I just wanted to express how sorry i am that your daughter had to experience such an undeserving, incomprehensible and horrific violation at such a young age. And as a mother, I know that you experienced every depth of it as well.
Sadly there are people in this world that commit horrible acts and other people that suffer from them. I hate having to accept that it is just as simple as that.
I know many of us here are suffering from some pretty incomprehensible acts from the people we loved and trusted as well. We want answers and explanations for our pain and suffering but sometimes there are none.
I was recently validated as having been victimized, but advised not to be a victim. That I need to take back my power. And that is something I have been thinking about a lot. And that advise seems to encompass a broad range of scenarios, from a physical assault to lies and betrayal or sexual/financial infidelity
Regarding dating...
I think it is tempting to think about the potential for another mate, for love, for support, physical and emotional intimacy when our spouses first leave, or perhaps leave again.
I think those thoughts or the action of dating can be a bit self medicating. An escape when our lives are at their most tumultuous.
Right now both you and I are in the trenches. Legally, and emotionally. I kind of feel like its healthier to just get through those trenches first. You will be in a better place to actually get to know someone, instead of seeking them for an escape.
I did date someone a while ago and while it did not go badly, I realize that he was just so wrong for me in so many ways. My selection process was way off. Scarily off. Beyond scarily off. And I was relieved when we ended things amicably. It was unfair to him as well because I became the person leading a secret life. I was light hearted and friendly with him. But in great pain deep inside due to legal issues and betrayals.
Dating him, did take away a lot of my hurt and anger when I found out my ex was dating someone at the same time though.
It made me realize that OP really is not the demon I once imagined. They are delusions for our ex. That OP does not mean our ex spouses are happy or satisfied with their choices. That there are moments when they probably just want to physically run away from OP as well because of repulsion and the feeling that things are just wrong. Very unsettling. Dating someone gave me insight as to what our exes feel with their new spouses (but i obviously had less guilt as my ex had already left me a year prior)
If you do date, I would go in without any expectations or attachments. But is that really fair to the person you will be dating?
What I do not look back on from this experience is the relationships with new friends I have met through this process. Building a new support system and friendships with people that have shared my experiences was very rewarding and something I will never regret. I have met people from different locations and backgrounds and with different experiences and it has been amazing and a much more fair way of self medication.
