This has hit hard. I have been feeling very depressed. Son is with father, and I literally did not leave my room yesterday. Even acute BD, I was getting out, going shopping, exercising. But right now, I have been in a really bad mood. All I want to do is sleep and escape.
I might need ADs, but I do not know any MDs that I would trust and I am afraid of medication. I do have an appt with a counselor for next week though.
I am relating to the main character from Rosemarys Baby. Everyone around me acting like things are normal, when really there was this major threat. And that's what I feel like. Ex's mom refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue. Ex was and is so damned secretive. And he continues to act like everything is normal. If I did not share a son with him, it would be different. I would never have to deal with him. But this is scary. Addiction is scary. It is dark and dirty and dangerous.
I have been reading a pretty well known drug forum, and that world is just so scary. Its hard to discover my ex is part of it and was leading this double life for so long. And I never ever want my son to be part of it either.
I feel like there is just too many people I have to deal with that are dark and manipulative and liars and codependents. The lawyers, my ex, and his mom. I just want that all gone.
I am glad to be away from ex. I know now what I was up against. I know why I was always so frustrated. I know that he was empty and selfish and could never be a real partner to someone. It was this frustrating battle where I was always trying to just get him to be a partner to me. I did not know why he couldnt and now I know.
I should have been the one to have left him. Many spouses of addicts at least have the knowledge of their spouses addiction. My spouse was so secretive and I feel manipulated and lied to. He made it out like he had this demanding job so that he could "provide" I deserved to know so that I could make the choice. The financial duplicity is revolting.
I dont know how to get over this. The only good thing, is that he is taking the minimum visitation. There are no custody battles. I have to remember that.
