I appreciate all of this input, it has been very helpful. I need to spend some time digesting it.
Are you sure you're not a psychiatrist?
Thank you again.
Actually I'm a lawyer (but a nice person!) I've read a ton of books on relationship issues, for obvious reasons. And posted & read here for a long long time.
And gotten counseling and had a good therapist and a great DB coach 10 years ago.
You tend to learn when you open your heart and mind to a new way.
If you are interested, there is a marriage retreat called "Retrovaille" that helps a lot of couples. But it is for couples, so we can't always get our spouse to go.
An individual workshop in Philadelphia called "Essential Experience" is super helpful for people who want personal growth/insight and for sure helps in all their r's. I know it was very profound for me.
Retreats and personal growth workshops CAN be more "efficient" than weekly therapy at times b/c you might make a breakthrough in therapy but then have to return to work or pick up the baby, etc.
Gets fragmented, whereas the workshops/retreats lead to action plans and change IF IF IF you keep at it.
You cannot change your life with one insight if there is no follow up. But that follow up and "Work" is needed for all our r's.
there is such a great pay off.
I loved my h very much for a very long time. I wish we had addressed his underlying issues 10 years ago, but we did not. He repeated the same behavior,
And here I am. We have to do the work. It's so worth it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know it's been a few days, and I have more to write, but here are some responses.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
And can you tell us what you think HER life is like when you come home?
I certainly gave her a break as she needed with our son. I did my best to do as many chores as possible so that she didn't have to do them. I did all the grocery shopping so she didn't have to try to do it with our son. I did most of the cooking for a period of time. Every night I made sure the dishwasher was run and the coffee set up for the next day. I'm not saying I did everything and anything, but I made an effort to do a lot to ease the burden for her. But what I have missed on was doing the other stuff, leading the family in other ways: what we were doing on weekends, what was next for our family, our relationship, etc.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Sometimes being "too passive" is code for saying you let your wife do all the heavy lifting in the M.
Yes, this is true. I am in therapy, and have come to better understand why I let this happen and have been working on it as much as possible. It's difficult to work on it with her while we are now separated and she keeps talking about meeting with mediators.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Because disclosure builds intimacy.
Yes, this makes so much sense. One issue my wife recently complained to me about was my communication. I hold so much in, and it drives her nuts. It has driven us here. I hold it in because I fear exposing my authentic self because it feels so dangerous, and I don't know what will happen when I do. In therapy and the work I have done I have come to realize how it all started in my childhood and I'm doing my best to fix it, but again it is so hard to reveal myself to her when she is rejecting me in the ultimate way right now. But I do know I have to find a way.
In my therapy recently I have come to realize that I am suffering from depression myself and probably have been most of my life. I started taking Lexapro almost 3 weeks ago and feel a fog has lifted. I am have more energy, less negative self thoughts, and am so much more in touch with my emotions, which can be difficult.
And with my treatment I know I will survive whatever happens, but I still feel so much regret for what could have been. I try not to think about that too much because it doesn't help, but I now know I am capable of so much more and only wish I had the 2nd chance to show my wife.
Another issue with my marriage that I haven't addressed here yet, and it was probably because of shame is that our sexual intimacy has been lacking for many months. When my wife had her post partum breakdown to me, she asked me to initiate more, be more aggressive sexually and take the lead. Once I started working on this she shut down on me. For a period she stopped saying "I love you", showed no affection, and barely showed that she loved me in anyway. She eventually told me that she was dealing with issues related to a sexual assault from years ago that were triggered by child birth and asked if we took sex off the table for a time. Which we did. After several months, we talked about starting to have sex again and that is when everything that was going good, quickly turned bad. She told me she had no desire to have sex with me. And she told me that because of her assault, she wasn't capable of trying because it felt like a forced situation where she wasn't in control. And a few weeks after this is when she asked me to move out.
So I think something I need to work on here, is showing my wife a different side of myself that she finds sexually attractive. I'm not yet sure how to do that with our limited interactions. It's tough. The only real option I have is talking about it in our marriage counseling.
I keep hoping my wife will change her mind. I keep seeing good interactions as a sign she will change her mind. And then she says something about a divorce and it crushes me. It's not healthy for me.
And then I remember that actions are more important than words, and I look at her actions and wonder: why is she still going to marriage therapy with me? she has spoken about meeting with a mediator on several occasions but hasn't set it up yet, why?
I cannot stop analyzing everything but I know that I need to for my own health. I know I need to detach, but what she wants/wanted from me is better, more intimate communication and I don't know how to detach and communicate at this level.
Now I'm confused. You first said you were analyzing her words and now you are concerned about your own communication to her. These are separate issues. Stop analyzing her words and when she initiates contact with you, communicate better with her. Easier said than done (trust me I know).
