Is it Midlife Crisis, Walkaway Spouse or the End?

[ciluzen]

Hey SJ! I applaud the healthy changes you've been making; good work and keep going! It gets easier and more comfortable as you go along and then you'll have another insight and another thing you'll realize needs work...its ongoing. All for the best and on to being a better you!

With that said, this caught my attention:

"i feel i should be saying things such as; i want new relationship, i'm committed to do all i can to make it work, i'm a new man; yet it also feels counter productive and against all the DB'ing I've instilled in myself"

There are two common sayings in DB-land that hold the answer or insight. "DBing is for you" and "actions speak louder than words".

We get so excited about the changes and epiphanies and new-found knowledge we've gained, that we just want to push it in our H/W's face and say "look! I'm a changed man/woman! I'm worthy of you now!". Actually, we were "worthy" all along. Just flawed humans, as they are. DBing is for us; to improve ourselves and to help us fall in love with ourselves all over again. It also gives us better tools to understand and better relate to others. By trying to TELL them this, it really will most likely just fall on deaf ears. They have created an image of you in their head that supports their behavior toward you and justifies the life they are living at the moment. Its a shield...it keeps them from facing their own flaws and doing similar work on themselves. Its easier to cast blame on someone else than to accept your own behavior as flawed. By DBing, we get to face that in ourselves because we are trying to understand what happened; we were forced to examine our behavior. Our spouses simply got sad, mad, crazy enough to run or hide. Much easier, in a way. That's why we leave them to their selves. Without us to be around to blame, the hope is that they have to eventually look at their own behavior and their part in the cause of their unhappiness.

Instead of telling them, "look at me and my changes!", we SHOW them. We show them how we are happy and unaffected by their absence by living a great life authentic to us. Often, this actually brings us back full circle to where we started when they fell in love with us; that person we used to be that we left behind while shouldering the responsibility of being "two". We show them we still love them by being kind (not smothering) despite their behavior, while holding firm boundaries to protect ourselves from angry spew, their own flip-flops, or whatever unacceptable behavior there is.

But try to TELL them? They aren't in a place where they can believe it even if they wanted to. They've told themselves that we didn't love them in order to justify their behavior. Our words are lies; not to be trusted.

Stick to actions; she'll notice. Be consistant, be kind, be unaffected by the things she throws at you, whether its a question, a new look, a harsh word, a crazy action, or an ax (practice ducking). She needs to SEE those changes. She needs to trust that nothing she does will be judged by you or hurt her. She needs to feel safe again. And the consistant part is key; it can only happen if the changes are genuine. Which means, its for you, not for her. If you're only DBing for her, those "changes" are just temporary.

You're right. We all do hit those stages where we're "increasingly accepting" that we won't reconcile or have almost dropped the rope (often thinking we have). But when we actually do, we probably won't notice. We will be living our lives. Authenticly. Without wondering whats up with them and having it affect us emotionally for the day or week.

It will take a long time, especially for those of us who were married for a long time. As I explained to my D the other day, I was married at 23. I was always "intwined" with XH's life or those of my children's for almost all of my adult life. When you think about how much people refer to or call upon the past in day to day stories and conversation, you realize there is no escape from mentioning your spouse or children at some point each day. So, you accept that part of your life, but also understand it was such a big part it will be hard to fully "drop the rope". It will take a looong time. So be gentle with yourself, but don't try to rush the process by telling her about the changes. I've done it. It was "acknowledged" but nothing more. I've found just following the "rules" but allowing him to be heard was a better way to be. We all enjoy being heard, and it is a great way to rebuild trust and understanding.

You can do this, SJ. And I see you're doing well. Just be patient and keep your knees bent. It gets better.