I can't fight this woman. I'm going to go out of town to visit my parents. I'm emotionally drained. I have no more gas in the tank. She refuses to see anything she is doing is wrong.
She just brought her uncle to my house so she could collect some of her and my son's things, as he got in my face because she told him that she was scared I was going to hurt her. I've never laid hands on my wife in our entire marriage. She told him I threw her out of the house, even though she is the one that moved out.
You need to start wearing a voice activated recorder at ALL times! This is a common theme by WWs, they will try to paint the LBS as a monster and even report false allegations of abuse. Please, please, please detach and realize she is wayward. Protect yourself and your kids, also document today's occurrence.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I don't think you should have a sit down with OM's W. Things are quickly turning south and you see what your W is capable of doing. Apparently, she is telling OM lies about you, which as Sara said, is not uncommon in a WW.
Protect your finances ASAP. Get legal advice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
downhub, oh man, I am really sorry to read this. I am sure you do feel (today) that things are passed saving. Things are quickly spiraling out of control, and that is especially hard to handle with a broken heart! I just want to tell you to try and not think too far ahead. Your sitch is still very early. Some of us are several years ahead of you (some even more) and we can tell you first hand that people do change (for better, for worse, and sometimes back and forth). You are just in the thick of the hard part right now.
Sara brought up a well documented phenomena that most people don't know about. I had someone close to me that is very involved in her adoption support groups and knows several people that have rekindled relationships with family in adult years, that quickly turned to romance. I know it's hard to understand and she continues to call him her "uncle." Honestly though, everything you are describing IS the definition of an affair (if it's not already a PA it will be soon). Unfortunately, as you are learning, you really can't control her. The more you can step away and go dark, the better.
Please, please take Sandi's and Sara's advice. I am concerned that she is trying to manipulate you and trying to gather evidence against you. Give her nothing and don't take her bait. Don't initiate any contact at all, unless you have to communicate about your son. I wouldn't even speak with her in person or on the phone right now if you can avoid it. Simply email in a very concise and respectful tone about exchanging your son and his needs only. Do simple and kind exchanges with her and then leave as fast as you can. This also keeps her wondering and she loses control over you.
Getting legal advice can be scary and feel closer to the end. This is really not the case. If you can separate your legal/financial situation from your emotions right now, that is key. You don't have to retain a L or start any action. Simply get some advice and empower yourself and know your rights. There are many good family practice lawyers that will give you a free consultation. Try and see a couple and go in with all of your specific questions written down. I never got D, but am so glad I had done this and knew where I stood.
Lastly, I hope you are getting some support for yourself. If you can, find an IC for yourself. Lean on your trusted people right now. Make some fun plans to get your mind off of this. It's very stressful and painful when this happens. I know there is a very big family, and you are close to her family, I would be careful not to share any details with them. It will only make things more complicated and her family (as crazy as it sounds) may take her side. These sitches get ugly fast. In terms of OMs W? Well if she doesn't already know, she will VERY SOON. My guess, is she will not tolerate this much longer. So take a step back and remove yourself from all of them. Your W doesn't deserve to know what you feel and think right now, and the less she does, the less she can try and blame you.
Hang in there buddy. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Opps, let me clarify. No, don't move out of your bedroom or home--everyone here makes it very clear that is a bad idea!
He has talked a lot about her family, extended family, and even spending time with OM and his W. A cousin even drove down and confronted his W. I think there are a lot of people involved in this sitch and talking. The more everyone talks, the more divisive this becomes for all.
I was suggesting that he only share his feelings and plans with a few safe people, and not this extended family, and especially not her family. I think all of that will create more chaos and eventually backfire. I also think he should not spend any time with her, OM, or OMs W.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks folks. I'm consulting with a lawyer this afternoon (I will not file, but I need to know what things I can do to protect myself financially since she is now being vindictive with money). I will also talk to them about splitting up the car and our son.
I know it sounds crazy, but not a single member of my wife's family agrees with her and they have actually agreed to testify in my defense if it turns into a custody battle. My MIL is trying to convince my wife to come and stay with them for an extended period of time, both to try to get her out from her uncle's influence and to see if she can get her to listen to reason. I'm not sharing too many details with them but they are 100% supportive.
My family is a great support, and I will be trying to see if I can convince my wife to let me take my son up there, even just for a week, to both get away from the situation and to give us some room apart.
My wife came over, and I dropped her back off at her uncle's house this morning, I'm keeping the car and our son today and tomorrow. We didn't talk much, and haven't talked since. I'm crushed that she turned into the exact opposite of anything she ever was before.
I'm not taking any bait, even when her uncle got in my face and pushed me I didn't even raise a hand because I knew that if I did it would reflect badly for me.
And yes I agree, I'm spending no time with my wife, OM or OM's W, nor am I spending time with her family (extended or otherwise) or sharing my plans with them. I'm not moving out at all. There are a lot of people involved in this sitch, and while my wife blames me for every person involved the truth is that I'm not spreading the news to every person who will listen, but they are coming to me. I try to be judicious with the news I share, and I know the people that will tell her everything I say and the people who will be more discrete.
My wife is angry anyone (even my family) talks to me because she wants to keep this whole thing as hidden as possible.
