Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[bttrfly]

Hi {{{{{Irish}}}}}
I'm glad your trip went well and you're now home again.

Here are my promised thoughts:

Point 6 – I will one day forgive her. I need to see something positive from her. A real movement to get better and connect. I long for that peace. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting I know. To me forgiving has to be planted by her so I can help it grow.

I am going to ask you a favor, mon ami. Could you try to do something for me please? Could you try to look at this situation from a slightly different angle? Would you agree that your ex is not well? That she may have something affecting her psychologically so that she stays in this unbroken loop of deflection onto others for what she's done herself? If you agree that she's not well, then compassion comes into play and with that comes a different kind of forgiveness - the kind that will bring you peace.

Vapo,
Yes, forgiving her will set me free, I believe that and I truly think I will get there. One day… I am however not there yet because she continues to blame the girls. When she attacks them I put on the gloves in my mind ready to defend. I however don’t. I wait and then answer with truth in a calm manner. These answers to her are getting smaller and smaller since I am so tired of repeating myself.

I get it Papa Bear. I really do. Heck, she ticks me off when she blames the girls and I don't even know them! I always admire your restraint and your carefully thought out and well chosen responses to Ex. I know it's exhausting.

Irish, my point here is that you are giving her power over your peace: you say you need to see something from her before you can forgive her. Can you see how that robs you? Please, don't let that continue. You've come through so much, you deserve so very much more. You had no control over ex's mlc, or her abysmal choices and actions. You have ABSOLUTE control over your own ability to forgive or not. We all come to forgiveness in our own time, and at our own pace. I know that for me it's been a back and forth thing - sometimes I think there's nothing to forgive, and sometimes I think I will never forgive exh for what he's put our son through. But truly, compassion and forgiveness go hand in hand. If you aren't ready to forgive her yet, then maybe can you feel compassion for a person who has alienated themselves so far from their family that they have to resort to drive-bys and text messages, and lies to make themselves feel better? You who are so compassionate towards others can surely do this. I know you can and I know it will bring you the peace you deserve.

Bttrfly and Job, thanks for keeping track or my post... Lol Always can count on you too.

yes, you can!
I think your reply to your ex was a good one.

Most of her message was taken from my suggestions about me and her communicating. I guess she thought it was good enough to copy and use for herself.

She's paying attention, Irish. That's a good sign.

So, in a short text I wrote.

XW, you still can’t accept sole responsibility for your broken relationship with your girls. Also you have yet to accept that you left them for OM. Please stop blaming the girls and making them feel guilt or make them questions themselves. They are amazing girls and I won’t let you continuously blame them.

I don’t expect a reply.

Really? I expect you'll get one and it won't be all that pretty. I don't think she's ready to hear any criticism of her actions, but time will tell.

good to be back home.. now 6 days off. the girls have 4. Should be albe to catch up on the outside work... pool is number one priority.

Enjoy your time off with your girls. Funny you mention the pool. I actually finally got myself to the local pool tonight and swam almost a 1/4 mile, trying to shut my brain off. It felt pretty good.

I'm sorry that peace is eluding you too my friend. We will both get there someday.