LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

I’ve been piecing for just over a year now and I want to share what that has been like.

As a quick summary, my W is a triathlete. She had a 5 month A with her coach who is M. I discovered the PA after it had been going on for 2 months by hiding an audio recorder in her car. What I heard devastated me.
I took a week to think about it, to decide if it was something I could forgive and I sought counsel from friends, my IC and an attorney. I then confronted my W and kicked her out of the house. She had already been planning on S at some point in the coming weeks but the S started immediately when I confronted her.
She told me the A had ended and I thought we were working on our M but I discovered 2 1/2 months later that it started up again after a brief hiatus so I filed for D and served her papers. Three days later, the A came to an abrupt end when OM confessed to his W. A week later, we started piecing.

The biggest mistake I think I made in the whole process was taking my W back too quickly. Even though I filed for D, she never really “lost” me. At the first sign of true remorse, I took her back. Members of this forum encouraged my to not stop the divorce proceedings. But I didn't listen. Although I did want to begin R my M, I should have told her “Too bad, you made your choice” and at least made her sweat it for a little while. I should have made her work hard to earn her place back in our M. I don't want to imply that she isn't doing any of the required work; she is. But I made the path home too easy for her.

Early on in the piecing process, things were complicated by OM’s W. She met with my W just 3 days after OM confessed and my W had the opportunity to apologize. I’m sure that was a horrible experience for my W. Things got weird when it became apparent that OM’s W felt that it was appropriate for us to “all heal together.” She even told my W that eventually it would be fine for my W to come back over to their house to begin training again (he trains athletes from his home). That was ABSOLUTELY not ok with me. I made that very clear. But it took months for my W to realize that would never work. OM’s W continued to contact my W off and on for sometime. I eventually met with OM’s W and talked with her for 3 hours. I had a cease and desist letter, drawn up by an attorney, in my pocket instructing her not to contact my W anymore. I ended up not giving it to her because I felt that she understood that I did not want her contacting my W. She contacted my W again and so I had to tell her that if she contacted my W again, we would file a restraining order. With the exception of some minor bumps in the road, she has stopped contacting my W.

My W started sleeping at our house full time after about the first month of piecing and moved back home by the end of the second month. The first month was really good and my W continued to express genuine remorse. But I think in the second month of piecing, she started going through the withdrawals from the A and her attitude has been different since then. I feel that she is really struggling to find the meaning behind the A and in coming to terms with the fact that it was built on a fantasy and that it wasnt real life. The emotions she felt were real but they weren't sustainable. She was addicted to the high that she got from it.

I have read MANY books on recovering from infidelity. She has not and I don't think she understands how badly she damaged our R. I don't think she understand how badly this hurt me. I would have liked to have seen her take the initiative and seek out all the books I was reading and talk to me about what she read in them. She didn’t. I could have asked her to read the books with me but in her mind, if I did that, she would have seen it as me saying “Dont forget about what you did, you’re not good enough, you’re not doing enough, read these book you sorry POS!”

For the past 8 months or so, we have not really talked about the A but that has recently changed. I have LOTS of unanswered questions and we now have weekly meetings where I can talk about my questions. For instance, until our first talk last week, I didn't even know how the A started. I didn't know what was said, what was done that lead up to them deciding to make it physical. She has been answering my questions however not without hesitation. She feels that if I have truly forgiven her, then I wouldn't want to keep dragging up the past and wanting to know all these details. I’ve had to explain to her that it has nothing to do with forgiveness and that I need to have my questions answered so that I’m not left guessing what really happened. In our second conversation this week, when she thought I was going to ask again about something that we discussed last week (I wasn’t), she got angry and told me “I will not discuss something again that we’ve already talked about and that SHE would decide if she would answer specific questions.” I was able to keep my cool and explain that doesn't work for me. I was able to pull out a book and read a passage that explained why the betrayed spouse needs to have questions answered. Her demeanor seems to have changed since then. When we’ve had these first couple of talks, I’ve been able to keep my cool and hear things that are hurtful to me but not retaliate with anger. I’m hoping to show her that she can tell me everything and not be attacked as a result of hearing these things. I’m working HARD to show her that she can trust me not to hurt her or lash out at her with the things she discloses to me.

As for trust, its obvious that the betrayed spouse will take a long time to be able to trust again. But I’ve also learned that my W doest trust me either. Her fear is that I will never get over what she has done. The result is that she has not poured into the R as much as I have because she fears that no matter what she does, it won't be good enough. She’s afraid to make herself vulnerable to me for fear that I will walk out the door regardless of what she does. I can understand how that is a legitimate fear.

As for me, I’m a changed person. I’m no longer the sorry excuse for a husband and father that I was for most of our marriage. I used to be moody, critical, uninvolved, judgmental and I let myself go physically. I dug deep to shine the light on all my many undesirable traits and began working to change those things. I’m not perfect; never will be. But I’m committed to being a better person because I want to be a better person, for ME. The side effect of that is that all my friends and family now have access to a better quality LiM.

Piecing is hard, hard, hard. Things are not magically better just because the A has ended. In fact, that's when the real work begins. You will endure the trauma of the infidelity daily for some period of time. You will have a few great days with your S only to be back down in the depths of despair the next day. You will be angry and resentful one day and loving and forgiving the next. You’ll go from being excited about the chance to make your M better than it ever was to wondering if its even worth it.

My advice for piecing?
Be patient. This will take a long time. I’m expecting it to take me at least 2 years to get over the bulk of the trauma.
Go to MC
Be vulnerable with your S and encourage them to be vulnerable with you
Read lots of books on recovering from infidelity and encourage your S to read them with you. Talk about them together.
Go on dates. Spend as much time together as you can.
Dont be afraid to be the one that “goes first.” If you’re waiting on your S to do or say something that will improve the R or move towards healing, you may end up being disappointed. Take the initiative. If you are hurting and angry, you can choose to stay curled up in the fetal position or you can choose to seek out your S and put your arms around them.
Talk about the A. Find out what needs the OM/OW was meeting for your S. Discover your role in making the M vulnerable to an A. Talk about that and take ownership of it.

LiM