Thanks for your insight! I updated my signature. I would have replied sooner, but are still on vacation so I have to find the right time.

Does he have a doctor he sees?

He refuses to get help. He says he doesn't need it. In the past, when I could get him to go, he would not stick with it. He's been told before he had anxiety and maybe depression and was prescribed Xanax and something else, Zoloft maybe, but he only took it for a short while. When we reconciled after one of the times he abandoned us, I told him he has to be evaluated at a behavioral health place. He did, and he was one point away from being put in inpatient, but they decided to let him go with the recommendation of outpatient treatment, which of course, he never would get.

So are you saying last time "he left" by going to jail, whereas this time he's just wanting out and acting horribly?

Maybe there is a pattern, but you don't see it b/c the jail altered it?

No, he went to jail after he already abandoned us. He up and left and I was devastated. Later while he was gone, I found out he was having an affair at work. He ended up getting fired, hanging out with a bad influence from his childhood (who he still keeps contact with off and on) and the guy is a known thief, and my husband was with him and went to jail for several days. He got out of jail and slept in his car for a while running around drinking and partying so I consulted with a lawyer. The lawyer told me that there was "no way in hades" he would get custody of our children. I contacted the woman he was having an affair with a couple times and she ended up leaving him alone so he came back around wanting to work things out with me so we reconciled. I think everytime he's done this, he's wanted out. He tells me he never wanted to get married or have kids.

okay so he says he wants a divorce, he's having an affair, he acts crazy and says really hurtful things. Sounds like YOUR needs are not being met by a long shot.

Are you okay with ^^ that?

How would being divorced be different or worse for you than this?

Is it all financial fears? (I'm not making light of that, but your h doesn't have a great job history from your post, and so you may be overlooking the possibly good financial impact that could happen from divorcing, IN TIME...)

My needs have not been met in a long time and I'm NOT okay with that! Honestly, I do not know how much more I can take. It's affecting my health physically as well.
I think my main concerns are financial and I guess in a way I'm scared of being alone because the intense emotional feelings and guilt I go through when we are separated is almost more than I can take.

Currently, my husband has a good job that is stable and pays well. There's always that lingering concern that he may mess up and lose his job, so I drive an older, smaller car because the last thing I want is a vehicle to be taken away from me and the children. I never finished my bachelors degree, I haven't worked in 9 years, I really do not know how well I could support the kids. I think my husband would pay child support for a while, but he's so unstable, he could get fired sometime and that would be that. So I think in a lot of ways, divorce would be better, but I would struggle to support the children. I also am torn between him not being good for the children, to them being hurt he's gone. They do not understand how he is, I've been careful to hide and cover all this from the children, which is exhausting in itself.

are you getting any counseling for you? This^^^ is a lot of drama for your kids to witness and it cannot be okay for you. Or your h, come to think of it.

I just started counseling (one session so far) before vacation. Our insurance somehow recently got cut off, so I will be paying cash each week, but I've wanted this for so long. I'm glad I finally bit the bullet and started counseling. My husband refuses to go. I hide most of it from the kids, we've only started to bicker some in front of the kids. For years, I always made sure we took it outside. Kids are smart, but I would never tell them the things he was doing or that he was in jail.

What if there had been a fire or drowning in the bathtub? Trees, what are you waiting to have happen before you say "enough"?

I mean, what would it take for you to think it's better for you to be apart?


I have no idea. I never in a million years thought I would let things go this far. I always thought I would leave someone if they cheated on me. I used to be so convinced that staying with him was better for the kids, but I think otherwise now even though sometimes I feel guilty. He plays a lot of mind games with me. He told me a couple days ago that he was been acting out and pushing me trying to get me to the point to want a divorce like he does, so I will divorce him. I do not know why he does not just divorce me, but I guess that's a good thing. I plan on seeing a lawyer soon.

So you cannot remain with him as he is... None of your options are painless and that is hard to hear, but it's also the reality for most people on this site.

Thank you. I figured that, but I really needed to hear it.

I understand your attachment. Please notice my length of marriage...We began dating when I was 19...so I really do get it.

Seems Your life is taking an unwanted turn. I think you being 30 y/o and being rudely awakened, is tough.

But from where I sit it is a lot better than waking up at age 40 or 50 or 57...and realizing that you have spent a lot of years in a marriage that did not improve much, for long, and that you are now older...

Another regret I have is that I did not model a healthy m for my kids AND I let my fears of being divorced stall me.

I also kept seeing things in the marriage (after our reconciliation in 2007) that validated my choice to stay, instead of really digging in deep to address the underlying issues


You have said what I've thought many times and even have told my husband. I don't want to wake up in another 15, 20, 30 years and regret I did not leave before. Whenever I get close to leaving now even, my stomach gets in knots thinking how did I let it get this far.
Did your marriage go well those ten years before he went to Alaska again? I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I see you have filed. How is that going? I will look for your posts.
Alaska has been a nightmare in a lot of ways for me. My sister lives up there, and my dad went to visit the summer of 2015 and decided to visit through Christmas. He started to feel sick in November and found out he had cancer that had spread massively so I booked a ticket and left in less than 48 hours, and my daddy passed away 2 hours before I got there. The doctor had given him 6 months to live 2 days before that. I was (and still am!!) a complete wreck, and I found out my husband wanted a divorce once again a month later and was involved in another affair that began the month after all this took place!