You just made my evening! Thank you. I LOVE this story! So proud of your son, your family, and even your mom! Progress is progress and I hope and wish the rest of the country (and world) can follow suit in my life time! Tipsy or not, that def sounds worth sharing with H.
Love, respect, and acceptance for ALL people!!!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
thanks for sharing this. (And for posting on my thread to urge me to see it.!)
H always felt that ever since d28 came out as bisexual and d19 is gay, and they both SAID that having h as their dad "sure didn't help their feelings about men" that it reflected poorly and on HIM...
In fairness to h, he also felt it was no one's business and that any religious group trying to affect our kids' rights, were wrong. And we did meet their dates and partners and were open. We loved d28's partner and when they broke up, we were bummed. (They had a very amicable break up, btw. I could use lessons there).
H also wondered how much of a role his absence at such critical times in their lives, played. (Yeah I know, it's all about him and being terrified it would somehow reflect on HIM)
Our extended family, were mostly very loving. I do have one bigoted BIL, & he makes me sad b/c it's so painful to my loving older sister. (She's married to him!)
Bigoted BIL asked me last summer, how I could call myself a "Christian" and "not condemn" my d's...seriously. I gave a 2 line reply not fit for this board, repacked my suitcase and went to another siblings at 3am. (My sister, his wife, was asleep for this).
Sometimes it only takes one idiot to ruin something,
and sometimes it only takes one angel, to create a miracle.
but I digress.
Leahsue,
I'm very happy for you. I get it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That's absolutely awesome. I'm glad your Mother's Day was so fantastic, and that your mom and your son and his partner had such a great time. Connecting like that means the world.
And great that you could talk to your H and that he called you back.
Take each day as it comes and treasure the golden ones
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Just a quick update~ H has bought his plane ticket! He texted me today and said he's gotten it for May 25-June 6. I have some thinking and planning to do. My IC says I need to have a framework of things for us to do for the entire time, to keep us from having an overload of down time to veer off into the deeper R stuff. This trip is supposed to be to just enjoy each other and start to get to know each other again. That's one week from today!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Wooohoooo!!!! Congrats! I am stoked for you. I want lots of updates and play-by-plays!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Not that this will come as a surprise to anyone on here (LOL), but I believe the hardest, hardest part of DB is to not read anything, positive OR negative, into every little thing. And if you do, it sets up expectations, which inevitably lead to disappointment which can be disguised as rejection. Vicious cycle. This is easy to internalize with the intention of avoiding it, in your head, but so much harder to convince your heart. Between now and H's visit next week, I must focus on having NO EXPECTATIONS about this time together. Another small issue that must be brought under control is my sudden need to eat away my feelings and anxiety. As in, eat everything in the house. Which leads to not only feeling sick physically, but feeling yucky about myself. I've been slack with exercise too, which doesn't help AT ALL. I wish I was one of the ones who says, "I just can't eat since BD, and have dropped XXX pounds." This would have been a great opportunity to use this time to tighten everything up and at least make this body a better one.... but alas, that does not seem to be my mode of stress. Mine is to eat. Wonder if I should do some type of body cleanse for a few days??? I've got to get off this food train that I've suddenly jumped on. Yesterday I did Meals on Wheels, and with all the sad situations I saw on my route, you'd think it would have waked me up. (Also, side story- I haven't been doing this long, so I'm learning from my mistakes. I did not look carefully enough at my route, and did not mark names off as I dropped the meals off, so since one lady was not at home, I had an extra meal at the last house. I'd been instructed if that happened to use my discretion and just give the extra meal to anyone I felt might need it (which IMO they all could have used it). When I got to the last house, low and behold I had not one, but TWO extra meals left. So I lovingly gave the man his, plus the two left over, and did not stop to really think, NOW WHY DO I HAVE TWO LEFT? As I drove toward home, it hit me to pull over and re-check my list. Sure enough, there was an address that I did not remember going to. I had skipped it. So I did the only thing I knew to do- I went to a fast food place and got the best meal they had, with dessert, and took it to the left out house. Since it was in the fast food bag, I confessed and apologized. I think no harm done- she seemed thrilled (except there was no newspaper which we put in all the meals- I forgot to replace that part!) Another lesson learned. Sigh. As I've said here before, in many ways this was easier when things were completely dark. At least then, I knew. Happy Friday, everyone!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah, what a sweet story :-) I definitely think volunteering and acts of civility can soften our hearts. It may not do that every time, but over time, it can certainly keep us more open minded to people we may not normally interact with. In my ideal utopian society, everyone would volunteer a few hours of their week to others. It doesn't even have to be with underprivileged, but just something that we give to others out of our own free will. That kind of kindness is contagious and spreads all over. I am sort of a hippie at heart :-)
I think you hit the nail on the head with your fear of expectations! Sometimes we make these blanket statements and then when we dissect their meaning, we realize it's impossible. For example "don't judge other people," and "have no expectations of other people." Both of those are essentially impossible, right? If we never make judgments, then we walk through the world in this naďve and infantile state, and we will constantly set ourselves up for harm. If we have no expectations, then we never have vulnerability, and thus we lose our ability to have attachments and deeper connections.
So my take on lowering expectations is that we need everything in moderation, and just that--lower them, don't erase them. It is not black and white. So instead of allowing your thoughts to hang on every word and action of his that he is giving you, have a plan. Plan what the time will be like and include plans that you would make even if he were not visiting. Make a to-do list for you alone, and do one thing on this list each day. An hour walk? A coffee date? etc. It helps you protect your heart and it also shows him that you are living your life.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Just a quick update~ H has bought his plane ticket! He texted me today and said he's gotten it for May 25-June 6. I have some thinking and planning to do. My IC says I need to have a framework of things for us to do for the entire time, to keep us from having an overload of down time to veer off into the deeper R stuff. This trip is supposed to be to just enjoy each other and start to get to know each other again. That's one week from today!
YES^^^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Leah, I'm happy for you and I hope you able to wait patiently and keep those darned expectations in check and focus on fun when he arrives. Best to you both.
