25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=180Man]25,

After 35 years of M -- more than I've been alive -- I have no place to tell you this....in fact, I've been out drinking with the other officers, so...take it with several grains of salt...

As You are about my son's age, & the sep is 7 months old, of course I take it with a pound of salt.


However, I see you writing a LOT about H. I see a lot of excuses about why you can't date.

Yes and no. On one hand, I have given too much headspace to h, and it's attached to money, mostly (I think). Or at least a lot is, due to making plans for my new life hinging a lot on finances. I live in a very pricey area right now, near family. I believe, which I can only prove with time and circumstance, that once the finances are clarified, I'll be along my way. Why? B/c h's behavior has been so wildly inappropriate, so uncalled for, that he's sort of jettisoned me thru a lot of the grief part. NOT all and some of this is like PTSD b/c it was so sudden (to me!) but I do not miss this guy.

As for excuses why not to date? That's funny to me. I'm not divorced yet, first of all.
I have 3 children.

In some ways this is like a death to me, (so would you ask a widow of a 35 year marriage to just start dating?)

I'm still reeling from a sudden family death, 2 moves including a cross country one, no kids at home for the first time in 30 years, a significant life altering health issue I didn't see coming, a new unknown career path, somewhere, and financial issues and oh, yeah, my h is very publicly "in a new R"...

What can I offer a OM? My hilarious wit, keen brilliance and great beauty, for an evening. Oh and my modesty (I think my greatest trait is modesty! )

I want to be kind and honest. I"m not sure the first few men I date (whom my T made me swear NOT to marry) are up for my "practice dating".

But who knows?

Why you couldn't date someone if they did X, because then it would be over. I see fear. Granted, people are right to say you should date when you feel you are ready to date......BUT... I think it's probably one of those things where you never really feel ready and just have to jump in head-first.

total disagreement here^^...No jumping in head first "where you never feel ready".

I think when I meet the guy who is interesting/interested, I'll know. And I'm 100% positive we will take it slowly b/c rushing in is how you waste time, ironically.

It's far more likely to be a waste of time, if you jump in. I look younger than my age but I am still 57. I figure I have 40 years left here (yes I have good genes) that I want to spend wisely, fully.

Except for the weirdness of ML to a new man after 37 years of being monogamous, which I guess is fear (but also other good things) it's that I want to use care with OM's heart and mine.

I don't want to waste more of my life and time on someone who isn't going to mean anything in the long run AND OR who will simply be "settling." As Beatrice mentioned the unhealthy dynamics she sees in other m's, I do too. 2 of my 3 sisters are in m's I would not want to be in. One of them is VERY unhappy but must/seems to prefer it to being alone.

I'm not there and don't want to be. I'd rather be alone than wish I were.

I have never lived alone before. Ever. This is a valuable experience.

I'm in no rush to fill that space. I have so much to learn about my own preferences and dreams and what causes me angst, apart from external factors.

As Beatrice suggested, there's a lot to be said for learning how to like being alone. It's only been 2 months but I DO like it. (To be fair, I do have a dog).
-

But I'll tell you what, I feel much better thinking about the JAG right now than my selfish, cheating, W. As much as I love my W...there are some facts that you can't get around. And this is the guy who has forgiven her to the bottom of his heart saying this.

I get ^^this.

But To be clear, I believe the man I loved and was married to for decades, is effectively dead. He's not coming back. Sure, of course I hope there will be a warming of R's with all of us, and a recon with our children b/c they need that (I think) and I know h does.

It'd be good for us to be cordial as we will have to see each other at least a few times...
Thats impossible , I THNK, while the div is going on as he's basically telling me to F--- off and saying the same to the court. In the long run that's just going to cost us and him, more.

OR I'm wrong and I'll be screwed. Time will tell.

While my ego hopes for a grand apology, it's not something I'm pinning anything on. Because of who he is now- which is NOT my problem, he's very unlikely to do much more than maybe mumble a moderate regret, once...

He made Too much wreckage to be able to look at, let alone try to repair.

So no, I'm not waiting for h to return. Nor am I ready to replace h.

STILL -- I do know a guy I'd LIKE to date someday, but I'm not ready to date him now. Yes, I know him now, but dating him at this point would be too reactive. That's what I was discussing on the thread earlier. He has traits I admire, which h eventually came to lack. He's attractive too.

But he's too good a catch to rush in with. Make sense? In fact if I could go back in time to recon with h 10 years ago, I wish we had pieced much more carefully.

For many here, the only goal is recon, NOT a restored m with intense piecing. H never did explore how he could rationalize what he'd done or what underlying crap was there to enable him to do so. And I didn't push it. Once his mom got sick, I let it go and hoped for the best, I guess.




So...what's my point? Maybe you need to get out of your own way, if only just for a minute. Go on a date. Worst case you get a free dinner! Best case........free meals for life! I'm joking, but....seriously... I was not ready to date 3-4 days after BD or even 3-4 months after BD. My marriage meant the WORLD to me. She was THE ONE. THE FùCKING ONE.

Or was she?

We definitely just see time differently, 180. You are about my son's age.

but I appreciate the sentiments.