Where to begin?

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I feel like I'm married to a psychopath. He even agrees he is. It fits him to a T.

Does he have a doctor he sees?


He wants a divorce. He's given me the ILYBINILWY speech once again. This time though, he's hasn't left. He has abandoned us before (4 years ago), when the kids were babies. That time he went to jail for theft and was in over Christmas.

So are you saying last time "he left" by going to jail, whereas this time he's just wanting out and acting horribly?

Maybe there is a pattern, but you don't see it b/c the jail altered it?


Turned out he was having an affair, and he says he's still has feelings for this person to this day. He said he felt something with her he has never felt for me. Right now he's in an Internet relationship. This is the first time I didn't tell him I knew as soon as I did.

okay so he says he wants a divorce, he's having an affair, he acts crazy and says really hurtful things. Sounds like YOUR needs are not being met by a long shot.

Are you okay with ^^ that?

How would being divorced be different or worse for you than this?

Is it all financial fears? (I'm not making light of that, but your h doesn't have a great job history from your post, and so you may be overlooking the possibly good financial impact that could happen from divorcing, IN TIME...)



We are supposively getting a divorce the "right way" this time (instead of him leaving me a SAHM and penniless and him getting fired or laid off from another job). We are actually on vacation right now and I had to call the police on him last night. (He has ups and downs, he will go months of being fairly 'normal' to him acting out).


are you getting any counseling for you? This^^^ is a lot of drama for your kids to witness and it cannot be okay for you. Or your h, come to think of it.


Last night, he would not give me the key cards to our hotel room (the kids were inside) and he threw our debit card out into the courtyard (turns out it wasn't the debit card but I did not find this out until talking with an officer). He also kept telling me to kill myself, even pointing where my head should land so I would be successful. So I'm just at a loss.

What if there had been a fire or drowning in the bathtub? Trees, what are you waiting to have happen before you say "enough"?

I mean, what would it take for you to think it's better for you to be apart?

I've pointing out most of his bad qualities in the post, he doesn't want to be married to me, never had he says and I love him very much but I do not want his instabilities to hurt our children.

So you cannot remain with him as he is... None of your options are painless and that is hard to hear, but it's also the reality for most people on this site.

I've been with him half my life, since we were 15. (I'm 30 now, married for 7 years). This is all very general, I could say much more specific instances of cheating, him 'winning' me back. It just shocks me this is my life. I just want love and to feel safe.

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I understand your attachment. Please notice my length of marriage...We began dating when I was 19...so I really do get it.

Seems Your life is taking an unwanted turn. I think you being 30 y/o and being rudely awakened, is tough.

But from where I sit it is a lot better than waking up at age 40 or 50 or 57...and realizing that you have spent a lot of years in a marriage that did not improve much, for long, and that you are now older...

Another regret I have is that I did not model a healthy m for my kids AND I let my fears of being divorced stall me.

I also kept seeing things in the marriage (after our reconciliation in 2007) that validated my choice to stay, instead of really digging in deep to address the underlying issues

or ending the m back then.



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I need help!!

Trees,

I am so sorry you are going thru this. If you check people's signature blocks it helps a lot to include your kids ages, your h's age, and length of marriage. (I know you did include some of that in the post, but it's easy to see in later posts when you may not mention it otherwise.)

Anyhow, you need to see a lawyer b/c - for a lot of reasons. Mainly to protect your kids and yourself.

Sounds like Your h is not stable, he's not well, he's not safe and he's not good for you. OR the kids. I'm not saying this is easy - at all. But this is also not complicated.

Perhaps if you leave him he might change his ways, but staying with him sounds really dangerous & unhealthy to several of you.

What is it that you fear most, about leaving?

(*Understand that leaving does not mean the entire marriage ends, forever, but the way you are going right now is clearly not working, would you agree? So a different approach is called for).

And do you have family support around nearby?

Finally, please read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy b/c those books form the basis of this approach. So much more of what we say will make sense.

We are pro marriage here, but not at all costs.

Keep posting b/c you'll start to get more responses.

And hang in there.