Is it Midlife Crisis, Walkaway Spouse or the End?

[ciluzen]

I don't think you misspoke. I guess what I was saying was, what she does should not really matter...you can't control it so don't dwell on it (hard concept, I know). You can control you. If she is gone during the weekend, she's gone. Its your opportunity to visit with friends, make new friends, have people over, spend time with kids, try new activities, etc. Have quiet time reading a book or watch what you want. You're single. Let me repeat that. You are single.

During the week, you have a housemate. You mentioned "distancing". I, personally, dislike that word. It makes it sound like you are the one being distant and creating the distance between you. It sounds like an attempt at controlling the situation. Just worry about you, for now. Just set your boundaries and be. Figure out you and do you. Gloriously, happily. I set little challenges for myself each day. Also, if something scares me, I see it as something I might need to overcome. It makes your self worth and growth register off the charts.

It doesn't matter why she stays in the house...she's there. It doesn't matter if there is an OM, other than that if you see proof, big boundaries will need to be set.

You have short respectful convos. I'm curious. Other than "hello" and "nice to see you" or "that shirt really brings out your eyes", are you initiating these conversations? I'm all for encouraging her to talk if she initiates a conversation beyond hello or in response to a nice compliment about something she's done (validation of something within her control); it allows you to practice listening which allows her to feel heard. Feeling heard and appreciated is often a major issue. But beyond that, what are the conversations about? Are you speaking with a pleasant look on your face? Lots of eye contact? Are you asking questions of her? Offering advice? Cutting her off to make the conversation short? Are you bringing up R even in a round-about way?

That's a lot of questions about "short, respectful conversations", but I guess I have a point. It is important what they are about and what role YOU play in them...start, ending, and meat in the middle. Anything approaching probing for info, seeking to control (tone, advice, suggestions), judgement, or prolonging the conversation will send her running. A dour, flat, or callous expression...anything other than "light and breezy" (accepting and warm) will also make her run. Cutting her off for the sake of following the "keep it short" rule, especially if she starts to open up or complain about something...missed opportunity to listen, learn and VALIDATE; something we all crave.

You want to do something different? What are your 180s in the way you deal with her? Sometimes its as simple as eye contact and listening. Once again; its all about the part you play and what you do with it. This is all you can control, so look at what you've done that has worked and what hasn't. Try to remember things she's said...or yelled or cried about. Think hard...was there even a kernal of truth? It might be the start of another 180. You get to be your own psyche experiment!

Look, its not easy. It really does take patience...and the ability to look hard at what's at play in the R. You can point to "Love Must Be Tough". But I think there should definitely be room for love being kind and understanding. People really only leave, if not physically then emotionally or mentally, if they are in crisis. That crisis is from their point of view, as well. We may not see it clearly...they may not either. So we get the lovely job of piecing what works in forging peace from fragmented, emotional clues shouted, snarled or hidden from us in sneaky little accidentally discovered secrets. We can't fix it for them, but we can help guide them by creating a safe, non-judgemental, pleasant refuge and "home". We don't have control over them, just us. So the most loving thing you can do is be that "lighthouse" for when they are searching for a safe place by proving through consistent action that you are strong, calm, unaffected, quietly listening and happily secure within yourself. Tough doesn't have to be stern.