25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Yes with that additional information I agree with you! Those are all bad signs, and that's really the benefit you have from life experience is to stay away from that.

I read somewhere that men remarry faster than women, regardless of who ended their previous m. Is it possible men have more trouble being alone in general? I'm asking.

That's a great question! I have pondered that myself.-

I also read that one of the typical differences between men and women is that men feel soothed just by having their spouse in the same space/house even if they don't interact at all, whereas women need interaction to take value from the relationship, and cohabitating without interaction is a source of anxiety.


yes to my end of it. If theres no touch or talk, I'd have to know we "chose" just to watch something together. Otherwise, puttering around in different roomsms would probably make me wonder what was happening. Interesting

My "world view" has been changed by my divorce in several ways. One of them is that I attach less validity to stereotypical gender differences than I used to -- I've just found that we're all just "people" at the root of it and whereas some challenges seem to be more associated with one gender or the other there seem to be an equal number of exceptions.

I hope so. A bit tired of hearing about Men are from Mars/Women, Venus. Seems dismissive..and yet of course I know there are real differences too

For instance, my exW had very low sex drive, and some of my married friends have complained that their wives don't want to have sex frequently enough, so I formed this belief that married men want more sex than married women and are typically frustrated. Therefore, I didn't consider my situation to be outside of the norm.

Since being divorced and doing a bit of dating, I've met an equal number of women who had higher sex drives than their former partners and it was an equal source of angst. One woman I went to college with said her H would only have sex with her once a year and she had to beg for that to happen. So much for my prior belief!

Someone close to me has a similar problem with her live in bf.

Now that i'm here on DB, I cannot believe she'd put up with it! I mean, there are no kids, no m, and its been 6 years of a "Dealbreaker"! Move on...but she's someone most afraid of being alone. I mean, I guess.
-

The other observation I've had is that people coming out of long term marriages, particularly LBS's, begin dating with some fairly common challenges.

For one, they were generally resigned to spending the rest of their life with a single person, and when they suddenly get immersed into the dating scene with so many options and so little friction (with all the apps, meetups, and dating sites) they can go a little off the deep end.

When I was last dating in my 20's, it was difficult -- you didn't know who was single, you didn't know who might be interested in you without a "high risk" proposition of some point, and the pool of people you were exposed to was pretty limited. The challenge was "settling" for someone who wasn't ideal because you'd get fatigue from the search.

Now, there's virtually no friction in finding someone to date and identifying who's available, and you can reach out to people with very little risk via e-dating. This creates a much bigger pool to draw from with little rejection risk, so the challenge I read about today is the "unicorn problem" where people get addicted to the hunt, and the velocity, and convince themselves there is always someone better for them around the next corner, so they never settle.

This ^^ makes sense to me (not in a great way). But I can see this happening.

And I've known people who like to just 'wink" and "flirt" but say nothing real to anyone, and never meet anyone. (I have not agreed to meet anyone b/c I know I'm not ready for ML and so that stops me...so far) and btw,

it scares me from a petite woman standpoint. How can I rule out serial killers?

Just saying...

This can look like a veritable buffet of choices to someone recently divorced who may be tempted to overdue dating many people at once or being indiscriminate about who they reach out to.

YES - I can see this^^ happening for sure.

I'm sure I need more definite clear parameters but I'm not yet sure of all of them. Besides I have SOME but hey, who will admit that they "like to lie sometimes"? Also, who says they're "Not big on loyalty"??

I think we all like "Fine dining and walks on the beach"...AND honesty and loyalty and humor...

Mainly I probably need to watch out for red flags.

Secondly I see LBS's leaving long term relationships pretty beaten down and feeling undesireable.


absolutely. Because in the end, regardless of who filed, I feel like the LBSer and I know that h chose a PLACE and "adventure" over our marriage and family and it only "helps" a little to know he did the same thing 10 years ago.

It also hurts like crazy to know he did the same thing 10 years ago. Like he learned nothing - which must mean I was not "good enough" in some way - for him to stay with me.

Plus he announced on FB - which he rarely used before the sep - that he is with the "Love of his life" now. Wow...and that was the same month we sep.

Yeah, I know it was an affair (it's actually more insane if he didn't have an affair and announced the "love of his life" within a month). But who does that?

And heck yes it hurt deeply. Mortifying. Huge blow to the ego.



Therefore, the first interest they get from someone new can be like crack cocaine and to your point, they can come across as extremely needy and overeager to rush into something because they no longer have to feel alone and undesireable.

Yes ^^^ , I get that. And I think it's why I'm SO careful about dating and not "jumping in".

I don't want to attract weird guys only but I have not really done the online dating thing yet.

in my case it was "S" and another guy from high school who came on very strong as soon as I was available. Sure, I see elements of flattery in there but it felt weird and wrong in terms of what I want in my life right now.

AND YET the adoration factor from S was also appealing. Otherwise there would have been no engagement.

The second guy "F", I just avoid as he creeps me out. Not sure if I mentioned him but he asked me to "look into annulment" FOR HIM.

What??

1) my 35 year marriage won't end in annulment from MY end, (or h's) as we had 3 children who were conceived and born into a committed marriage and

2) given that I'd never date F, I sure found it weirdly out of line for him to share HIS hope that I can "marry in the Catholic Church" someday. I could barely get off the phone fast enough. Wacky.

WTF?




Both of those influences -- the overdoing it and the being overeager to move too fast seem to pass within a couple months, but it does tell me I wouldn't want to be the first person to date someone just out of a divorce!


OMG yes I totally hear you. Why volunteer for the whole rebound? Like saying you want to maximize your risk. Especially out of a long recent m??

Maybe I need to wear a sandwich board that says "want to practice date, b/c I know you're NOT "'the one'"??

When I step back objectively to see & depersonalize h's behavior, I can say "wow, that's crazy fast and it cannot be about me." I don't always manage to depersonalize it, but sometimes I can.

And I'm working really hard to get him out of my head. This "cold turkey" No contact after mostly daily contact for 35+ years is really weird.

I'm also baffled by HIS anger at me. What?? I mean the spew is insane and intense. Way more angry than I seem to be, which is wackadoodle crazy.

HE wronged me in such an obvious way, that I can't even make sense of his spew.

I don't get it.

Good news is that I know I don't have to "get" it! We often have to accept things including pain, that we don't understand.

I never understood how h could leave me AND our 2 d's for 2 years, a decade ago - and not feel like crap about it. I assume he just dosen't go there.

But he did. And that's just true.

back to ME...I joined a writer's group and will meet them this Monday night.

I also signed up for a "DivorceCare" group that meets nearby, this Tuesday.

And I volunteered for something called Crisis Counselor, Remote

which I THINK means I answer my phone when I'm on call and they provide free training for a week.

I also need to discuss my real job search. I do worry that I won't be able to do MY dream if I have to worry too much about money.

But, one day at a time...



It seems that like DB, in many ways its a process you just have to live through and accept that you will make mistakes along the way.

Finally, feel free to blow me off or disregard me at any time! I'm no expert and I'm not offended if what I have to say isn't helpful.

Acc

it's helpful and you have had a valuable (crappy) experience. I have to be okay with making mistakes. I think rejection of me physically would be a downer.

I've never had that experience before, (not to brag, just that my looks are something I always knew were in my favor. Now I'm aging and that's a huge fear - that we will age and get traded in for someone slimmer or younger, etc)

This is all weird to admit, but yeah, h leaving to choose OW and the tundra, SO FAST, is deeply wounding. And for the life of me, going SO over the top public about it,

feels awfully personal. I also think it embarrassed my kids.

My s30 thought it was "rude and cruel & mentally ill".

(How much money would it take for you to know your kid thought ^^that about you?)

Anyway, hey If we don't grow from THIS ordeal, we are not getting our money's worth.


PS

let me know about any red flags I should look for please! Did you meet your new flame online?

I don't know what else to call her, but I kind of like "new flame"...