25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[Accuray]

Hi 25yrsmlc,

Like you its important to me to have appropriate boundaries about "what is and what is not your business" when it comes to relationship partners. It sounds like your H's position on diet was extreme if he was dictating what you could and could not eat. I think you'll find that type of attitude is far outside the norm.

As I was in a relationship for 20 years, there were many aspects of it that I just came to accept as "the way people are" or "the way relationships are" and one of the most refreshing things about dating has been learning that is not the case at all.

My current girlfriend has strong opinions on food choices, water usage, cleaning products, etc. It's been important for me to set a boundary that she can eat/clean/use water however she likes in a manner consistent with her beliefs and its not my place to comment on that. Conversely, its not her place to comment on what I choose to eat or what I choose to clean with. It is of course appropriate to respectfully make your opinions known, but that's where things need to end. As long as you establish your boundaries early in a relationship and are with a rational, respectful partner you'll be totally fine.

My "fear" would be that I could spend 10 years or whatever the dating years I have left are, and then lose the relationship. What then? Being alone for the "rest of my life"??

What's the alternative? Being alone now for the rest of your life? I think one difference between being single in your 20's and being single in your 40's - 60's is that there are no longer any "rules" or expectations about what you "should" be doing. You're free to chart your own course in a way that works for you and anyone else is far less likely to question your motivations.

Therefore, if you want to have one 10 year relationship, 10 1-year relationships, or no relationship for 10 years, it's all good, you're totally free to live the life you want to live.

Worrying about a relationship ending 10 years from now is borrowing trouble from the future right? From my perspective a relationship that lasts 10 years is a successful relationship, even if it ends, and there's a lot of value you'll gain from it and be able to keep.

I don't hate being alone, and I have a lot of family and long time friends in this area.

That's great! You want to be dating because you want to share your life versus because you feel you *need* to fill a void.

So I'd have had another relationship that would have provided SOME or a lot of good things, (or it would not have lasted long.)

Well look what you've gained from your experience here right? You've become something of a student of relationships. You're not going to be entering into a new relationship as a naive 22 year old seeking a fairy tale romance right?

This time around you'll see through someone's shortcomings far more easily, and be much less likely to make excuses for them or try to convince yourself you can look beyond them. Why would you? Who has time for that?

This time around you can be *very* discriminating and have the value of the wisdom you've accumulated in deciding who to get involved with.

When I went to MC the MC was talking to me about the dating population. He said that no one is really "perfectly emotionally healthy", but there is a spectrum where some people are pretty dysfunctional and others are pretty self actualized.

He said that if you look at failed marriages, there are those where both partners were dysfunctional, those where one partner was dysfunctional and the other was self actualized, or situations where two self-actualized people respectfully decide they don't want to be together anymore and go their separate ways.

For people who ended relationships due to pain related to dysfunction, some people are going to do the work to improve their coping skills and their behavior, and other people are not and are going to take the same problems into relationship after relationship.

Wouldn't you agree that you're savvy enough at this point to be able to tell if you're with someone who is significantly dysfunctional after spending just a couple hours with them? Even someone who is marginally dysfunctional you're going to figure it out after a few more hours. Therefore, your odds are pretty good that you're going to avoid getting involved with those people in any significant way and end up with someone who is pretty emotionally healthy right?

I think when you do, you'll find it to be a huge relief and it will paint some of the things that you had to deal with in your 35 year relationship into stark contrast.

I'm sure I'd hold back on fully trusting my life/heart with someone, for some time.

But that feels more healthy to me.

I would hope so!

I do have some friends who are single women in their 50's who have just given up on dating. For the most part, they've just talked themselves out of it, either by convincing themselves that "there are no good men out there", or its not safe to meet men, or they don't feel they're desireable, etc. etc.

Some of them don't seem to care or miss having a companion around, which is fine, but others seem persistently bothered by it and that is a tragedy.

It's definitely worth putting yourself out there -- people can be so amazing and have so much to contribute to your life. When you're ready, go for it!

Acc