I've been through that stage, where I thought he wanted to change and I was going to help him. 12 years ago, he started working some. He was still involved with drugs, so I said stayed away from him for a year. During this time, he decided he would go in the army (He recently said he was actually court ordered, who knows). While he was there, I was busy GAL. I wanted to be healed and whole before he got back so I would not be tempted to get back with him. He would write me letters and I would not respond. As time went on, he would write me more and more about how he wanted to man up and be a dad to our son and provide him a stable, Christian home. I did not give him a chance initially, but shortly before he came home, I gave him a chance and we started over. Dating like we had just met and letting him prove himself. He got a job and got a technical degree. My parents did not want me with him, but after 2.5 years, I thought he was truly a changed man. I was getting ready to move 3.5 hours away to finish my degree (I had a scholarship), but since we weren't married, I didn't want him to move in with me. We began to make plans to marry, but he canceled at the last minute and I discovered he was talking to a girl I went to school with and was having relationships over the phone. Felt like the last 3 years of my life was down the drain. I prepared to move on my own, but he asked a day before I left if he could go with me to look for jobs so he could be closer to our son. I reluctantly agreed (sigh) and he was decent to me and we got married 7 months later. As soon as we married, literally within a month, he started his meanness (to my face rather than behind my back) and divorce talk. And it's been miserable for the most part since. I thought he was changed and was going somewhere with his life, but hindsight is 20/20 now. I honestly do not know why I put up with all this except I was convinced it was better for my son to have his real dad in his life (I felt so strong about this), I was embarrassed to be an unwed mother (even though there was another guy I dated who wanted to marry me and wanted to be my sons dad), and well, I had very strong love emotions toward him.
As far as my childhood is concerned, I realized something a year ago. My parents stuck together through thick and thin. They fought a lot, they wanted to leave each other, but they stayed for me and my sister. They were both very committed to raising us, even though my mom was emotionally abusive. My dad could be manipulative at times, but we were very close. He worked a lot, but he was there for us every single day and was very loving and supportive. My dad would reference this instance after I was born that my mom had post partum depression and he was so scared to go to work at night that he was afraid my mom might hurt me, but he knew that in our state, the courts side with the mom most of the time and he knew he would not be able to be in mine and my sisters life if he would have left her. So he stayed. I found out after he passed away, that my mom tried to smother me and my dad walked in on her. He would always say she was in the corner of a dark room with me and he was scared to death. He never told me she tried to kill me. Even since his death, my aunt on my moms side tells me that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. (She's not the one who told me what actually happened).
When I was in elementary school, my mom also had a mental breakdown that she accused my dad of horrible things (things that had happened to her as a child, but my dad did not do.) She was diagnosed with major depression and after a year of therapy and medication, she was able to get back to her regular moody, verbally abusive self. I really think these examples of sticking through no matter what, plus my mom moved out of the house right (to another home a mile away) after my sister turned 18, but my parents remained together, though living separate, until my dad passed away. My mom even stole money from my dad and he was angry and would not stand for it, but he didn't leave her.
As far as what is there to love, I suppose I feel like love is more of an action than a feeling, all though, somehow... I have strong emotional attachments to him.
