I hope you know how much I like you (yes, I am warming you up for a giant 2*4). I hesitate to post sometimes because I see so much validating and encouraging on these threads and it doesn't feel good to be the person that comes around taking the wind out of peoples' sails (not just yours, but most of the ones I read). However, I am not a rainbow f@rter and I tend to be a straight shooter. (sorry, now that I am in Retrouvaille, I speak in metaphors, haha) I am not here to earn points from anyone, but I feel that I am here to give people advice on what will ultimately help them become a stronger (healthier and happier) person and therefore increase their chance of restoring their M. I think you can't have the latter without the former.
I see you still hanging on to his actions and words and not living a life without him. I don't see how this is helping you move forward. You appear stuck and to be waiting for him to change his mind. In your sitch, I have seen you appear stronger when you go dark and start imagining a life without him. You seem to struggle more when you have more contact with him. You continue to initiate contact and then keep waiting and hoping for him to come around. You are justifying that he is not coming around because it has never been in his nature to pursue. I don't agree with this and I think you are justifying his behavior. This is a part of you still holding on. ... My H has never initiated/pursued anything, but that is a temperament/personality and ultimately he is still able to navigate his way and get what he wants. I think that is true for most people.
I think that you holding on is keeping you held back. Do you really want to sleep through the next year? Because if you did, you would wake up exactly where you are now. He is gone. He has been gone for a year. He does not have any plans of coming back. I am sorry that hurts you. I truly am. when my H was gone one of my dear friends would tell me that he is gone, it's over, and he is never coming back. It hurt so much to hear and I thought at times she was being insensitive. Now, I can see that she was trying to help me move on because she saw me not letting go. I think she was right in her approach because her saying that helped me accept my current reality and start grieving.
I also have noticed that you said that your H left "us" referring to you and your D. She has become a source of support and like a friend in this and has even told you to let him go. Something doesn't read right about this to me. Yes, H made the choice to leave his M, but I am not sure it is fair to suggest that you and your D are one unit. I am also not sure it is healthy for her that she is trying to be your support. I know she is almost an adult, but she is still your child. Have you ever said to her "this is between me and your step-dad and not about you. I don't want you to have to worry about me, I will be fine."? I just don't want her to have to feel this responsibility for you. She loves you so much and this is a lot for a young woman to take on. When she wants to protect mom, she feels a need to be strong, and consequently she may not be as able to address her own emotions as well. I know first hand because I have had to be a caretaker for my mom when she has lost husbands and it's not the best mother-daughter dynamic to set up.
Look, I am not an expert. I only know about you what I have read from my screen. But I see you as this incredibly loving mother, kind and compassionate person, and this guy has just walked out on you. He still gets your friendship (which I don't think he deserves) and now you are waiting a year later for him to change his mind and come back. It doesn't look like that is happening, or not any time soon. I also have not seen many people on the boards nice or friend their way back into a M. What appears to work is when the LBS lets go, moves on, and starts creating a better life without them. Plus, I think you and D deserve that.
I am sorry if I am harsh and not giving you hope and high fives like everyone else. I am just telling you honestly what I see. I wish for you that you would let this guy and this semi friendship go and start moving on. It's okay to feel sad and grieve. It's very painful. But you also deserve to be happy and start enjoying life again. As for him, well I can't even see how he deserves your friendship right now. I think a strong Coly wouldn't want to even be friends with the guy you are describing.
(((Coly))) If you hate me and don't want me to post anymore, I will completely understand. I am truly sorry if that stung. This is honestly and truthfully what I see from over here.
