and let her have her way in this, she had all sorts of lies about me and our situation she used to toss at me. I believe she is using my D as the reason to justify her leaving. Without my D "telling her that w and I should S" my W would be willing to stay another 10yrs. She says that she's doing this all for D. I can't think of a more horrible or selfish thing for her to say.
But, I feel like I know she wants to go. While the reason is not really for my D, she still wants to go. Whether she is able to justify it to herself or not doesn't matter to me. What I'm realizing is that I just really don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be here. [censored] for my family. [censored] for my D. But it is what it is. I made my case to her with my actions this past year. Can't do anything now to change her mind before we split. Lost cause.
That's why I'm done. I'm done bc she has shown she doesn't want this. She has shown it's ok to lie to me. She has shown that she doesn't respect me and is willing to hurt me in every way she possibly can. But she has given me a gift. This situation has forced me to become myself again. It's forced me to fix some issues I had with D. It's forced me to be better and be awesome. It won't help with my w but it's led to an amazing R with my D, and I've no doubt some other woman will be quite happy to have me in the future. Ws loss, but my gain!
So it's hard to be mad at her. Hurt yes, mad no. That's why I'm not freaking out on the inside. And that's why I'm done at the split.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Went through and split up all of our stuff this evening. Tough exercise. W was friendly and joking during it. Made my blood boil so I kept my demeanor business like. She took a couple jabs at my parents also about stuff they'd bought us in the past.
I think w thought she was being helpful and nice to me. She expressed I needed to speak up and tell her if there was something I wanted. I snapped back a bit and told her of course I know to speak up about what I want. She said you know, I'm trying to be nice and you are acting like a dick. I tell her this is a bit stressful for me, it was not my intention to come off like a dick, I apologize if I did.
She says "I can tell you are stressed". I'm thinking "no [censored]". She says that all of this will be better when we are not in each other's space. I tell her I've got no problem with her being in my space. She sits there quietly and I get up.
i talked to D again today about how she's doing. According to her, nothing is wrong. I'm doing a good job with her. She not worried about the move. And she appears to be a very happy kid. Not the picture W is painting of this miserable kid asking for mommy and daddy to S.
I feel horrible for her. We will probably tell her next weekend. I don't know how she will react but I believe she will be caught off guard. Hell, d and I spend so much time together after work and on the weekends, I don't know how that being cut down will affect her. Bleh
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
D and I going bowling this morning. Offered for w to go with us and I got a terse "no" back from her. She is trying so hard to keep me at arms length. Am I crazy for continuing to try until this is done?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
