Where to begin?

[25yearsmlc]

T = therapy? I didn't see it on the abbreviations list.

I agree, I'm not seeing much positive either and I'm still working on not being blinded by love or false promises and to see things for what they really are.

Trees,

I'm not a shrink, so I'm just speculating about things. But several comments you made have struck me as stuff you might want to look at in you. And since you are all you can control, that's where we all start.

10 years ago (11?) I came here with the idea that someone would show me how to change my h.

I didn't say it that way or even realize it, but that was really my goal. I didn't think I could or needed to work on ME

b/c h was the problem. In hindsight, of course he has issues and was not honest with me for much of the past decade (who knows about before then??)

his dishonesty and cognitive dissonance (in which I'm not even sure he knew he was distorting reality to fit his own narrative of being a victim)

and other stuff are what undermined our marriage. BUT I PLAYED A PART in all of this.

My children now tell me things they saw quite differently than I hoped. I thought they'd see my efforts as strong choices made by a committed partner. They say that at first they did,

But then they saw my boundaries crossed time & again and me not enforcing them.

That saw it not as strength, but as fear paralyzing me. There is more validity to their view than I care to admit.

I ignored huge red flags b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay.

Back to you...you talk of repeated betrayals and theft and cruelty early in the R, and then mention your love for him.

I have to ask, what's to love? And what was your childhood like?

Were there emotional deficits in it? Most childhoods had issues, to be clear. But sometimes big gaps in our emotional support can deeply affect us,

and Sometimes that makes it very hard for us to make boundaries and or to enforce them b/c we never saw that happen in our formative years.

You can break the cycle. History does not need to repeat itself.

I have seen people from very damaged backgrounds, make new paths for their own lives.

Then they model good strong family behavior for their children to see. And they create a new positive path for the following generations.


This is hard, I know. But it's not complicated. Your h & your m are not healthy for anyone.

Only YOU can change ^^ this. Do you see that?