By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Wow it's been over a month since my last post. Sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes by.

I continue to move along on my journey and H remains stuck. Let's see, last post he was leaving on his business trip over his birthday. I had S call him with a Happy Birthday message. He returned from his trip with a cold and didn't seem to enjoy it as much as last year. S got him a gift but this year, nothing from me but a birthday hug once he was feeling better.

Other than that we remain no contact. Just pick up and drop off with S.

Oh, I did try to schedule another talk session, but he flaked.

I recognize certain patterns in myself. I go through spins of feeling we must do something about this, than other cycles of not thinking much about it. I continue to feel angry at H for all he has done, I am sure forgiveness will come in time, but I am still not there. I do remind myself that I give him power of my thoughts and do my best to just feel, then release. Sometimes I even allow a quick cry then feel better. I tend to push back my sadness of rejection from H and put up a tough front, most likely since I have done that my whole life having my dad absent from my life. So, I am working hard to let myself feel what I feel, a new honesty inside myself, it seems to help.

H also continues to play Mr. Nice. I used to think this meant he still cares, I now tend to think it's more out of guilt and looking good to others. A couple of weeks ago he came to pick up S for his weekend. I had plans and needed to go, he was relaxing on the couch, so I left asking them to lock up when they leave. H texted a bit later to let me know he did some repairs around the house. For me or to look good to my friends? Or because he saw the card on the counter for a handyman? Either way I was grateful and it saved me money. We got a few hundred dollars back from our tax refund, and I asked H if I could put it towards house upkeep, and he said sure.

Last weekend was Mothers Day. Which also fell on our 13th wedding anniversary. Of course many emotions surfaced for me. It was H weekend with S, but without my asking, brought S home a bit earlier on Sunday. That morning while I was alone, I pulled out the wedding album. I can't help but ask myself, was this real? Did he not ever love me? But as I looked through the album I was reminded that yes, he loved me and we had some good years and fun times. I truly loved this man with all my heart and believe he felt the same. So I accept people change, I definitely got the best of him and am so grateful for that and the son he gave me. I decided to leave it at that, put the album away and put the thoughts away of a fourth anniversary ignored, avoided and unmentioned.

I made S and H favorite, choc chip brownies. When they showed up, H empty handed of course, no surprise, I gave S brownies and thanked him for making me the proudest mommy in the world. I gave H a container of brownies and thanked him for giving me my son. H was surprised and gave me at least 3 bear hugs. S gave me a beautiful vase he made at school, and a very sweet card he made me with MIL help. She must have known her putz S would do nothing. I thanked her for that.

I talked about dating a few posts ago and have taken the step to open myself up to it! I have not met anyone I am interested in yet, but no rush, just exploring this new phase for me.

I again hear rumors that H is involved with drugs. I watch him, look for signs, check his pupils, but I don't see any sign of this at pick up or drop off. If he is, it must be on his own time. I may bring it up at some point, I kind of feel like I should, but I do think his work overwhelms him and plays a huge part of him becoming an a$$. I have mentioned that maybe this position at work may not be the best fit for him, but get typical PA response that he can handle it. He actually replied with a clip from Godfather 2 where the guy is yelling that he doesn't care what people think, he can handle it and deserves respect. Then he says, you know that is a joke, right? I said sure, or is it? It's his typical PA behavior. He takes my comment as a put down when in reality, I am just worried about him. Thing is, I will remain the one person in his life who calls him out and stays real with him. I think he needs it, and it's who I am.

So all in all, this is where I am at:

H and I are in VERY different places. Emotionally, mentally and mature wise. I truly believe it is best we are apart right now. For me and my son. I don't know what will happen, but I believe one day one of us will wake up and know what to do. In the meantime, I will live life and enjoy it. I continue to wonder why he hasn't divorced me yet, but today I still feel this is his mess to clean up.

Coming up is summer vacation! I booked a beachfront condo for S, dog and I. No invitation to H this time. I can't wait for my ocean therapy!

Hope all is well, I plan on checking in with some of you this weekend. Enjoy your weekend