So here's the thing....

[NDY]

Before I begin, Job I'm sorry I'm on a tablet and can't find my old thread. It's in the dim and distant past on newcomers.

It's been a while since I started a thread here. But today I thought I would.

For those interested my story is this.

I'm now D'd. Have been for a while now. It's ok. I have my man cave and S11 and I get to spend a lot of time together. When we do it's a blast. I feel like I have it together but we all have that little bit of doubt. Or is that just me?

Anyway a bit of backstory for those who are interested.

ExW and I had been together nearly 20 years, married for nearly 15 of those. After the BD I came here hoping for salvation. I found it, just not in the flavour I was expecting.
When I first came the lovely 25yearmlc tried to help. She pressed me on what I did wrong in my r but I just couldn't see it. We weren't a perfect couple but we were by no means a toxic couple. We were friends, still intimate and still lovers even after all that time. But she went wild.

In 2013 two things happened. My ExW turned 40, and FIL committed suicide. She was the perfect storm. That Christmas was lovely but by the March her Emotional affair started and my the May it was physical. By November it was over. By the February she was pregnant with OM's baby (now boyfriend). That's why I'm here in MLC.

Anyway after the last lie I could stomach one poster on here, painter I think told me to "let it go". So I did. I sold the house, moved to this place and got on with my life. And things have been great. I've had a lot of fun.

I went full nc. Last year she and I had a total of one non digital conversations. One. This is important as it relates directly to the reason I've decided to post.

I always maintained I'd not be her friend after D. For a lot of reasons.

S11 plays sports, and when he has a competitive game that the only time ExW and I are in the same room together. I don't sit with her and don't talk to her. Not being a douch, just not interested in giving her a free pass. I have to let go and this is the only way I know how.

Now a couple of weeks ago my brother was diagnosed with cancer. Before you panic it seems like it's very treatable and the mortality rate is low. We're all hopeful he will be fine. I had to go see him. He lives 700 miles away and needed to get on a plane. But it was my weekend with S11 so asked ExW if we could swap weekends. She of course said no problem and asked if I was going somewhere nice. I said no and explained the situation. She was very concerned and asked to be kept up to date. And to be fair she did text me asking how he's doing. And she's text my brother and SIL expressions no her concern and hoping the best for them.

And now to today. The reason I felt compelled to come back and write this. At the sport complex I was waiting on S11 and he turned up 5 minutes before her. She came in and sat beside me and started asking about my brother etc. Of course I filled her in and she asked about my mum etc which is all normal. We had to move to the other side of the court as that was where S11's game was and again she sat with me. She needed a coffee and something to eat and asked if I wanted anything. I said no. Because I really didn't need anything but she asked again. Still said no but I thought it nice she asked.

And then we started talking and it was so frikking easy. I had to hold myself back a few times because I just wanted to talk. No r stuff, just normal stuff. It was almost like it was back in the day. Before all this.

After the game I left. She and S11 and no doubt her boyfriend were going out for food. she did say see you as I left and I replied see you around and left.

Anyway sorry for the long post. Just thought I'd share.

[Huddy]

My old Bud

Firstly, sorry to hear about your brother. Will text you separately on that.

If my counting skills are correct, it's now about six months since your D became absolute. So, having read so much on here (as you have as well), you know that's the timeframe for them to start realising that they have made a boo-boo and look long and hard at what they have done. It's also three years (virtually to the day) since she kicked this whole thing off. Hmmm....interesting.

This has now fried your mind. You're thinking about the MLC shitestorm and you're dragged back in. Deep down, you know you still have feelings, that's why it was so easy to talk to her. Did the convo cover things other than your brother? Not R talks, but did she mention things from your past? You're back in to the assumption game about food, boyfriend etc. If OM wanted to be a step dad (which by default, he has become), if he's like me, when I became a step dad, you want to be part of everyone's life in the family situation. Where was he?

You're no mug, and I have valued your opinion again and again, but, how do you want this to play out? Those pesky feelings don't tell lies to you - you know you're not done - right? Maybe she's trying to re-connect. One for somebody who has been through MLC and come out the other side.

[rd500]

Hi Ndy , positive thoughts re your brother.

Just my humble opinion now , I think the current events could be looked at several ways. Firstly your EXW still cares about you ( and will continue to unless something drastic happens ) and will want to be your friend. Also I would Imagine she regrets how the M came to an end and her actions before the end.

Secondly , you have been on your journey though this and have grown as a person. NC helps tremendously with the healing because your not able to analyse the WAS. Maybe the new stich is a reflection of you and your ability to control your feelings and be more accepting of the reality of what is.

All of the above is my take and I'm far from an expert. I also think Huddy has made a good case for the fog of MLC lifting a little but 3 years isn't that long in MLC.

Take care, Rd

[Sotto]

Hi NDY, I'm sorry to hear about your brother's diagnosis. A good friend of mine has just finished treatment for breast cancer and I'm pleased to say is doing really well. Not the easiest thing to go through - but I hope your brother is in a similar place in around six months time.

I can understand why you would feel the need to go NC with your XW. Yours was one of the worst kinds of situations with her pregnancy in the mix too - and OM still on the scene. I'm also NC with XH, who lives a distance away and we don't have kids together. Also OW still on the scene as far as I'm aware.

Distance is good in many ways - but what I don't think you get is used to 'rubbing along' with your ex as an ex. And then any contact you do have feels like a bigger deal and gets your mind racing..

Perhaps that conversation was the start of things settling a little more. And I do think it is good if you can have a little contact without too much spinning as you do have a child together and if you can link on stuff that's good..

Who knows if she is wondering whether she made a mistake. TBH, I wouldn't even go down that line of thinking. She has yukky OM as a boyfriend - so end of story....

Now perhaps if she jettisoned him and did some significant work and and and...well then I can imagine you might start to feel more open to potentially building something again. But there she is not....

Anyway, JMHO and hope there is something useful in there for you. Keep making nice plans for yourself and enjoying a good relationship with your son..

[NDY]

Huddy. Mate what a memory. I'm 8 days short of her PA starting. But I don't hold much on timelines. And as I see it I do not see any indication she thinks she's made a boo boo. Perhaps she hasn't. Perhaps she's truly happier now than ever. We talked about a few things. Like I said it was easy. Too easy.

Rd. Thanks man. Yea. I hear ya. 3 years is nothing but I do feel like I'm in control of me. I know she still cares. Just not enough to want to be my wife anymore. She wanted something else. Not sure if she found it or not but hey. What ya gonna do?

Hey Sotto. Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad to hear your friend is on the mend. I'm positive my bro will be just fine. He's a fighter so he won't give in. I hear what you're saying re ExW. Perhaps the dust is setteling. iDK and I'm not thinking about what she's thinking. I'm only thinking about how easy it was. To talk to her. I could have made it so much easier but I had DB in the back of my mind. And she kept it coming. And every now and again I forgot about DB and would talk like nothing had happened. And she would respond. Positively.

IDK. It's all a bit weird. It felt almost like 2013 again. Just not, because I was holding back.

[Huddy]

NDY is a stand up guy. We've met several times and his EXW would be mad to have left him. The one thing that always worries me, is that the MLC'er doesn't know how to take the first step back to rebuilding the link.

Personally, I don't think NDY should cut off this communication strand. I know what everyone is saying here is perfectly right, but how do you start a reconnection, if you can't talk?

Of course, it would be up to NDY to want to reconnect - an additional child puts a major spanner in the works, but I don't think any poster should discourage the communication strand.

[bttrfly]

NDY, I don't think it's weird at all. You were together a very long time, from your twenties. That's a lot of life shared. You've done the work on detachment, so of course it's easy to talk to her.

This seems perfectly normal to me (what that says about me, I dunno, lol)

Sorry about your brother's diagnosis. Sending prayers for your family xoxoxo

[25yearsmlc]

Hi NDY

you're doing well and I get the NC approach totally.

While Divorces are "supposed" to unravel decades of a marriage and the creation of a family frankly, it does not. More like a furniture piece torn apart. There are wooden splinters and laminate still on some parts, and missing on others and the pieces never quite work the same...sigh...

Like you, I would not read anything into it other than a desire to have warmer relations with you and that's not necessarily about wanting more or a recon...

OR believing she can have more. Think out what that would take.

First, it would take a seismic change in her to realize she really truly screwed up,

AND it would mean she believed she could try to make amends AND to reconcile- which are 2 very different things but one might lead to the other -

(but also means she gets past her fear that you'll throw a rock at her when she probes for more...)

AND that she was willing AND able to do the work she would need to do, to start anew.

Oh, & all this^^ leaves out the factor called NDY. MOST LBSers focus on recon and do not look past it, to see how very difficult piecing is.

I wish I had done that differently but I'm trying to

remind myself to "Stop looking back, it's not where you're going."

It's true that once divorces go thru the legal process there is less pressure. Sometimes that leads to a "safe space" to reflect more.

But she is in a very new life now. There is a child whom I assume she loves dearly...it's a hard thing to come back from, let alone so soon. (Did she ever process her father's suicide? That stinks).

Oh i read an article with some actual data about couples reuniting after a divorce, & it's usually years after.

I would not snub her gestures re your brother or even sitting near each other at games if there's no OM there. Like it or not, she was a part of your family for decades, and is still your son's mother, and it sounds as if she genuinely cares about your brother and SIL. Those are good things in most people's books.

(Why shut out added support sent your brother's way?)

Besides, it's a good example for your son.

I'd say to Keep your guard up, and your GAL going.


Btw, how's your love life?

[roist]

I wouldn't dwell on this. Put it down as a nice interaction and continue on trucking.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

NDY,

Wow, you've been through a lot. Sounds like you are doing great. I'm relatively new to this scene (9 months) so don't have much advice to share but just wanted to thank you for sharing some perspective on what life looks like on the other side. And my two cents on the latest interaction with your XW is that you opened the door a little when you told her about your brother and she responded to that positively.