First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Not that this will come as a surprise to anyone on here (LOL), but I believe the hardest, hardest part of DB is to not read anything, positive OR negative, into every little thing. And if you do, it sets up expectations, which inevitably lead to disappointment which can be disguised as rejection. Vicious cycle. This is easy to internalize with the intention of avoiding it, in your head, but so much harder to convince your heart.
Between now and H's visit next week, I must focus on having NO EXPECTATIONS about this time together.
Another small issue that must be brought under control is my sudden need to eat away my feelings and anxiety. As in, eat everything in the house. Which leads to not only feeling sick physically, but feeling yucky about myself. I've been slack with exercise too, which doesn't help AT ALL. I wish I was one of the ones who says, "I just can't eat since BD, and have dropped XXX pounds." This would have been a great opportunity to use this time to tighten everything up and at least make this body a better one.... but alas, that does not seem to be my mode of stress. Mine is to eat. Wonder if I should do some type of body cleanse for a few days??? I've got to get off this food train that I've suddenly jumped on. Yesterday I did Meals on Wheels, and with all the sad situations I saw on my route, you'd think it would have waked me up. (Also, side story- I haven't been doing this long, so I'm learning from my mistakes. I did not look carefully enough at my route, and did not mark names off as I dropped the meals off, so since one lady was not at home, I had an extra meal at the last house. I'd been instructed if that happened to use my discretion and just give the extra meal to anyone I felt might need it (which IMO they all could have used it). When I got to the last house, low and behold I had not one, but TWO extra meals left. So I lovingly gave the man his, plus the two left over, and did not stop to really think, NOW WHY DO I HAVE TWO LEFT? As I drove toward home, it hit me to pull over and re-check my list. Sure enough, there was an address that I did not remember going to. I had skipped it. So I did the only thing I knew to do- I went to a fast food place and got the best meal they had, with dessert, and took it to the left out house. Since it was in the fast food bag, I confessed and apologized. I think no harm done- she seemed thrilled (except there was no newspaper which we put in all the meals- I forgot to replace that part!) Another lesson learned.
Sigh.
As I've said here before, in many ways this was easier when things were completely dark. At least then, I knew.
Happy Friday, everyone!