Hello...can you hear me?

[Georgiabelle]

Get ready for a wordy post. I was so happy on Friday. The CEO sent me a very kind parting note and pizza was served for lunch. I thought it would be fun to have a nice dinner and spend the night in a hotel and NG joined me. We had fun and I felt very in sync with him. Saturday afternoon was a different ballgame. I hope I don't sound super dramatic in this post but I also want to be honest.

I spent the day with my x brother in law and his gf. We had drinks and hung out at the pool. I generally have cocktails around 3x a month and on occasion I have had one too many. After a day of drinking we went to a friend's restaurant. At a moment, it hit me that never in a billion here's what I have suspected five years ago that I would be out not with my husband. And I realize that although it appears that I'm having fun, this just really isn't what I saw for myself. And I grapple with that immensely. I love being married and I loved having a family. And while I still have a family And a new guy in my life who is wonderful to me, it is also fraught with establishing expectations with a new person, commingling of children, dealing with exes, scheduling to hang out, etc. and a new guy in my life who is wonderful to me, it is also fraught with establishing expectations with a new person, commingling of children, dealing with exes, scheduling to hang out, etc. and trust me there are worse things in the world. However I realize that for me this is really daunting on many levels.

The people I was with pointed out that they could tell I really liked x-a friend of mine. And at that moment I became profoundly sad because I have never been sexually attracted to any of my friends. Sexual attraction is something I can go years without ever feeling. I'm sure I have mentioned it before but I am most certain that I fall under the umbrella of asexual. There are different forms and I have discussed with therapists in the past. While I recognize it's who I am, it is not something that I discuss into the outsider it probably doesn't appear that way. I can be very flirtatious and I want to be desired, however, I don't generally want to do anything. The sex with NG is the only fulfilling sex I've had in my life, but that's kind of a ridiculous statement sense I've always hated it before. I don't with him however, like always, it is not something I really desire.

Enter someone I had a hook up with one night. I wasn't expecting to see him and I actually had for me a sexual attraction to him. However, I would not do that with him and he felt I had teased him. One night thing. He was there and I felt repulsed by the site of him. However, perhaps fueled by alcohol and the fact that I just was going to say hi to him (because I wondered why after all of these years I was sexually attracted to him). He walked off. It did not sting as I thought it would and it felt like the universe was saying "this is why you didn't do that with him." But all of these things bring out an arrray of feelings.

I was super inebriated and acting stupid. A 44 year old drunk woman is not a pretty site. I felt ridiculous and exposed. But all I can do is realize I looked dumb and not repeat it again. I guess we all have our moments. I had another one.

I don't know. I feel like internally I did a 180. From super happy to the bottom of the barrel. There are times when I think I am ready to live with NG. I don't know what that looks like. He is ready. I have discussed to a certain degree my being under the umbrella of asexual. It's very complicated and confusing to explain to people that while you find lots of people attractive, you are sexually attracted to virtually no one.

Some days I wish I could disappear, you know? Maybe for a month. Or take the kids and move to a remote location. I don't know. I want something to flip a switch for me. I'm trying.