You have summed my feelings up so well. It's exactly how I feel, right down to the "dodged a bullet" thing. But yeah, my first non-LD or tricky schedule relationship ever and I had someone regular in my life and it was great. And he put an effort in and seemed like he really cared. now it's gone.
The building rejection has broken me. I feel broken this time around. Hopeless. It's a culmination of many things. Any R or half-arsed R I have been in has ended with me being rejected and not enough. First guy, there was something "not perfect". Another guy was just a mistake. exNG was distance and unwillingness to give anything. Now this one, what I have to offer him is not enough. No one has ever not liked me or not cared for (with the exception of my exH, he didn't care about me) They have mostly said they have strong feelings for me (which I have hard time believing as most go onto someone new right away) but I somehow was never enough for their needs. When all the people you cared for in the past 9 years since your husband left you for another woman end up leaving you when things are about to get serious, it does damage and the damage gets worse every single time.
So 25, this is not common place. I have had serious bad luck with men. I just have. The whole R think I think is simply not meant for me.
I'll be honest. If it wasn't for the fact I have a child and responsibilities, I would be in my bed numbed on benzos. I feel that awful. This one broke me and I wasn't ready for it. But yes, I have a child, a job, school, and I have to go through the motions. But it's all I am doing. Hopefully that gets better. I just got another almost 100% in my class and I only have 3 left. I did my last 2 assignments crying my eyes out and I made it through. I do function. But I don't want to.
I thought about future relationships. I have decided no more relationships or attachment. No more giving myself to anyone. If anything, friend with benefits where I call the shots with no attachment and they know it.
