Here's my situation: My W and I have been married almost 4 years.
Root of the issue was lack of physical/emotional intimacy. I didn't realize how unhappy/unmet/unseen my wife felt. I knew she was unhappy, but thought it was issues in her family, her lack of job/vocational fulfillment. I was stressed by $ and work.
We were poor. When engaged, I was in grad school, she was volunteering with AmeriCorps. Lived off food stamps for a while. Engaged for 1+ yr before wedding. Lived in house with friends for 1+ yr. before and after wedding. My wife reached out with her unhappiness, but I interpreted it as a rejection of me/our relationship. She brought up lack of sexual fulfillment. I interpreted it as my own inadequacy.
After months of work/reflection following BD, I have realized my W was reaching out with unhappiness many times. She then used her job, friendships, our dogs to fill the void. I felt ignored, pushed away; didn't realize how unhappy she was in R, how unmet emotionally/physically.
Last year we moved to NY from CA for her grad school. We knew no one where we moved. Big adjustment and we lived in a hotel for 3 mos. with our dog, all our stuff in storage while we waited for house to close. Her grad program is very intense and very stressful, long hours, lots of work. My new job was also demanding and stressful. She made friends through grad school. I made fewer friends. Life was crummy, but we knew it would get better. We move into house, get another dog.
On regular basis, she studies late into night, sleeps on couch, spends evenings at other friends houses studying. Though I felt the stress of the situation on our relationship, I misread signs of stress of grad school for actual signs of broken relationship, blossoming EA.
Last winter, BD: She is unhappy in marriage: says she never wanted to be married. Went along with it to make her parents, family, my family happy. Didn't want to let anyone down. Takes a few mos. for the rest of it to materialize.
I suspected EA with one of her school friends. Later found evidence I was right. Also PA. The affair partner was actually OW (other woman). This all threw me for a loop. Faced with the BD of EA/PA and question of my W's sexuality, I didn't know how to react.
This left me in a state of paralysis for a few months trying to read the tea leaves when I should have acted immediately. This is how I interpret it all now: I neglected her (I admit a porn addiction I turned to when she worked nights, I felt lonely) emotionally and physically. She may be bisexual, fluid, however you want to define. I followed some groups with closet-lesbian wife, but it didn't quite fit. I think she filled the void with an EA and PA that met her and made her happy. She has said as much, but also admits to struggling with doubts. She has always dated men prior to me. One fling with a woman, it didn't meet her.
Other complexity is that she feels sick when thinking of returning to sexual intimacy with me. In order to repair our relationship, she said she did things she regrets and felt used by me, not wanted/needed/seen or known physically. She felt like I just used her. I will be first to admit my lack of sexual experience and naivete. I didn't pleasure her orally because I really didn't know how important it was. She brought it up a few times but then when I tried to respond, she said it wasn't right and I felt shut down and inadequate. Felt like I couldn't return there. I have realized all this in the mos. of working on me, but when I tried to bring this up, she still had so much resentment/anger, didn't want to hear it.
In the end, I tell her I won't tolerate OW. She chooses her or me
2nd part of grad school is 6 week rotations. She has spent every other one away (other state, etc.). I have worked on 180, GAL since last summer-though as she is away a lot she does not always see this. It has been a long journey and I have made many good friendships, worked on self. I am not yet the man I want to be, but getting there. It is hard to do with the stress and pain of broken relationship.
Fast forward to 10 weeks ago, just prior to last 6 week rotation away, W moves out. I begin NC. She is in middle of wilderness during this rotation, so no cell contact. Her birthday passes, I don't send a card, note, etc. She returns, I maintain NC. She comes home, wonders if I forgot her birthday, if I even care. I tell her I sent good thoughts her way, but didn't send a card. She didn't read the last one I sent (weeks earlier-when I tried 180 of daily/weekly notes/cards that didn't seem to help).
I have not told my parents, family or friends outside of 2. She has told almost all of her friends (not our mutual, family, parents) how unhappy she is. Her parents/family are very supportive of me and really pushed her to work on marriage. That pressure has been really painful for her. She often talks of how guilty & hopeless she feels, even has talked about contemplating suicide. I tried to be supportive (listen when she wanted to talk about relationship, pain, etc.), especially with her questions of sexuality, last winter/summer. I encouraged her to find IC. She did. (we tried MC for a few sessions last year, but ended after agreeing we had different goals).
I have managed to keep the separation on the down low. I have not told my parents, just say she is busy. They constantly ask for her. She missed last holidays to be with her family-again, was able to somewhat Obviously, it is evident to outsiders our relationship is under a lot of stress and not healthy. I am just trying to keep the return path open. It is hard though. I don't really want to talk about it with family/friends, and of course they ask about her/relationship, etc. I try to be vague and change subject.
She wants to me to tell them and friends. Says I am acting like everything is ok, when it is not. Says she feels guilty for failing her family, my family, me. Says she is sorry for letting me down, being this way.
Over weekend, I was out at a athletic competition with friends. She was there and saw me, texted that a friend in the group had invited her to sit with us, but she didn't feel comfortable because I "keep up the act," still wear my ring, etc.
We have 2 dogs. Since beginning NC, I have not reached out to her, keep responses brief, end conversations first. It is hard because she will want to talk about marriage (things she was unhappy with, how I didn't see her, etc.) I try to show her I am listening, but then return to subject and end conversation. Last night I did reach out for first time to ask that she return dogs (we have alternated care since her return-think joint custody of kids?). She called me and wanted to talk about our vows-why I didn't want to write them and instead use standard vows (married in Catholic Church). I told her my reasoning (I liked the rich history of tradition) and redirected to the dogs, we made a compromise and I ended call.
She has repeatedly threatened D and getting papers, etc. but I have not seen any movement. She also will bring up wanting to talk to "make plans" and "make decisions for future"
I think I am doing the right thing and on the right path. I am doing 180, GAL, working out, eating healthy, working on my porn addiction, making/building/maintaining friendships. I struggle with reaching out to old friends who know us both, talking with family, dealing with pain (detaching) of her absence. It is hard to maintain this balance of GAL, detaching while still keeping path of return open.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Any advice, guidance?
How do I respond when she wants to turn conversation to marriage issues?
