Lim, I am so glad you started this thread! I can relate to a lot of what you (and Storm) say. I wonder if most people in piecing say that they let the spouse back too soon (easily). I could say the same thing. At this point, I am not even sure that matters anymore. What matters most is that both people want to be in the M and will do whatever it takes. So as much as the LBS wants this chance (and I did too), really, you only want that chance with a willing and remorseful partner.
Your list is great advice to others. Yes, it is hard work. What makes the work (of rebuilding the M) so hard, is that the triggers frequently get in the way. I think it is a good idea to set up times to talk about things, and not just bring them up based on emotions--that can go sour very fast--because more harm can be done than good! I agree with the MC too. As Storm also wrote, the MC has to be very good. Quality and experience is everything. A lot of therapists will list MC in their qualifications (or services they offer) but I would suggest a C that ONLY does MC. It truly is a specialty.
The questions of how many details do I want to know or need is TOUGH! Perhaps there are gender differences too? My H admits that he doesn't think he could handle the thought of me with another man (another reason he thought I could never see past it). For me, that my H's OW is not attractive (nor her body) I must admit helped. Also, he was clear from the beginning--even when he left--that there was never any depth to their emotional connection. She essentially admired him and made him feel good about himself. He sees now how flawed his perspective was.
I struggled with my mind wondering things a lot in the first year and second year at times. Now, I honestly don't care. I also have eased up on my bitterness towards her (we were so called "friends" for years before) and I just pity someone as shallow as her. I know that sounds somewhat arrogant, but I do. I don't see her (nor does my H) as a person with depth or integrity.
I would definitely suggest Retrouvaille at this point (although I am not finished). We even had people that came from out of town and are doing post-sessions online. It cannot solve M problems, but the techniques we are learning our invaluable. I don't want to share details because I don't want to taint anyone's' own experiences with it. We are learning detailed tools on how to communicate, listen, and have genuine compassion for one another. As this continues to evolve, the other issues and troubleshooting naturally become much more manageable. I would even say that the process is enjoyable. I can tell how much my H is willing to change and committed to me as the weeks go by and we continue the work. If you are Christian, I imagine you would find even more meaning in the program.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
