25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

DATING

I do wake up some days and I just want to go back to bed. (Thank God my dog is insistent about needing to go out. I'm on the 4th floor so, you know, we have to go OUT.)

Some other DBers discuss this ordeal and how it can lead to a form of PTSD - and that it affects later dating.

I know my life is on a much different trajectory than it was even just a year ago. I'd never have believed this is where I'd be or how the past 8 months have gone. When I step back, objectively, at the number of dramatic changes in such a short time happening, I'm more at peace with a PTSD diagnosis for now.

Some men asked me out right when I got here, which was maybe 2 months after separation and a horrific hospital stay.

I was actually offended by this. I found it insulting to my m that someone would assume I could be ready to actually date.

They were men who divorced long ago, and or from short m's, who would assume I'd be ready to date them, then. It kind of made me believe their own m's must have meant very little to them.

(I'm not defending my feelings, just admitting them here.)

Anyhow, meeting men NOW, and getting asked out is different. It depends very much on the man & speed at which he'd want the R to move. I could not go fast, and trust it. Maybe that's just me & my position of what constitutes "fast/enough time."

INSIGHT - a guy from high school ("S") expressed interest in dating me, and has repeated it a few times. BTW, We briefly dated in 9th grade (literally).

In his recall, we "dated & fell in love at too young an age."

This version ^^ is fine I guess, as we all have our own narratives (his version is bigger & more flattering to me than I would have imagined). He's definitely pushing for way too much way too fast. It's obvious and I have gently said so, at least 3 times.

And FYI, "S" is a kind, smart attractive guy. And he's really into being a good dad. So he's not some "jerk".

Anyhow, I asked S how long it took him to date after he and his w "split," 10 years ago (i didn't define sep or Div in the question).

He said "3-4 days"...

Okay. I literally laughed b/c I assumed he was joking.
( I mean, "good one!", right? )

Then he blurted out "I was so lost and hurt...just seeking solace. They didn't mean anything."

Later he and his w recon for a year, before finally divorcing.

What I took from this^^ disclosure is that "S" is very needy, terrified of being alone, AND that he is presumably very high maintenance, emotionally. Huge turn off for me.

IF I did not know him before, I'd have thought he was an a$$ and I'd have probably assumed he had cheated on his w, (which I actually don't believe).

AND S is a very decent person. (He was an only child, & learned he was adopted in high school, when his adoptive "father" died.)

So maybe his "Dating" OW's within days of his separation from his w, is more about this abandonment issues --- but - whatever. See what I"m doing??

I mean, who he is & what he does, not why, is what matters.


IF we were to try and reason WHY someone is how they are, or WHY they treat us badly, (even if we were accurate in assessing the original causes)

reminds me a lot of obsessing about MLC/WAS and narcissism and what's real, what's an excuse, and whether we can hope for more or better from them, etc.

I want it to be simple and hope it can be, in this respect.

How we are treated = whether we are loved & respected in ways WE need & want,

and whether/how we give love & respect to the other,

are the only criteria, aren't they? Can't it be natural and evolving?

Christ, sure seemed like it was 35 years ago...

Make sense?