25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Some men asked me out right when I got here, which was maybe 2 months after separation and a horrific hospital stay.

I was actually offended by this. I found it insulting to my m that someone would assume I could be ready to actually date.

They were men who divorced long ago, and or from short m's, who would assume I'd be ready to date them, then. It kind of made me believe their own m's must have meant very little to them.

I was interested that you felt this way. Why would you assume their m's must have meant very little to them?


I should have given your more info but felt it would belabor the point.

In S's case, he sends constant texts and if not returned fast, (within a few hours) he asks if something is wrong.

When my d19 was assaulted/arrested, I explained that's what I was doing in Boston. S then asked if he could see me. I found that odd, but didn't make much of it. Sort of shook my head. (Mind you, there was no prior arrangement to meet up).

I repeated that I was attending my d's arraignment ( )

and he repeated the question as if I was discussing the weather. Like he could not get off the goal HE had, no matter what I was going thru.

Not attractive to me b/c it struck me as self centered and or too needy. (Plus the other childhood issues of his, and things that go beyond the point I was making.)


As for his dating so fast after his wife left, his sep/div was a shock to him, btw. I should have told you that before. So he could have been an LBSer. I could not understand him not fighting FOR His marriage, given that he said he was hurt and lost by the sep.

But instead he immediately started hooking up with other women -

all in the span of 3-4 days. Accuray, that's ^^still not something I grasp. But yeah, I see the emotionally soothing (needy) part of it and that was sort of helpful for me to take things less personally.

Oh and S is also IN a R, but wants to date me instead of her. So he says he will end his present "no sex, passionless" r, for me - IF I "commit" to dating him. Like he has to grab the new vine before he lets go of the old vine.

That^^ bothers me a lot.

Then he blurted out "I was so lost and hurt...just seeking solace. They didn't mean anything."

Later he and his w recon for a year, before finally divorcing.

What I took from this^^ disclosure is that "S" is very needy, terrified of being alone, AND that he is presumably very high maintenance, emotionally. Huge turn off for me.

Hmmm, you were judging "S" pretty harshly there weren't you?


I will really ponder ^^ that.

And See if you feel differently with the info I should have given earlier.

I agree that the disclosure was honest. IN a way it was helpful b/c I can see how self medicating the R's are.

Accuray, most women I shared that comment with, felt the same as I did. They were aghast that a guy who did not expect or want a sep, would immediately hook up.

I read somewhere that men remarry faster than women, regardless of who ended their previous m. Is it possible men have more trouble being alone in general? I'm asking.

S not telling me he was still dating someone, until I specifically asked,

means, he wants things all set up with me, the new person (to grab the new vine before he lets go of the one he holds now) Makes me feel like he can't be alone. And isn't being honest with her or me.

Who does that? (Oh wait, I know who).

yes it pushed some buttons.



At the point that exW and I finally separated I'd been DB'ing for three years, not having my needs met, etc. At the point I decided I was "done" it was after a very long wind-down. It wasn't like everything was great and the next day I decided to leave and date someone else right?

Well that's ^^ fair enough.

Now that h is SO openly dating (on FB and in every convo with our kids) "the Love of His Life", I'd actually feel safer dating. Ironic. I certainly have permission.

I cannot help but fear any of my new R's being compared to his "Love of Life"

("is 25 in love yet?? Why Not? She must be holding onto h OR she can't get a date??"- ??)
But dating for that^ reason is goofy.
To me this divorce was sudden. Until late last summer, I can honestly say I did not see THIS coming.

Now I feel very much like I should have seen it. OR not put up with crap from h.

I hate that feeling.

Man I need to ruminate less.


So in the context that a marriage was bad for a long time, dating "3-4 days" after separating might not be unreasonable -- it's much better than dating *before* separating which so many people seem to do right?

Clearly.
My son told me today that h was "horrible to you and acts insane now, so [I] hope to God you don't miss HIM."

Ouch, yet helpful.




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We all know that divorce is hugely traumatic, the way people act when they're recovering (sad, remorseful, angry, potentially depressed) doesn't define "who they are" right?

God let's hope not.
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I'm confident you'll find your path!

Thanks, and I'm taking things you said in. Not blowing them off.