As for fear of rejection - which we all have - just a couple remarks.
Sometimes fear that disclosure or admission of fault, will lead to rejection, pretty much leads someone to keeping secrets. And let's face it, secrets are the same thing as being dishonest. It usually starts with small things, b/c you don't want to tell your wife you got another speeding ticket or you are late from work b/c you delayed leaving work for a lousy reason,(like the traffic was NOT actually bad)
so you just lied. Why did you lie? B/c you wanted to avoid conflict (which very few people enjoys and most people want to avoid). AND you wanted to avoid the consequences of the truth, which were her disappointment or anger. The thing is, admissions and apologies -when done authentically are often bonding.
Hypothetically -
you could just confess that you were speeding - to get home faster, or b/c you were distracted and you apologize b/c you know the insurance costs will go up, etc
OR you dropped the ball coming home late, b/c you went too long at lunch and or you didn't get the work done that was due that day. You apologize for not getting there soon enough b/c you value time with her or don't want her to worry...and you don't want her to see that as a lack of appreciation for what she does b/c you Do appreciate it - so now you've turned an apology into an expression of love for her...etc.
I used to think my h made way too much of the difficulty of an apology - to the point where he rarely gave one. It's not as if I ever jumped down his throat for anything. So why the reluctance?
B/c my h and many people feel that if they admit a mistake or any type of "failure" then they will be rejected. As if the "Truth" were known that they had erred, someone would decide they were not worthy of love, possibly deserving abandonment. OR at least not seen as the nice guys they want to be seen as.
In my h's case, that problem did not come from me, it came from inside h. It was very destructive to our m and to his r's with our children.
It's a deep issue for people that can harm, limit or end important relationships in their life.
A real life example you may derive a lesson from - My older brother & sister work together.
Older bro make a fairly big mistake recently, which really hurt sister's feelings.
Objectively speaking, he was simply in the wrong, and didn't realize it till she told him privately that 1) he made a mistake about her & her kids and 2) how hurtful it was.
Instead of him simply saying he was sorry AND that he would make it right (which I'm truly positive would have ended the matter)
He hemmed and hawed! Then a week later, acted as if it had not happened. Like he had not made the mistake at all....(which was now, a lie)
That made my sister insane. There was tension at the job for both of them. So she finally cornered him at work and explained how his "Conflict avoidance" had made things so much worse than simply facing it as soon as he was made aware.
The mistake could have been a small matter, and handling it maturely probably would have solidified or improved their r! Instead, his "avoidance" was adolescent, and his shame issues ultimately caused him to be dishonest, in reality. Mind you, this didn't start as that big a deal.
Jason, you may find Brene Brown's books and TED Talks about shame's destructive effects and the need for vulnerability useful.
Fear of rejection (or Shame) can lead to having secrets. Secrets undermine trust & prevent full disclosure.
Why does "full disclosure" of our feelings matter so much? Aside from your wife asking for it, it's Because disclosure builds intimacy.
Please take ^^that in. Truly important.
Dig deep. It's brave work.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
