I saw my IC yesterday and absolutely bawled my eyes out and told her how much pain I am in. She was not surprised, she knew with this one it was going to happen. Of coursed she assured me this pain is temporary.
We talked a lot about his decision open and honestly. She said if he was sitting in front of his therapist and he expressed his desire for kids in his time frame and not sure about being a stepfather, his therapist would tell him to go for what he truly desires else he will regret it. I know this. I never want to be the source of anyone's regrets. or someone or a situation that is settled for.
Then we spoke about his parents. We are pretty sure they had a voice in this. I know Don had mentioned it, my friend has mentioned it and I believe it true. They don't know me from a hole a in the wall. They do know when their son was 26 he moved in with a 40 something year old and her kid, surely giving up any grandkids he might offer them due to her age. They watched their son not build a life of his own and give up a dream of a family. I could imagine watching him do that yet again made them say something. Now, as a parent, while I want my child to be happy in whatever she choses, I would not want my child to walk this path unless they were sure they didn't want kids and the such. He and his mom had a very deep talk he told me about a week and a half before we broke up. he didn't give me the details he said they had deep conversations. I could imagine I was included. He went from wanting me to meet them to not mentioning it or avoiding the topic at one point. And not at a time anything was changing in our R. I think they didn't have the best things to say about me and my situation.
What this boils down to is it is very unfortunate but could be no other way. it is painful, and she believes for the both of us, but it is what has to be done. She thinks he really tried to be ok with this situation because when he broke up with me he said "I have very strong feelings for you, which is why this decision is so hard to make" I don't think he is sitting there happy as a clam. I think he might be hurting over this too.
It is just an awfully uncontrollable sad situation. It's so hard because there is literally nothing I can do about it. I can't change anything about this situation.
We also discussed how this hurts even more in different ways than bomb drop. She knows I was not treated well at all by my ex. That was loss of my vows and my family. This was a loss of someone who was good to me, who respected me, I wasn't trying to get him to love me without reciprocation. He was the first guy who truly cared about me, about us. It's a hard loss after the sh!t I had gotten from men.
So Wii, that kind of answers your question. This guy was way different than all the others. Us as a couple was different than all the others. What could I change going forward? Maybe not choosing someone with so many obstacles. Not that I "chose" him. We chose eachother. He chose me, actually. But I need to stop moving forward with someone where we have such serious obstacles. It was usually distance. neither of us realized this time how big of a deal it was for both of us.
Last night I brought D9 and her BFF to a carnival. It was the one he wanted to bring me and D9 to. I was afraid he would be there but he wasn't. It was just me and them and I had pretty much no one to talk to and I am off social media, so no phone entertainment. So I people watched. I watched couples with babies. And as much as my desire was always there for another child, I realize my daughter is going into middle school. I just don't think I could do this 3 years from now. A year from now maybe, not 3 years from now. I also finally caught myself truly smiling watching D9 and her BFF having the time of their life on a ride. My heart got very warm. It's still in there. Her BFF also convinced her to get on a ride that is actually FF favorite ride as a kid but I told him D9 would never get on it. he said he would get her on it. Well, her BFF did and she loved it. I wanted to share it with him, it was painful that I couldn't, but it is what it is.
So at the conclusion of another long winded-journaled post, I am still sad, but the rejection portion has lessened. It's not a rejection of me. I do believe he is hurting and this wasn't easy. I really do hope one day we could be friends. He always said most people couldn't handle him, but I could and I got him. And it's true. It was a great friendship. I forgive him for not being more careful realizing he doesn't want to be a stepfather. We all try to talk ourselves into things just like I did. I'm glad he was honest with me eventually and honest with himself.
