25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[Accuray]

And I've known people who like to just 'wink" and "flirt" but say nothing real to anyone, and never meet anyone.

Yes I saw that video online about Millenials and the fact that people get addicted to getting "likes" on Facebook, Instagram, etc. so they check it compulsively and get a little endorphin hit when they get acknowledged. I think the online flirting is a similar thing where it's all about the endorphin hit of being acknowledged and that's really all some people need.

it scares me from a petite woman standpoint. How can I rule out serial killers?

You can't, but really what's the likelihood of that? Isn't that akin to worrying about being struck by lightening? What you give up in your life in exchange for that perceived bit of safety doesn't seem worth it to me. I have a woman I'm friends with who won't date *anyone* just for that reason, she's afraid that she'll be attacked physically. As a result she lives in a state of loneliness and complains about it.

If you stick to talking to people (via voice) before you meet in person, then meeting in a public place, and having faith in your "radar" to know when something is off you'll be fine. I had a scenario where a woman invited me to come to her house in the woods at 10:00 at night for a first meeting -- um, no thank you. It's easy to avoid stuff that obviously feels wrong.

I'm sure I need more definite clear parameters but I'm not yet sure of all of them. Besides I have SOME but hey, who will admit that they "like to lie sometimes"? Also, who says they're "Not big on loyalty"??

I think we all like "Fine dining and walks on the beach"...AND honesty and loyalty and humor...

Mainly I probably need to watch out for red flags.

Well one of the gifts of going through DB is you really know what to watch out for and you're far less likely to make excuses for someone's shortcomings. More importantly, you know more about yourself and what's important to you. I guarantee you that if you meet someone who tells you he would put the wheat on a high shelf so his ex couldn't reach it you'll run screaming no matter how good he seems otherwise. You are MUCH more aware of who you are and what you need than you were when you were in your early 20's, and that's a huge difference.

Your example about the guy who is discussing annulment before you've even agreed to go on a date. (Backs away slowly and limits eye contact) You knew right away that was a non-starter.

absolutely. Because in the end, regardless of who filed, I feel like the LBSer and I know that h chose a PLACE and "adventure" over our marriage and family and it only "helps" a little to know he did the same thing 10 years ago.

It also hurts like crazy to know he did the same thing 10 years ago. Like he learned nothing - which must mean I was not "good enough" in some way - for him to stay with me.

Plus he announced on FB - which he rarely used before the sep - that he is with the "Love of his life" now. Wow...and that was the same month we sep.

Yeah, I know it was an affair (it's actually more insane if he didn't have an affair and announced the "love of his life" within a month). But who does that?

And heck yes it hurt deeply. Mortifying. Huge blow to the ego.

Of course it hurts, it's awful. That's part of the journey. Just remember that it says a lot more about him than it does about you. A lot of it may not be about you at all. I went to a talk recently where the speaker was talking about the fact that "there are things that happen" which are just facts, and then there's the "story we tell ourselves about what happened", and we confuse the story with the facts, and that does us such harm!

For instance, when you say he chose a place and adventure "over your marriage", that's a story you're telling yourself. You don't know that he compared one against the other, or put any conscious thought at all into an "either/or" decision. Sometimes people do things without thinking about them at all, or ignore the consequences, or think it's all going to work out positively for them regardless of what they do. To say that he "chose a place and adventure over your marriage" puts his actions into a context that he made a conscious and measured decision to choose A instead of B while in all reality, he just did A without thinking about B, or what A meant for the future of B, do you see what I'm saying? We all have a tendency to insert ourselves into someone else's decision landscape when we may not have been there at all.

There are his actions and his Facebook posts, and then there is the personal meaning that you attach to them, in terms of how it reflects on you. Some of that if fact, and some is a story you're telling yourself that's not adding any value.

All that said, yes it is hurtful and mortifying and terrible and awful, and you should give yourself permission to feel every bit of that. You will need to in order to move beyond it.

let me know about any red flags I should look for please! Did you meet your new flame online?

I don't know what else to call her, but I kind of like "new flame"...

I guess the only advice I can give you is to "cut bait early" if you know something is not what you want. It's very easy to agree to a second date when put on the spot at the end of a first date, and even easier to agree to a third date at the end of a second. After three dates, it's far more painful and awkward to break things off than it would have been after one date when it's obviously less personal because you don't know them as well. Practice your polite "no thank you" speech in advance.

Yes I did meet "new flame" online, although after two years it doesn't feel that new! It's great to be in a new relationship but even better to be able to draw upon the learnings of what I could have done better last time around and not make the same mistakes again! All relationships are challenging and require lots of care and feeding. For me, I'm okay being alone, in some cases I prefer it, but it's also wonderful to be with someone who shares your hobbies and interests and is just generally a great companion.

Acc