A WW? (8)

[lt0402]

As I said weeks back, I think it's possible she might start to miss you offering to help and start to want it again.

Not when she is screwing someone else, it isn't.

Well, I've backed off the offerings of help after we had the exchange via text. Unsure if the OM is still in the picture. Nothing I see points to it, but I'm aware that it may still be ongoing. W still seems pissed off all the time, even with me letting up on the help/warming up to her front.

W's birthday is this weekend, as is mother's day. W has told me she wants nothing for either day. W told D she wants a birthday cake, but did not tell me that direct. I've ordered a cake and D will decorate it for her. Grabbed a card for each day too, but not gifts, per Ws request. W mentioned to D 2 nights ago that she'd get the cake, but I informed W it was already ordered and I was picking it up Fri. Got a neutral response to it.

My big question is how her bday day will go. Ws big complaint last year was that she spent her bday all alone in the house (conflict avoidance) and that was when she realized she was done. Of course her bday night was the night she started talking to OM heavily on FB and then 3 weeks later was BD. I've offered to do something with her and D on her birthday and that was harshly shot down. Debating if I tell W that if she would like to do anything this weekend, I'm more than happy to, but that's her choice.

Who knows. no right answer to any of this stuff, so still feeling my way through the dark, just with a brighter flashlight than I had at this point last year. Looking forward to hanging out with D tonight as I had an after work function last night and missed her. She did facetime me though, which was AWESOME, as she doesn't usually like to talk to W or myself over the phone. Love that kid!

Thanks all for the thoughts and support!

[lt0402]

Well, a couple big things have happened since we sold the house. Ws dad passed away this week. She's been traveling back and forth to take care of things and I've been picking up the slack she's left here so she doesn't have to worry about it.

Also, last night we had a conversation around the moving piece of this. W informed me that she will not be moving with me and as of last Tuesday she has found an apartment. I was a bit surprised as we'd discussed previously we'd find a place to rent together. I told her I did not want to S but she was welcome to go if she chose to. She could not, however, take D with her. She said that was threatening and borderline abusive. She offered a custody split closer to 50/50 which is a big reversal from her 95% custody split in the fall. She said she has suffered for too long and reside to suffer anymore. She says that she stayed back in November only bc she didn't want to force D to have a Christmas court date. She also accused me of having a girlfriend, keeping a secret bank account, and finding a new lawyer to come after her. None of which is true. She says she has evidence of all of it. Ok...

She says she would have stayed another 10yrs if I wasn't worse than when this whole thing started. She said that D has come to her twice in the past week and told W she wants us to S. W says D is so miserable bc of me and I just don't see it. This is the same kid that won't leave my side when I get home from work and who FaceTimed me this morning at 5am from her friends sleepover just because.

W had other things to say about how horrible I'd been to her over the years. How she has no life and how she only feels anger towards me. I offered that regardless of what happens she should see an IC for her anger. She told me she is never angry with anyone else, it is solely me. So an IC would do nothing for her. She says she will never let go of the anger she feels towards me. She says that Ds and my R will be so much better once we split. I tell her if D and I have issues I'll discuss them with her directly.

She says I never made an MC appointment. I said I don't think you know how MC works. Both people need to be willing to work on things. She says I never would have worked on it.

She asks why I've been so nice to her over the past few weeks. I tell her it's bc I am choosing to treat her how I'd want to be treated. She says why do you keep doing it when I tell you it upsets me. I tell her that I'm being nice when we communicate bc that's how I choose to and want to treat my W.

She asks why she should believe that I'm not just pretending and that I'm really different. If I have really made these changes, why didn't I make them years ago when she was so miserable. She then says a couple times, that's a fair question. I tell her that it is a fair question. I say that I know I've made mistakes in the past. Back then I didn't understand how to fix them. I didn't understand her needs or how she processed things. I didn't understand my needs, feelings, or how I processed things. I truly am sorry for not being able to fix that back then. It took me coming to the edge of the canyon and falling in to really grasp how to fix things. But the reason I know I'm good is bc I understand all of this now. I'm able to hear her and D now. Even with it looking like this marriage is not salvageable, I know I'm in a much better place to handle my relationships going forward. She sat there quietly at that point.

W then tells me she has only been approved for an apartment not put a down payment on one. She tells me that if I can come up with some other option then we can discuss it and she doesn't have to get the apartment.

We then went in circles on some stuff and started to wind down. At one point after hashing through why I didn't fix this years ago when I have done just that now she stops and thinks and says "well, maybe if we..." and then catches herself and says no, it's too late.

She said I'm a great dad and good person and it [censored] that she cant get over her anger. But she's suffered for 8 years. And she refuses to suffer anymore. And she refuses to let D be miserable. She also “knows” I've been keeping tabs on her. So I should know that she has no life and this is not about her going out to find a life. This is about d. She said she has nothing to hide and she'd give me her phone password to prove it. Not sure why she'd think this.

W says I always turn things around to put blame on her. Says I do it all the time. Says that maybe my parents and friends will believe it but no one else will.
She said she thought I'd drag her into court and still does, during this 6 weeks to moving just to punish her and make her miserable. That she doesn't trust me, will never trust me bc of what I've done to her.

Finally, W tells me she knows more about the shady stuff than I know she knows. She says she knows that I've lied multiple times in the last few minutes about things. She gets agitated and smirks. She gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets more wine and sits down. I tell her “I'm sorry for anything I did in the past that makes you think I'd be capable of these shady things you're mentioning. I need to process all this and then we can talk about it. Let's talk towards the beginning of next week”. She quietly says ok and I get up and go to bed.

So now I guess I have direction. My W inserted some ambivalence, as always, but it's hard to believe anything other than she wants to push down the path to a split.

Just wanted to get an update up here.

[mvgfwd2]

Not surprised here. Maybe get a duplex to buy/rent or convert a house to a duplex. May be less stress on D. Not a great idea but it's an idea if she is determined to S.

[Tryin2figuritout]

LT,

Sorry to hear all that, but I'm hearing similar. It's all guilt transfer. It's all going to be about what you've done to cause this regardless of the truth.

My W keeps telling me and her family that I'm making her be the bad guy by wanting a D. I know we could get through this, but she's done and feels I'm forcing her hand.

Space may be good for y'all instead of sharing a place. She's obviously built up some "venom" over the years and needs to get rid of it. Space is easier for that.

Hope you have a great rest of the weekend.

All the best.

[lt0402]

Not surprised here. Maybe get a duplex to buy/rent or convert a house to a duplex. May be less stress on D. Not a great idea but it's an idea if she is determined to S.

Thanks MV. Not fully a surprise here, just still kind of weighing on me now that we are at this point. Is it bad that I don't want to live in the same apartment complex as my W? I really don't want to see her daily or be under any of her "control" anymore if we are S. I feel like living that close does that.

I guess I could do it for 3-6 months to allow D to transition. But even then I'd just like a clean. Real and not one of these gray area type splits. Thanks brother.

[Tryin2figuritout]

[quote=mvgfwd2]Is it bad that I don't want to live in the same apartment complex as my W? I really don't want to see her daily or be under any of her "control" anymore if we are S. I feel like living that close does that.

Not bad at all. In fact, it's probably healthy to be apart. My W and I are currently sharing an apartment that we stay at while our kids remain home. Space gives some clarity and you get to own every day for yourself.

My W has control issues and it's been very freeing to not be under it.

[lt0402]

LT,

Sorry to hear all that, but I'm hearing similar. It's all guilt transfer. It's all going to be about what you've done to cause this regardless of the truth.

My W keeps telling me and her family that I'm making her be the bad guy by wanting a D. I know we could get through this, but she's done and feels I'm forcing her hand.

Space may be good for y'all instead of sharing a place. She's obviously built up some "venom" over the years and needs to get rid of it. Space is easier for that.

Hope you have a great rest of the weekend.

All the best.

Tryin, yep, similar path to what I've tread over the past year. All you can do is keep a positive attitude and let the thing play out. Are you still in house with your W? If you are, I'm sorry bc that's tough. I imagine that once the space is there this thing is done. My W has an OM who was present at the start of this thing and I believe she's still talking to. With space comes open season on that thing for her and I'm probably not willing to be ok with that. So this split will probably be it for us.

So after that it comes down to communicating about D and that's it. I need to discuss with W how we handle our "family" vacation in July. Right now I'm thinking that I do half the week and w does the other half. Too hardcore? Thanks all!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Are you still in house with your W? If you are, I'm sorry bc that's tough. I imagine that once the space is there this thing is done.

Nope. We split a one-bedroom apartment that we stay at when we're not at home with the kids. It's to minimize the impact on the kids right now. I think I'm enjoying apartment time more than I should, but there's just no pressure. Lot's of time to heal, think and veg on Netflix.

I need to discuss with W how we handle our "family" vacation in July. Right now I'm thinking that I do half the week and w does the other half. Too hardcore? Thanks all!

I can circle back how mine goes. W leaves next weekend with kids and her family to the beach. We swap out on Wednesday when she comes back and I hit the beach with her family.

[lt0402]

Ok, so a fairly hectic weekend. Sunday we had 2 lengthy conversations.

The first one was after I overheard W talking with D about scheduling a dr's appointment on Monday. I asked that W let me know what time it was. She pushed back, saying that the dr's office was too small for all of us to fit in, etc. D was eating breakfast and W came over and asked me to step into the garage to discuss.

She says "you can't just demand to go to Ds appointments like that. I said I'm sorry you heard it that way but I asked could you please just let me know what time the appointment is. She said yes, but you would have just shown up and thought that was ok. Look, I don't hate you. I'm not angry with you anymore, I'm just sad. It's about what's best for her not what's best for us. I've let go of a lot of the controlling behavior I had. I don't want to be the primary care person anymore. Never once over the past ten years did you ever offer to do stuff like this or ask questions about it. There were times where she was really sick and you never even called to check on her. It's been ten years and I just can't do this anymore. I'm too sad. (She starts crying) We can't all physically fit in the doctors office. We can split all these appointments going forward but until we sit down with D, with a plan for how the split looks, we can't change things that have been in place for ten years. I don't know if you think this is some kind of advantage for you or what." I tell W that this is one of our problems. She is dictating to me how things will be. She says she is not dictating but it needs to be this way until we have a plan. She says you keep pushing things back and we can't tell all this to D until we have a plan. At this point we are both teared up. She says you should go back inside and eat your breakfast. She stays out there. When she comes back in I ask her if she's ok. She snaps back “of course I'm not”.

Additionally, she mentioned that we will have a cat and the cat will move back and forth bt our places.

That was in the morning. A little later in the day I sent her a message while I was out at the grocery store and she was dropping D off at a friends, asking to speak to her for 5 minutes. So we both meet back at the house. I spent this conversation listening and not speaking. Only validating.

Told her that the MC talk on Friday night had caught me off guard. She says what do you mean. And I say it surprised me. I tell her if there is any chance that we can stay together, if there is any way she sees we can be together, i'd like to hear how that would work. She says no, our R was done 4 years ago. We talk for about 40 minutes and she highlights our R was done when I told her to just deal with it when she told me she had post partem depression. she went into how in a R you are supposed to love, listen, and respect you partner and I've never had her back. Not with my family. Not in a group of friends. She talked about how with her dad dying and her brother and and her hanging out at the funeral home they realized how not normal their childhood had been. She sees D suffering through the same thing and does not want Dto end up like her, unfeeling, not wanting affection, etc. she says that by S we are removing all of this bad influence from D and giving her a chance to see what a real R is like.

She says that I have not changed over the past year. I've been nice to her the past 2 weeks but that's it. She says that I let anger drive me last summer and I threatened to take her child away from her. She says she never would threaten to take D away from me. She never has and never would because of how much that'd hurt her. She says she spent the past year here bc she was afraid I'd take her to court and forcibly take D away from her. She said she doesn't want to be the parents who won't talk to each other at the school play. We could have fixed this if we tried to years ago but it's been broken since before D was born. We haven't talked to each other in 5 years. We haven't communicated on anything. Normal couples do things together, go places together, etc. we never did that. There's no point in trying to fix something that doesn't exist anymore. We never had a real R to begin with.

She asks why I'd want to fix something that isn't there. I start to give an answer but she keeps going. She says she wants to get through the next few weeks with D and let her have an amazing summer. Please don't start any drama by coming in and trying to change things. She says she has let go of her anger over the past week. She's moved past it. She says she will work from home this summer and start to look for a job mid summer. Let D have the option of where she sleeps and who she sees each day. W doesn't care if that's me as long as D is happy. She says it's normal for a kid to want to do stuff with their mom. They are bonded together. We will get a cat and the cat can go back and forth with D bt our two places. D and I can go to the beach without W and have a great time. She tells me to just think about it. she didn't do this bc she hates me. She didn't do this to bring some other man up here. She realized a week ago on her birthday that she can't stop me from doing something mean. That I'd forced her into this situation the past year. If I'm going to do something mean to her now she's realized that's ok. But please don't do anything mean to d and realize how that'll turn d against me if I do it to w. This could be so easy. Please just think about it.

She says that she wasn't being shady in listing the house for sale. It just happened to work out this way. She's very happy that this is happening, but again it was a coincidence that the whole thing went down like this.

She says that after we S if I want D to be in IC then we can do that. If I think that her and I should see someone for MC after that then we can do that too. She says I'm sorry I talked the whole time. I've got to go to the store and get D.

As she's going, I tell her the reason I want to fight for this is bc I love her and I love our family. She says to me that She thinks now is a perfect time for meto step back and realize i don't know what that means before i get into another situation that's going to end the same way.

So, here we are. I'm starting to look at apartments. W told me the one she has lined up is in the school zone for D's middle school, but looking online it is not. She seems so ill prepared for this. So now i'll need to make the decision if I live "in her neighborhood" or put a little distance bt us. I think I'm leaning towards the distance piece as I can't envision seeing her with someone else in the future. Would be bad for my moving on from this. Plus I think it allows W to continue controlling me, though she has said she's given up on her anger and control issues.

Additionally, I'm wondering if W isn't rushing me to tell D so that she could possibly go out of town this weekend for the long weekend and see OM, or some other OM she's picked up since this thing started. Who knows. Lots of dark paths swarming through my brain today.

All I can control is me. So i'll push forward like W is not going to be around in the future. Find a fun place for D and I to live. Tell W that there's room for her there if she chooses that.

It [censored] having to assume that your W is playing you to get to some outcome she has predetermined, but right now I'd put that as a definite possibility.

[Tryin2figuritout]

LT,

That's a ton to process, but she definitely seems to have her mind made up. Keep the focus on you and your D.

Best of luck.