So... I don't know about you, but my recent break up with my guy has made me question a LOT about myself. Things like...
*what red flags did I miss? *what kind of self talk do I do to accept less than the best?
I think my self talk was fine - here was a guy who was ready and available for a relationship and treated me like a princess. Or at least that was how he presented. I certainly felt like I deserved to be treated like a princess, so I didn't question that part!
The red flags? He was awfully smooth, so they weren't all that easy to see, but in retrospect:
- a couple of suspicious events that he explained away. I'm probably not suspicious enough.
- the bigger red flag, which I ignored in my ex and in SEB, which I never should have ignored: a tendency towards dishonesty in little things. I'm a super honest girl scout type, and I guess I've just come to accept that not everyone sees things as black and white as I do. I'll never ignore it again though if I'm dating someone who tries to game the system in ANY way.
- and although it didn't play a direct role that I can see, SEB had OCD like my ex. I always thought at least it wasn't directed towards me the way ex's was, and I have kids with OCD. But next time I'm not going to date anyone with OCD, bad luck for me.
- and the elephant in the room - he's the first person I ever dated with an addiction history. He charmed me into believing he was so solid in his recovery, and seemed so great in other ways, that I accepted the inherent risk in his history. But now that I understand the very high statistical risk of sociopathy in someone with a history like his, I won't ever be so naive again.
What WOULD I like in a new guy? Not sure I even want one - I may become a Love Avoidant casual dater myself. But - it would be nice to have someone who treated me like SEB did and was HONEST. I liked being pampered for the first time in my life. I liked being with someone who spoke my love language of physical touch. SEB was smart but not intellectual; I did miss having someone to share books and movies with. I'd like any future guy to be someone I could share more intellectual things with.
Also any future guy has to have his financial house in order. Even though I didn't support SEB, his finances/spending habits/ other issues were a strain on me, took up more worry energy than I should have been expending. In fact, I realize none of the guys I dated since my divorce really had their act together financially. (Even the first guy, who owned a restaurant and seemed stable; a while after our breakup, a leak from his coffee machine flooded the shop below. He had let his insurance lapse and ended up losing his restaurant. )
So - I realize that even though I'm not financially supporting any of these guys, if they're not fiscally responsible I feel the anxiety in my own life. Any next guy needs to be a true adult where money is concerned.
