Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[Irish M]

Hi Everyone.

Back from my business trip, it went very well. Everything but the messages I had received from XW.
Vapo,
Yes, forgiving her will set me free, I believe that and I truly think I will get there. One day… I am however not there yet because she continues to blame the girls. When she attacks them I put on the gloves in my mind ready to defend. I however don’t. I wait and then answer with truth in a calm manner. These answers to her are getting smaller and smaller since I am so tired of repeating myself.

Peace,
Very good questions
“What do you think your XW needs to do to get the girls to be willing to talk to her?
Is it a possibility of this happening the way she is now?”
XW has asked me this weeks ago on what she needs to do. I always answered her. Put the girls first.
I won’t tell her to leave OM even if I know the girls won’t go anywhere near him.
She needs to get her act together, stop blaming them, seek professional help and of course be without OM or XMIL. Thanks a full plate for XW to fill. It’s not in her character. She is the typical avoid and forget.. Pretend nothing happened and don’t ever bring it up.

As for the road map. I’ve tried to help her. She refuses. She sees it as controlling and manipulation. It’s all up to her. I’ve giving her tips and small hints but I won’t hold her hand.

Hi Roist.
It is hard seeing her back to square one. They say they cycle and each time hopefully it gets shorter and shorter the cycles until either they are lost or they have a breakthrough and do the work.
Your point 2-3, I’ve told her multiple times. The girls did nothing wrong. That her excuse of leaving being put on their shoulders is wrong.
Point 6 – I will one day forgive her. I need to see something positive from her. A real movement to get better and connect. I long for that peace. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting I know. To me forgiving has to be planted by her so I can help it grow.
Roist , your thoughts and comments are truly helpful. I appreciate you dropping in. Thanks

Bttrfly and Job, thanks for keeping track or my post... Lol Always can count on you too.

I replied to XW before getting on the plane heading home.

XW, you ask if I forgive you. I think you see that I respond to your messages and I do reply with no anger. I know it’s hard to tell via texts. I see that as an action me replying to you. I didn’t shut the door.
The last time we spoke face to face was in Aug 2015. Texting is still not the best method of communicating and often gets misinterpreted.
Back to your question, to forgive you, I still think you need to accept what you did first. Stop blaming the girls or scaring them. That would be a great start. Also Let’s try to find a better way to communicate. I will leave that up to you to decide the how and when. Have a good day, Irish

I get home, no reply to me. I do however expect the girls to get a message. It happens each time I give her a hint.

The girls and I enjoy a nice dinner, got caught up and then the discussion about their mom.
Guess who wrote us today dad, Mom did again. She is blaming us still for the reason she left. She also said we all make mistakes. What mistakes did we do dad?
They showed me the message.


Hi girls,
I want to apologize for all that has happened and is still happening. I never wanted to scare you. I never wanted to hurt you. If you give me the chance we can discuss it. I don’t want to text; we can better communicate face to face. We can try therapy together and get help. I know you didn’t like the last therapist your father arranged for us but we can find another one. You are growing up so fast and becoming adults. Time goes by so fast. What can I do to win you back? We all make mistakes and you guys did as well. I can forgive you. Can you forgive me? I love you guys more than anything in the world.

Mom xxx

Most of her message was taken from my suggestions about me and her communicating. I guess she thought it was good enough to copy and use for herself.
Now the therapist she is talking about was the social worker I got to help her rebuild a relationship with the girls because she was cutting out. She lied to them and insulted the girls. Then she cancelled all help. It wasn’t that the girls didn’t like them. It was XW.

D16 wanted to write her. Telling her to F off. I told her she will get nothing from that and she shouldn’t. They asked me to write to her instead..

So, in a short text I wrote.

XW, you still can’t accept sole responsibility for your broken relationship with your girls. Also you have yet to accept that you left them for OM. Please stop blaming the girls and making them feel guilt or make them questions themselves. They are amazing girls and I won’t let you continuously blame them.

I don’t expect a reply.

good to be back home.. now 6 days off. the girls have 4. Should be albe to catch up on the outside work... pool is number one priority.